Suicidal

Catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis have changed the way I look at everything. Sunsets. The stars. The beauties of this world. Its graceful love and delicacies; its sweet aromas; its warmth and promise; its touch and intimacies. I feel robbed of those enjoyments. I no longer recognize my home; myself; a stranger lurks within. I no longer recognize time itself—the good ol’ days are bygone treasures; the present lies in desolation, like a barren wasteland; the future, I fear, will die in vain. Memories are all but forgotten, like constituents of torment, as I ponder what I did and didn’t do; what I could've done to avoid these disasters. Old wounds are reopened, traumas rehashed. How am I supposed to live like this, where the tinnitus feels like constant electricity, causing physical and emotional pain? How am I supposed to endure? The hyperacusis is so severe. I’m praying to God because I’m feeling so hopeless.

 

Your story is very touching Jerad, I often find myself pondering how things will prevail and reminiscing over the former life I used to have. Simple things that I took for granted, like lying in bed at night, listening to raindrops hit the window or stopping briefly lakeside during a hike with the only sounds I hear being a gentle breeze and birds chirping from various corners. The window of opportunity to experience these subtle pleasures have closed greatly, as I only rarely have completely quiet moments anymore. Still, I consider myself fortunate, the loud ring evolved into a lower hiss over time and I'm able to function, but it is simply not the same. I feel that no matter how much healing we experience, our brains constantly set new goals to achieve that ultimately only silence and good hearing will suffice. I sympathize with those with excruciating tinnitus and hyperacusis, it's a cruel and unwarranted punishment with simply no escape. All of our technological and scientific prowess lends no help, so what are we to do but cope and wait?

 

Benzos or SSRIs don’t help?

 

I haven’t tried either. Afraid to because of the horror stories. And I’m super sensitive to meds.

 

I enjoy being a shut-in, to a degree. Checking out of society doesn't bother me much either. But when the chips are down, there's not much I can do other than sit with my thoughts. Because most of my coping mechanisms are pretty much impossible now. Even if I'm slightly better at bottling things up, my mental health is catastrophic when things get bad.

Heavy lifting, no go. Even with lighter weights I get the pressure in my ear and lasting pain.

Running? Occlusion and tinnitus spikes.

A quiet walk outside? Where is quiet?

Not to mention with how out of shape I am now, it doesn't take much to get my heart racing. So the blood pumping and pulsatile tinnitus is even louder.

I'm trapped in one room now where I'm living and I take less than 100 steps a day, because every other room in the house has the TV blasting 24/7, dogs barking, and nobody ever leaves the damn house. Exercise was the best way for me to channel the anger and grief. I've lost most of my muscle now and my metabolism is shot. My mind and my body are slipping.

 

You are really mentally strong handling this without any medication!

 

My life so far:

.

 

Thanks. I feel like I don’t have a choice. A lot of people report worsenings with meds. Plus I see other stories about how the meds can make you feel even more depressed or suicidal. For some people, they can help a ton and for others, they hurt, like Brian P. and his cautionary tale. After seeing how things unfolded with him, how does one comfortably give meds a try, or at least benzos? It’s sad.

 

If you're already suicidal and have reached the end, trying a treatment couldn't hurt since you're already at your limit. If you haven't reached that point yet, I understand the fear in trying benzos or other medications since a detrimental effect could push you to that limit.

 

You fail to realize a LOT of people who have 1. success or 2. neither improvement nor worsening don't come to forums and social media. You mostly see the cases that are suffering and having bad experiences.

It's very important not to get paranoid... I think you need some serious counseling, Jerad.

 

What I’m saying is, I know my body and how it reacts. It’s very sensitive to meds in general. Every single med or supplement I’ve taken for an extended period of time has caused permanent worsenings in the last 8 months (ever since my auditory system went berserk). And these weren’t hardcore drugs. So I find it hard to believe I’d be able to take some of these drugs if the lighter ones all nailed me.

Had I been more paranoid, I wouldn’t be in the daily hell I’m in now with tinnitus that’s like electrical shocks. Paranoia, for many here, would have been a godsend. So many wish they had been more paranoid to avoid their current predicaments. For me, it only took one supplement (that was natural, too) to push my tinnitus from moderate/tolerable to severe, electrical, and unmaskable. One wrong move can spell disaster. Tinnitus is unmerciful.

Those who can’t afford further worsenings are obviously traumatized and have no more room for error; that’s not because they need counseling... it’s because they’re in critical condition. It’s important to know each person’s story and respect it, and try not to judge them.

 

I haven't had any permanent worsening from taking antidepressants. They did make my tinnitus worse while on them though. What I do is test the waters with the absolute lowest dose possible.

For example, when I tried Zoloft I was prescribed the lowest dose possible. Then I cut those pills into 1/4's, took one of the quarters and assessed how I felt. I did this for a few days and noticed my tinnitus increased. I did not stop taking them cold turkey. I started taking the quarters every other day, then slowly down to every few days then stopped.

For Nortriptyline, I couldn't cut the pills so just followed with the lowest dose (10 mg) for two weeks then upped the dose to 20 mg. I noticed an increase at 20 mg so went back down to 10 mg.

You just have to take it very slow and be vigilant. Never stop something cold turkey. I've noticed many people here who say an antidepressant has caused permanent worsening have all stopped cold turkey.

 

@Jerad, sorry to hear that. What supplement did you take?

 

My body is very similar. Some supplements I took either did nothing or helped a little in the beginning, but then began to make things worse. Even things most people take to help like NAC or Magnesium now cause spikes. Allopathic meds? Forget it. Gives me all the side effects and none of the benefits. Makes me wish we could look inside our bodies and figure out why this is happening or figure out if genetics are at play. I'm really envious of the people who can just pop things advertised as silver bullets and be ok. Trust me, hasn't been the case for me either and has done more harm than good.

 

I think @ajc is just trying to help. If you are really scared of medication then maybe counselling wouldn’t be such a bad idea? It’s the only risk free treatment available.

I struggled for 8 months without any meds because I was so worried about potential worsening. I started taking Valium and it has helped me a great deal. It does not change my tinnitus at all but it does helps me ignore it. I use it 2 times a week so I don’t develop a dependency or have to go through withdrawal. It’s just nice to get a bit of a break. I do understand the hesitation though, particularly if you feel your tinnitus has increased due to a supplement.

Just chucking in my 2 cent. I hope you find something that helps you.

 

Turmeric first triggered a huge hyperacusis relapse and caused a morse code tinnitus tone to develop last fall. I tried it for back pain. A lot of people say it helps tinnitus. I had taken it in the past with no problem. This time, it got me, though. Dunno why. Maybe it didn’t bother in the past because I took it alongside NAC... I still dunno. But nothing else happened besides taking Turmeric, so I can confidently say it triggered the issues.

A few months later, I got leg ulcers that somehow got infected. ER gave me topical Neosporin. That permanently worsened tinnitus/hyperacusis after a couple days. I was avoiding oral antibiotics because of my sensitivities to meds. Ulcers kept getting worse and doctor was saying I might lose my leg, or have it turn into sepsis. Then, I’d either die or intravenous antibiotics would be forced on me. So I researched deeply and found colloidal silver was considered “safe” for tinnitus and some even said it helped tinnitus. After 8 days of topical use (not oral), I got the severe, electrical tinnitus that hurts. That was 3 months ago. Ulcers went away, but tinnitus didn’t.

So since I’m so sensitive to natural things, I worry about being able to tolerate more heavy drugs. It’s a huge gamble, especially when I feel like I’ve used up my 9 lives and suicide isn’t an option. I don’t feel I can kill myself or do VAD, so I’m trapped. It would be liberating to know I could ultimately go that route if the shit completely hit the fan. But I can’t.

 

This does my head in. Why? Why would supplements, especially those which could help like Magnesium, cause spikes? I also find I am more sensitive to things that never used to bother me.

 

Tinnitus is raging today, like a pack of cicadas armed with stingers! Sucks...

Despite the constant pain, I find myself dreaming of reclamation—getting my life back is top priority. The world is dark and scary right now, like I’m lost in the woods without any light. But every so often, I see rays of hope shining down; the sun peeks through the heavy forest, hugs against the trees and branches, makes its presence known, offers a glimpse of what could be; the possibilities. And for a moment, I believe them! That’s hope. I remember what life used to be like; I remember who I was; I feel happy. The light’s still there, though the sun is far, but life will return in all its glory. That’s the promise. These woods are dense and dark, may seem inescapable, but for every forest that exists, there’s a way out. Don’t let anyone tell you there’s not. There’s always a way out. We just gotta find it.

 

I looked up Turmeric and it’s said it helps with ototoxic drugs. I have never heard from anyone that it causes tinnitus but there could always be a new case. Strange indeed.

 

Do you get ear pressure when you bend over too? My ear constantly turns red as well and gets hot to touch.

 

I think it affects some people because of the high salicylates. If you dig deep in Tinnitus Talk, you’ll find accounts of Turmeric spiking people. Salicylates are in Aspirin, too. They can affect some people with tinnitus/hyperacusis.

 

Wow I didn’t know that either lol, now I’m going to avoid it

 

For me it's mostly raising anything above my head. So if I would try to do overhead presses or a bench press it would start immediate pain. I do feel a rumbling when I bend over to do something like a deadlift but the pain is usually a few hours after instead of immediate.

For all I know it may be purely coincidental and I might be just getting worse regardless of what I take, but I do feel like I had more sensitivity after taking magnesium and NAC and then felt baseline when I didn't. Wasn't always like that but I'm not sure why it's happening now.

 

Before I had a major relapse on March 27, I felt like a different person. My tinnitus was quiet (and had been for 4 years), and I was living my life without the noise interfering. Since then, I feel like I'm walking on very thin ice. I'm even reluctant to turn on the radio in the car for fear it will spike my tinnitus. So I know what you mean, Jerad, when you talk about remembering who you were. You want things to be "normal" again so you can feel lighter and more joyful. But I'm glad you're able to see glimpses of hope.

Not to sound like a broken record, but this is why I asked my doctor to switch me to a new antidepressant. I was on Lexapro for 15 years and had great success with it. But after my tinnitus relapse, he suggested trying something new. For the past two weeks, I've been on Pristiq (actually, the generic Desvenlafaxine). It's too soon to say whether or not this will make me feel like my old self, but I've got to stick with it. Fortunately, I haven't had any adverse side effects (one of the supposed benefits of this drug).

We only have the present, and if we're lucky, the future. The past is sometimes very hard to relinquish, and I've had some days where I obsess over things that can never be changed. I hope you're able to find the light again. Looking at your picture, you appear to be much younger than me (I'm 61). So take stock in the years you have ahead. Medical science is always looking for ways to make our lives better.

Peace.

Craig

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement, @Frayact. I appreciate it. What do you think caused your relapse? I hope the AD helps you. I’ll look into that med, too.

What gets me so down is how my tinnitus is a painful sensation and not just a sound. If it were only a sound and didn’t feel like electricity zapping / shocking me aggressively, then I’d be immensely better. I’d probably be able to be at peace with it. I dunno how anyone is expected to feel okay and accept it when it feels like you’re hooked-up to an electroshock machine constantly. Acceptance is a big part of healing and/or habituation. I just feel like my current predicament is well beyond the threshold for what’s reasonable.

And I’m sad because I’ve seen other people with tinnitus similar to mine seemingly give up. @Mumbo on here was having a similar type of tinnitus and was saying he might commit suicide a few weekends ago because his wife was going out of town. I tried to give him hope to hold on, but I’m worried he went through with it. He hasn’t signed-on in 20 days, which is very unusual. He was signing-on daily, multiple times, before that.

And then, I also worry about my severe hyperacusis because it makes me feel extremely trapped, too. Situation is just really bad.

Thanks for the help. I’m taking one day at a time.

 

Same. I get pressure and pain when reaching above my right ear. I gave myself a barotrauma in that ear doing that Valsalva, and ever since then, redness/heat/tinnitus/pressure/pain. I’m very afraid to work out.

 

This is a big reason why tinnitus and hyperacusis regimens make no sense to me. Some recommend anti-inflammatory diets and supplements, but those are more likely to have salicylates and contribute to ear damage. So which is it? It's impossible to navigate in my opinion.

 

I have no idea what caused the relapse. It's happened before; I'll go several years without any sign of the humming noise, and then it will show up from out of the blue. Like you, I also feel my low tinnitus. It's like a vibration or fluttering somewhere in my head and ears. My high-pitched tinnitus is just a noise - no physical sensation. I habituated to it many years ago. But the humming is painful.

Have you ever had an MRI to see if there's an underlying cause for the electric zapping? Over the course of 26 years, I've had four MRI's, and none of them revealed a damn thing. But maybe you'd have better luck.

 

@Frayact, sorry to hear that the humming is bothering you so much. That’s good it goes away for years at a time and let’s hope it does again soon.

Ya, it’s the feeling aspects that make my tinnitus so bad. If the high frequency stuff was just sounds and not physical feelings, too, I’d be okay. It would instantly become 80% better. But it’s hard to adapt when it feels like electricity plugged into your head. It’s like sticking your finger in a socket. I get jolts or shocks. It’s really F’d up.

I haven’t had an MRI for it. My hyperacusis is so severe, so I don’t see how I would. I did do a CT scan for my humming last year and they found I might have superior canal dehiscence. But they weren't sure.

I wonder if the vibration and electricity feelings we feel are just the brain’s way of processing the sounds. Almost like it thinks a hum ought to vibrate due to its super low frequency — like the same sound when we encounter it in real life — and maybe it thinks super high frequencies—like mine—should sting because of the nature of the high sounds. Not sure. I know other people with tinnitus similar to mine and theirs doesn’t hurt, but maybe it’s not as high of a frequency. Truly a mystery.

 

@Jerad, don't know if I told you all this before:

Slow head movement is important. Don't try to focus on a moving object. Was told for you to stop constant eye movement with reading and writing. Told that this is so needed. Don't move eyes across a computer or TV screen.

Exercise other than walking can increase brain zaps.

Benadryl should help.

By doing all this, electrical sensations, brain zaps should be gone in weeks to a couple of months. GABA levels should increase.

Besides what I know and told by an experienced therapist, this article reflects a bit of what I mentioned above.

https://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Brain-Zaps