Suicidal

I'm hanging in there, and thanks for writing back. It pains me to hear you are suffering. You are always welcome here, as in my home in Laos.

My house has too many kids, it would drive you crazy, but I know places in the countryside and quiet parts of the city close to me that you could settle into.

When I finally get back to the States I'm bringing you Lasagna, 4 bottles of Port, and anything else on your wish list.

Love you Zug Zug, always!

 

Do you have pain from noise?

Someone banged frozen food on the counter and didn't warn me. Now, my left ear is in extreme pain and I have a BAD spike. I'm literally crying and trying to avoid tears getting on my phone screen.

Anyone have this happen? I'm mad at myself for not wearing earplugs. Sometimes, I put in earplugs in the kitchen when it's just me.

I'm the most depressed I've been in a while. I'm tired of spikes and how long they last. I have a constant one but acoustic trauma seems to make another one or makes it even worse somehow.

The ear pain is scaring me. I haven't had this much ear pain after a trauma in quite a while. Just ear pain indicate nerve irritation or further damage? I am really scared. I can't get any worse. Just can't.

I was thinking of suicide off and on recently but couldn't come up with a good method so I had to distract myself. When ear pain and spikes occur at the same time, it's the worst. It's my good ear (left), too! :-(

The right ear didn't get any pain! So strange. Please, some insight from anyone???

 

Loads of NAC/Magnesium/vitamins/Prednisone injection or oral, heated rice sock on ears and say your prayers. I got nothin'...

 

:-( I only slept 5.5 hours. I took my magnesium bisglycinate because that's all I have besides vitamins - which vitamins should I take? Should I buy NAC?

Broken record but doctors and local hospital have not been willing to prescribe Prednisone (injection?). Can you get it on the street? Half kidding.

My ear is still in pain and sore but not throbbing like last night. I'm really mad at myself. This ear is in slightly better "condition" compared to my right ear which has even louder tinnitus although my entire brain seems to have tinnitus nowadays. I need to prevent any worsening and I don't know how.

Difficult to describe but as far as pain goes - pain is pain, right? It is obviously pain from noise. I had no pain prior and it happened immediately afterwards. I knew I was ****ed.

Thanks for replying, @Wrfortiscue.

Hello, @Damocles

 

Hey @PeteJ mate.

Read this post I made for @Bry who suffered a bad acoustic trauma a couple of weeks ago.

It lists all the vitamins and amounts I would take after such an event.

Personally I don't think Prednisone is necessary, and wouldn't take the risk with it unless I had been in the vicinity of a gunshot (without protection), or an explosion (with or without protection).

Kind of like @Wrfortiscue said, all you can do is give it time, and it will likely subside back to the godawful baseline you're used to.

I know this has happened to me a couple million times now, and I've still not reached catastrophic levels as my new normal.

 

Yeah, @Damocles is right with the Prednisone, I haven’t touched mine since the new onset and I’ve had many noise events. Vitamins are just to make sure the body is not lacking in anything to allow the most optimal healing (if any). Try and calm some (hard I know) because your brain is firing off and it may make it worse. Things are ultra sensitive and need to bring it down any which way you can. Here’s to hoping this will subside soon.

I get aching sharp pain in the ears but never immediately after noise, it’s odd.

 

Speaking of the Prednisone, you can use this website to get it prescribed:

https://www.pushhealth.com

It is a 100% real website and I have used it in the past. You can get a prescription for like $65. Just make sure when you go to the pharmacy you use GoodRx coupons to get the best price on the Prednisone. Also make sure to request the right 60 mg, 50 mg etc taper dose. Say you had an acoustic trauma. Beware of the side effects of Prednisone, if you already have a hard time sleeping, this may make it harder. I myself had a hard time on the Prednisone, it made me emotionally unstable. In the end it is up to you whether to go through with it or not.

 

For Push Health, it looks like you have to be an American citizen? I just looked at the website briefly so I am not sure.

Thanks for the idea, though.

My ear pain is still bad. It's like someone drove a steak/blade into my ear and that throbbing pain sensation continues indefinitely. I hope you get the sense of what I mean. It's difficult to describe the pain. Not as bad as yesterday but still bad enough that it worries me, too. Many of my acoustic traumas that causes ear pain has subsided the same day or the next day but this is still really bad the next day - which means it's serious. :-(

@Wrfortiscue, hi, yeah, I don't know if this pain condition is part of noxacusis or a form of it but I can get ear pain that happens randomly without apparent cause and also pain from a loud noise in which I can only conclude it was from the noise - such as this past event.

It is definitely weird/strange and the pain can be so extreme like this that I am practically crying. I suspect it's some sort of nerve problem but I dunno, of course. It's speculation but I wonder if researchers or 'experts' in this field would know.

Usually, only one ear is affected too but on rare occasions, I get pain in both ears.

Also, tinnitus spikes occur, too, which is unbelievable, too, because my tinnitus is several tones now of horrible spikes but somehow "become worse" after some acoustic traumas.

This latest one probably doesn't bother people with 'normal' ears but for me, I am in unbearable pain, applying ice and sometimes heat, to my left ear.

@Damocles, hi man! Thanks for the list. I will check it out.

You guys are fantastic! I hope you're doing better than I am.

 

You probably need to be an American citizen, didn't realize you weren't one. I'm sure you can find something similar in your area. Just look up "Prednisone prescription online".

 

Hello friends! As if things couldn’t get any worse, I just lost my girlfriend to suicide.

I am going to go on anxiety meds. I wanted to know which ones are safe for when you have tinnitus and hyperacusis? They are both pretty severe.

 

Hope you are doing good Tatsopa, definitely they can help you, even in a few weeks... but it is really hard and tough to take such decision. Have your condition improved since your post?

 

Hi @Pau Marti and thanks for asking.

If by "improved" you mean a softer tinnitus then no, I think (really can't tell for sure) that my tinnitus is even louder. But for now I feel quite good. I'm nowhere close to the one I used to be and, honestly, two years later I may still feel hopeless from time to time but I have periods when I'm able to forget that freaking noise (when working / fishing / gaming or listening to music).

Bedtime and waking up remain tough though...

So to answer your question, I guess I can say that I'm improved even if my tinnitus didn't.

 

Waking up is the worst. That noise, like a punch in the head and you can't believe this is your fucking life.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Those meds are so unpredictable that it is really tough to predict which ones are going to work fine. Having said that, I understand your current circumstances so they might be helpful for a short period of time. Ativan or Xanax have been helpful for some people but there's a great deal of people who experienced their tinnitus got worse when weaning off the drug or just when they hit certain tolerance. Tinnitus is a common withdrawal symptom with those meds, particularly when used for a long period of time. Some people have also reported their tinnitus got louder even after a few weeks taking them. My tinnitus now is really low, but back in the day was intrusive and bothersome. I took Ativan just a few days and somehow my tinnitus faded for several hours but the effects and symptoms are so individualized that there's no certainty whether these drugs are going to be useful for everybody.

Best wishes.

 

Thanks for your answer, Tatsopa. It's a torturous road for sure. Glad you are feeling overall good but yes, you are absolutely right, it's always tough to get through those bad days / moments. Wishing all the best. Regards.

 

I am right there with you! Same situation. All I can say is UGH.

 

A remarkable story from a remarkable person. Your grit is truly amazing. I'm blown away.

Thank you for sharing your tinnitus and hearing history. Wishing you well and brighter days.

Daniel

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Mirtazapine at 7.5 mg works well for me for sleep.

 

Thanks Daniel. It’s been a rough go at things lately, but just as I have alluded to in my post, I really don’t have another choice.

I can sit back and wallow in the life I was given (easy given the circumstance), or I could try my hardest to push myself to the point where I live with these conditions in harmony. For example, when I wrote this just a few weeks ago, I was in the depths of despair. I saw no way out of this. I was about to just chalk up my whole life to living with this horrid, progressive condition that is slowly making me mad.

The next week though, I had a “good day.” Tinnitus and hyperacusis were manageable, and I was lucky enough to have the whole day off. Instead of sitting around letting myself waste on the couch and let my chores pile up, I decided that I’ll clean my apartment and go for a walk. I did just that, and this was one of the first times in months that I wasn’t thinking about my tinnitus and my recent hyperacusis flare up. Sure, those thoughts, sounds, and feelings came back as they always do, but just this one day made it possible for me to get by for a couple more days without having a full mental breakdown.

Are things better? Not really, pain hyperacusis, loudness hyperacusis (abating at the moment), reactive tinnitus, new chirp tone, on top of my original tinnitus, it’s all still there and very present. However, I have had some moments of reprieve over the course of the past two weeks and this motivates me to keep pushing and to not give up.

We are all very different and this has just been my approach and mindset when dealing with this and I’m cognizant of the fact that this will not work for everyone. I just want to put my story out there so maybe someone else can see it and draw parallels with it so that they can get through their worst times.

 

Some impressions that I’ve gathered of death so far (don’t read if you’re not into new age woohoo bullshit):

-

We don’t lose our lives when we die. Life will go on regardless whether you are there to live it or not. When you die, you no longer need to live it, and you cannot lose what you no longer need. We do not need that which we no longer know what is, that which we no longer know what to make of.

It is only in this world that we are dead. In the real world, it is the living that are yet to be born.

For the dead, death is the best thing that has ever happened but it is only when we die that we find this out. Don’t even think for a second that you won’t be rewarded for having lived. Death should not be seen as the price of having been born. It’s the reward for it.

The biggest question in our lives is what happens to us when we die, but ironically enough it’s only when we are no longer alive to get the answer that we are told. We are born mystics. No matter how boring and conventional our path in life is; we all go through this experience, which gives us the wisdom over the others, and makes us into something else than what we were born as.

Oscar Wilde wrote:

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace.” - Oscar Wilde.

It is only because of your idea of death that you suffer from it. It is not true what they say about death in our society. It's not tragic. It is only tragic because we believe it is the end, and for the relatives because they think they have lost.

Death is only the end of the person that we think we are. It is not the end of the world of which we are a part. We are there as long as the world is there, and the world is there forever (in one form or another). We die all the time - Every single day, every single minute. We have lost our lives time and time again since the dawn of time, but we are also constantly being born - Every single day, every single minute. We have been born again and again since the dawn of time.

“Statement One: After I die, I shall be reborn again as a baby, but I shall forget my former life. Statement two: After I die, a baby will be born. Now, I believe that those two statements are saying exactly the same thing, and we know the second one is true Babies are always being born.” - Alan Watts.

All the beauty we think we lose when we die...

This beauty only applies within the walls of humanity. Our art, food, architecture, even nature... in reality it is nothing. Does a fish like music? None of this has any meaning to us on the other side of the wall. We no longer have a need for it when we die.

People do not die until those who remember them are dead. Nobody has ever lost someone to death. The people you think you have lost; all you have to do is close your eyes and imagine them before they're there again - more real than ever before.

If you feel you have lost someone,
you have never actually had them.
If you think you're going to lose someone,
you have already lost them.

We think of it as a shame when someone does not get to lives their lives “to the end” like everyone else. We have made it the meaning of our lives to reach 80 years. It’s only because we don’t actually need a meaning in life that we can assign it to something so meaningless as old age. If there absolutely has to be a meaning; the meaning of life should be to learn how to die (how to accept it). Nobody wants this - until it's too late, and this is why death makes us suffer.

Death should make us laugh, because life really is nothing but a game, and being a sore loser is a shitty way to go.

 

If death is the end of life, then we can rejoice in the fact that there is no end without a beginning of something new. These are the laws of the universe. We do know for sure that when life ends; death begins.

There is of course also always an end to new things. This means you won’t stay dead.

There is no way around death, but there is a way around fear and that is the same thing. Without the fear, death is just life. Am I afraid to live?

Yes I am... or else I wouldn’t be contemplating this bullshit.

 

@danielthor, holy s... It really touched me deeply. Shedding some tears now... It brought me memories... Walking with my brother in Basel and talking on this subject. What a fucking, dirty and cruel condition tinnitus is.

To be honest, hoping one day to be with him again. It really hurts.

 

Solid posts. Thank you.

 

Thank you for your posts.

 

I am so afraid I am closing in on my demise. I have fled my noisy home with new neighbours and am at my mother's place, but it hasn't helped.

I am afraid I have finally succumbed to living such an isolated abnormal inhumane life for so long. I thought I could somehow grow into it and make it seem like everything is alright, and be content with what little ability I had left, but it seems it has caught up with me. I am only human, and humans need more on a basic level.

My body and mind are SO stressed out. I have constant pulsating trembles inside my body, heart palpitations from sounds that makes me feel like I am choking. Taking deep breaths don't calm me down one bit. I just get nauseous, lightheaded and feel sick to my stomach when doing that, and it actually often just makes it worse. I want to cry all the the time, but I can't get it out. I have never felt this level of stress before.

I don't want to die, but I cannot live like this. It's completely unbearable and all joy has left my life. I don't see any ways out of this other than the final one. My only other option is more medication, or starting a steady intake of alcohol, if I am to survive this much longer and that will probably fuck up my ears, and maybe my eyes, even more in the long run. It might even be medication that's already f***** me up. I have been feeling more and more symptoms on the Mirtazapine, but I am stuck on it. What I need is unreachable... a totally silent calm place to move into NOW, but I'm not even sure it would do much anymore. The damage is done I feel.

I am tired of feeling myself die even more everyday and being a burden. My mother isn't doing so well herself (go figure with me as a daughter) and I know I cause her more grief from being in such a bad state. I really do think at this point it would be best if I were gone. This constant 1-2 steps forward and 3 back, is taking a toll on everybody, not just myself.

 

You’re not alone in this.

I’ve been a lousy son myself for 2.5 fucking years...

But hey we got it worse than our parents so don’t feel too guilty.

That’s what I say to myself after worrying into the nights.

You should rent a house instead of an apartment if you can.

Then you get the peace you need.

Will make it easier to withdraw into a bubble, which is the only way I’ve been surviving for the last 20 years.

 

I too think my tinnitus has become exacerbated by perimenopause.

Except in my case, my progesterone is low in relation to my estrogen.

Someone posted here that low progesterone is associated with low serotonin - which is required for auditory processing, and counteracts the main excitatory action of estrogen through the inhibition of the CNS.

Allopregnanolone inhibits chloride ion conduction - decreasing neuronal excitability

Estrogen on the other hand, decreases the ability of neurons to synthesise GABA by decreasing the autoinhibition of GABAergic preoptic area through GABAB receptor.

I spoke to my naturopath today who has suggested either driving estrogen down or bumping progesterone up, with the use of herbs.

I think I'll go with Vitex and see what happens. If you have any experience with this herb, I would appreciate your input.

Is there any reason you didn't consider a herbal approach for your estrogen deficiency?

Regards.

 

Hi @TheDanishGirl, hoping you're ok always. Take it easy on yourself and mom. You're a great person, easy does it. You can do this!

We are all pulling for you and praying for you.

More hugs and love to you,
Daniel

 

I have been brought here because of 5 minutes that happened today.

I was in my classroom at university and then next door they started drilling! I believe they're changing the wood floor. It was 5 minutes of on and off drilling. Because it took me a bit to pack up and leave.

My right ear had a foam earplug with 37 dB SNR. My right one had a 27 dB SNR silicone earplug to actually hear the professor. At first it wasn't even inserted all the way and took me like 10 seconds to plug it. Finally, when I left I also put on my Peltor X4A. But it still seemed loud!

Now my ears are screaming at me! Especially the left one that was less protected. Online it says drills are 95-100 dB. I don't think I will ever recover from this... I left and then I cried in my car for a few minutes. Why does this happen to me? My ears got f**ked in just a few moments. My spikes never return to baseline. I only get worse.

If I had access to any weapons, I would honestly kms. Maybe join the war in Ukraine and when shit hits the fan call it quits.

 

I was really stupid and didn't wear my earplugs in a store. But, you have to understand my tinnitus is already unbelievably loud and plugs mean NO masking. However, that is risky. Catch 22 and I am damned...

Well, in this hardware store, one of the bonehead employees pulls a lift truck around a corner and hit a metal shelf.

That collision and the subsequent noise of stuff falling down spiked my tinnitus. I wasn't right beside it but was close enough!

This spike should be temporary, right?

I'm so angry at myself - I *was* wearing earplugs more often, especially around my neighborhood and home. But, I should be wearing them in unfamiliar places - I had them in at some point there but took them out - when the overhead speaker music and noise stopped. :-(

I'm looking into buying NAC but I forget what I had - I can't find the bottle - guess I threw it out. I know it was the NOW brand.

Does it matter what brand I get? Can someone suggest one - I mainly want the content - 600 mg vs 1000 mg? etc.

Also, if brand does matter, suggest some.

Any chance NAC will help? The trauma was today. The spike is so awful, beyond words. I don't know how I will sleep tonight.

I am trying to argue, positively, that spikes have happened from shaves, haircuts, dental work and traffic outside but this was in close proximity and the noise was a metal clanging so I knew I was ****ed. I just hope it goes 'down' to the horrible ringing it was previously.

Sorry for the bad writing and typos - on my phone and the loud ringing bothers me too much. :-(