Suicidal

My ears have taken a turn for the worse. My ringing has just spiralled out of control and I'm really not sure I'll be able to hang on. Really really dark thoughts atm. I can't believe it's just gotten so bad so quickly. I had a couple of good days just a week ago. Now I'm really thinking I'm done. The piercing sound is just too much for me. Not sure what I should do?

 

Hi Leeroy - Hang in there. Been there many times. It will settle down again. The hardest part is, when it is this bad, anything anyone suggests in terms of how to pass the time/divert your focus will seem pointless or impossible (at least that is always how I feel in those times). But distraction and forcing yourself to do quiet activities, especially getting outside, and just believing that some relief will come is all I know to recommend.

You will make it to a better place with this, whether you can see the path there now or not. Take care.

 

Depends on the breed, such as Russian Blues that are beautiful, low shedding, intriguing and known to be quite quiet.

 

@PebblesForNow, thx for the words. I really appreciate them right now. It's night here and I'm trying to wrap my head around trying to lie down and get rest. Virtually impossible. My nerves are frayed and I feel totally defeated. My wife and 3 kids are what's keeping me from going for a walk and not returning home. I can't stop crying. Totally worn down.

 

Hang in there brother, if there was no associated noise trauma, these spikes usually settle down, and even with noise trauma it could also settle down.

 

I totally understand. I have been there too. I don’t even like to think about those times because they were so dark and incredibly hurtful. I used to say literal prayers all day long to die, get hit by a truck, etc. - just anything to have it end but without hurting my family by hurting myself.

But if you notice, most people aren’t on the forum for more than 6-12 months (of course there are notable exceptions who make up most of the posts, like most forums). But most people do improve. Even with the terrible, intrusive tinnitus. It seems to happen in almost imperceptibly small increments until you just realize you are doing better. Not perfect, but better.

By the way, I remember being very focused on how I had to make it totally go away or life wasn’t worth living. But I eventually started to realize that improvement was acceptable, too. And that will surely come.

Keep hanging in there.

 

I feel you so much. I love you all so much. WE gotta make it!

Pray for me, I gotta make it somehow.

 

Any (specific) advice? I know I'm supposed to explain how every day is for me and the restrictions. I've written up some notes. It's difficult to express to people a condition they have no clue about and can't relate to. I was going to emphasize that I constantly think of suicide and don't see myself being around in old age or even 10 years. They can't relate to a constant ringing sound in their brains and ears so I have to stress the psychological effects, the depression especially and anxiety. Even that is a challenge because the only backing and support I have is a family doctor and he was no help at all at the start. So, it's going to be difficult.

 

Everyone's tinnitus and condition is unique and different - but, many have similar reports. My ringing is unbearable, too. I still am not sure, after all this time - how it is getting worse. It is definitely worse than the first 6-12 months I had tinnitus.

I am guessing, from subsequent acoustic traumas and I don't know if wearing earplugs would have helped but I wear them more often nowadays. I don't think it's good to always wear them, though. It's also bad, too, because the ringing/multiple tones are so much more pronounced. This probably doesn't help but my only advice is to carry around ear plugs at all times and try to have them in before loud events happen close to you. Get as much sleep as you can.

 

No experience with hearings, but my advice is to get a psych report and if you can afford it, get a qEEG scan, that will show abnormal brain hyperactivity-especially in auditory cortex and prefrontal areas (amygdala, etc).

 

I know this wasn’t directed at me, but I am in the UK and have had a successful disability claim. Although I do have an autoimmune condition which causes nerve & joint pain.

I focused more on the psychological and practical aspects of tinnitus and sound sensitivity. The things the assessor could imagine. For instance:

• It completely limits social interactions, and I hadn’t seen any friends since onset.
• My partner had to make tea as the noise of the kettle sounded like a spaceship taking flight (or I would have to push the button and leave the room), same with frying food, microwave beeps, etc. Although I could use the oven.
• I couldn’t commute via public transport & had to wear double protection in the car.
• I couldn’t hold a phone to my ear.
• My sleep was severely affected.
• I could not concentrate.
• I struggled to leave the house and would usually have panic attacks whenever I tried.
• Any time I did manage to leave the house (rarely) I wore earplugs, making communication difficult. Isolating.
• I developed a phobia of unavoidable noise. Street sweepers, busses, car horns, loud music, grass cutters, leaf blowers, dogs barking. It’s good to give examples. These are noises a normal person wouldn’t think twice about. It helps them understand just how unavoidable the noises are, and that unlike most other condition, you have no control over the thing that causes you pain/anxiety.
• Severe depression that affected my relationships.
• Fluctuating hearing loss & intense felling of fullness. Like my head is a pressure cooker.
• The sound of my daughters voice physically hurt, and I was no longer able to pick her up from nursery etc.

As evidence I supplied all my doctors notes, and various medications I was on (this did include some medicines for my autoimmune condition). I also suggested that they could talk any member of my family. I was not suicidal so wouldn’t know what to say in that respect.

I have no idea how much of my disability assessment was based on my hearing issues, but I hope this is helpful.

 

Sadly, it’s also very difficult to relate to someone feeling suicidal if you have never experienced it yourself. The all consuming nature of these thoughts are something I couldn’t even of imagined pre tinnitus. These thoughts didn’t last long for me and by the time my assessment came about I was no longer suicidal.

 

I am petrified about having to withstand the fireworks for 4th of July. What will you guys with noxacusis be doing?

 

@dan, thanks mate! I'm hanging in there for now but really need some solid sleep to manage my mental state a bit better. Had a tiny bit of Valium yesterday (which i rarely ever take) and ended up with another sound in my left ear. So F***** awesome!

@PebblesForNow, exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. I have let tinnitus get on top of me over the past 12 months and controlled me for too long. Time to take some ground back.

@Travis Henry, hey! I've seen you hurting too my friend... And I wish I could help you out and make things a little easier for you. I'm thinking of ya and your battle. Lets keep chipping away at this shit and not let it beat us. We got too much to lose.

 

Will do. You’ve got this, Travis Henry. One day at a time.

 

There has to be relief coming soon somehow.

 

My tinnitus is like this. Very loud and reactive. It's pure hell.

 

Habituation is the only "relief" that's coming.

 

There are drugs coming out.

 

It’s impossible to habituate to noxacusis.

 

Some folks like to kill all hope.

 

I agree. I had burning for 4 days and was at end of my rope... not even stabbing, just burning and I was done.

 

Off label... it's a hit or miss. I have slight hope for Dr. Thanos but looks like it will come out just before he retires.

 

Man I’ve been trying to habituate to sharp stabbing pain, but trust me, you just can’t.

 

Yup it’s not possible.

 

Mine doesn't even hurt badly, it's like a Jalapeno, but knowing how bad this can get it's just so goddamn terrifying.

 

Habituation or suicide. Wow, we're spoiled for choice.

 

I decided to treat my tinnitus (as my friend) and spent the day together in my room with it in ambience of 31 dB. Would that be considered near silence?

 

Don't worry, we can soon overdose on Xenon pills and either cause a massive neurological shutdown and die or survive and shut down tinnitus.

 

Xenon pills? What are those?