Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      They don’t know any better. Most don’t suffer from this. They just read textbooks for a paycheck. Just my opinion.

      Nobody is severe that I’ve asked in the field. Maybe mild at most. My wife and son yell constantly and they apologize but damage is done almost daily.

      My tinnitus is screaming in silence right now. Shrill piercing tones. Reactive BS too. I’ve had good moments where I just didn’t care and felt happy. It’s taking time but I believe if you can eventually stabilize you’ll be ok with more time.

      I’m depressed at this moment because my stomach acid decided to start causing havoc and it makes me very exhausted and depressed. Then I start focusing on the loud ringing and I cycle.

      I have no advice for you other than I’m sorry you are suffering so much. I’m sorry everyone here is. We have been dealt a shitty hand and honestly the world doesn’t care. They are living their life, doing TikToks that cause cancer, listening to music and just carefree. We could be angry or mad but what for? Good for them.

      Life is what it is. You always hear stories of bad things happening to people for no reason. “Aw man that’s awful, that sucks”, but we went on living our life. Eventually our time came and our world became shattered.

      Don’t blame yourself. It’s already hard as it is with you dealing with this crap, no need to add regret on top. We all make choices, some good, some bad. It’s not your fault, things just happen.

      If you are worsening over and over, you may need to find the culprit. Try steroids if you haven’t. Low inflammation diet or fasting. I don’t know. Something’s gotta give to point you in the right direction.
       
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    2. GuitarMan

      GuitarMan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mild hearing loss due to high volume sounds
      That's the scary thing. You can go back 10 years and see people back then talking about "cure will be here in 2 to 5 years" and here we are ten years later not really too much farther along.

      I suppose they get closer every year and eventually it will happen, hopefully very soon, but until it happens we won't really know.

      XEN1101 has been in trials since 2015 or something like that and still nothing.

      I've been throwing everything I can at mine and hopefully I won't make it worse. GABA, Clonazepam, THC, notch therapy, playing the tinnitus tone at a low volume, sound enrichment, in the hopes that something works.

      Saw an audiologist who confirmed mild hearing loss in my tinnitus ear. Saw an ENT's PA who said there was nothing to do but scheduled me for a couple of tests to rule out anything physical. I also set up an appointment with an actual Neuro-ENT who has experience with tinnitus.

      I consider myself lucky that compared to what I've read on this forum, mine is in the mild to moderate category and while it does keep me from sleeping, I can more or less manage a few hours of sleep by taking stuff to sleep and playing cricket and cidada sounds which cause my tinnitus noise to sort of blend into those noises. But during the day at work and at night at home in a quiet room or even watching TV, it's a constant eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee at 10.5 kHz to 10.7 kHz.
       
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    3. bobvann
      Vegged out

      bobvann Member

      Location:
      Inside the vortex
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud shit
      My ENT told me way back "Ooooo, if you have hyperacusis, it only worsens with time."

      I think physicians & ENTs tell you the truth; there are no real treatments aka magic pill etc.

      I think it's the TRT and CBTists that are the real charlatans & crooks. From my own experience clinics seem to take liberty on how to deliver TRT.

      If it is truly the gold standard, why not offer a money back guarantee at the end of the treatment? I know some would lie even if it did help them because it cannot be truly measured which is part of the problem.

      I love some of the shit people come up with that I have read online.

      Someone complained of having to recluse themselves.

      All someone can come up with is "this is what tinnitus wants", like it's a DC comic villain waiting to get you.

      Or "you are letting tinnitus call the shots."

      Sadly that's all we have.
       
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    4. MaxRabbit

      MaxRabbit Member

      Location:
      Los Angeles
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Likely Extreme Stress
      Hello to all here. I have been homebound and my reactive tinnitus and hypersensitive hearing continue to worsen. I'm not saying we can't heal but it's a loooong haul if we do. I also think overprotecting does some harm but exposure to loud sounds is worse.. Eh.. My ears crack at nearly everything on top of the shrill pitches and lower tones. It's hell and my life is drained. What the fuck to do... Shrooms? LDN? It seems even with hearing loss it's the brain that's sending all these sounds. We need to be taught to slowly reorganize our pathways to go around the damage and stop sending these signals of noise. Plasticity is essential and how to mold our brains to ignore and reset the activity causing the ringing... Where is that treatment for us to follow and possibly heal?
       
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    5. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      With tinnitus and hyperacusis, sometimes I worry that getting these conditions in their worst forms is equivalent to someone who’s met a vegetative state, a most abysmal fate that’s irredeemable. They’re gone, essentially, never coming back... a perpetual coma of sorts where, yes, they’re alive very much, but only through mere breaths or bodily logistics. Their mind is mush and dead, and will it ever come back?

      Oh, such loss plagues us. Such worry. Such pain. We’re haunted by its devastation. Tormented by its fallout. Longing for redemption. Tinnitus and hyperacusis take everything from us, don’t they?

      Aspirations and dreams so fervently lost, cast into a darkness void of light, never to return. Their frozen embers burnt out long ago, though we still remember their presence through the persistence of memory and what could’ve been. And what could’ve been would’ve been beautiful, but the rosebud of life withered to an irredeemable state. And what’s left are just echoes and whispers of the long held pain, rotting profusely in the footfalls of time.
       
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    6. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      If Shakespeare had tinnitus...
       
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    7. GuitarMan

      GuitarMan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mild hearing loss due to high volume sounds
      JFC... I'm in for a fun night. I was at an indoor exhibit tonight and a little kid let out a shriek from hell maybe 5 feet from me. Now my tinnitus is approx 3 times louder than it was. When I got home I tried my masking app through the Bluetooth speaker which is what I've been using to be able to sleep and no matter how loud I play the cricket sounds the tinnitus tone is louder than the masking sound unless I turn up the crickets loud enough to cause even more damage to my hearing. I hope this is just temporary and drops back to its already annoying baseline.

      Gonna be another GABA, Melatonin, and weed night...
       
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    8. Pitseleh

      Pitseleh Member

      Location:
      France
      Tinnitus Since:
      2007
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      You're just one month in, it's very likely that you'll feel better soon. As many others have told you already, give it time, give your ears some rest, but try and stay mentally occupied.

      Even people with the most severe tinnitus like some of us here, that have been facing this condition for decades, know that in the early stages, you have to avoid three things by any means:

      - Dangerous noises
      - Stress
      - Loneliness

      The three of them will play a huge role when it comes to the number and volume of the sounds you're dealing with.
       
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    9. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      Knowing what I know now, I can’t believe I’ve spent 36 years on this earth in harmony and bliss, being able to coexist with nature fine and peacefully, and now it all turned on me with such brutality. My body and the constructs of existence are waging war on my residence here — I’m literally incompatible with this planet now, like I don’t belong. And the worst thing about these aggressors is that they’ll never kill me — ever. They’ll turn-up the heat more and more, but they’ll always spare my life, always... much to my dismay. :(

      I hope and pray that I can heal so life can be reasonable once again.
       
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    10. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      Keep living and being hopeful. Something’s got to give.
       
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    11. Ava Lugo
      Dead

      Ava Lugo Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Virus
      What can we do if we have the kind of tinnitus that we can’t ever fully habituate to because it’s very reactive, unmaskable and in your face a lot? :( What if some of us don’t improve? Do you believe we can get to a point where we hear the reactive tinnitus over everything or hear it all day but it doesn’t bother us?
       
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    12. PebblesForNow
      Busy

      PebblesForNow Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Autoimmune disease and noise exposure (concert)
      From experience, I can tell you that time is likely to both reduce the reactivity and severity as well as change how you perceive it/care about it. Luckily, our brains get bored easily, so they can learn to care less and less about things they have become accustomed too. Hang in there!
       
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    13. PebblesForNow
      Busy

      PebblesForNow Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Autoimmune disease and noise exposure (concert)
      Things will level out. The heat will get turned down again.
       
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    14. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      Honestly I don’t know. I have periods where it’s fairly bad but I’m good. Periods where it’s lower and I’m bothered. I know that with time, as long as I accept it and distract, it sometimes lowers even on bad days.

      It’s just so ridiculous. Fluttering squealing to a quiet laptop fan like c’mon. Everyone is different, but we all need some stability.

      I don’t mean to freak you out but not everyone will improve. Most definitely will and I’ve even seen really bad cases show improvement. I mean if not then I’m just as screwed.
       
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    15. Ava Lugo
      Dead

      Ava Lugo Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Virus
      Well hearing that gives me a tiny bit of hope but is it possible for reactivity to improve after 3 years? And not caring about it reacting as well? I mean can it sometimes take more than 3 years to either get used to these unstable unmaskable intrusive tinnitus tones or for them to improve? Like maybe it takes some people 5 years or more? I know that you said that time helps so maybe there’s no limit, like maybe it could improve 6 years from now, who knows... just if only I could tell the future lol.

      I have had severe unmaskable reactive tinnitus for almost 3 years now.
       
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    16. PebblesForNow
      Busy

      PebblesForNow Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Autoimmune disease and noise exposure (concert)
      I do think both can happen even after 3 years. The first year was the worst for me, but I still got a lot of improvement after that, which happened gradually over time.
       
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    17. Travis Henry
      Cynical

      Travis Henry Member

      Location:
      Dallas,TX
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      1 Moderna Vac, Noise and stress I guess, its killing me
      Got vax in September 2021. I know I've only had tinnitus since October 2021 and made it intrusive and level 7 or 8 in January 2022 and made level 9 or 10 in April 2022 and then it became reactive in late April 2022 with loudness hyperacusis... but I'm going mad with how loud my tinnitus is. I can't sleep at night and I got so much to live for and a wonderful life, but I am being tortured everyday. Rest assured tinnitus has no limit. Not a second goes by that it doesn't affect me and how homebound it has me is insane. I really don't know how much longer I can last. Every day and every second is a battle.
       
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    18. bobvann
      Vegged out

      bobvann Member

      Location:
      Inside the vortex
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud shit
      I guess for others our brains keep getting more fascinated a.k.a. long chronic sufferers, getting worse etc.
       
    19. Juan

      Juan Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Several causes
      That's very well defined. Having hyperacusis is like being dropped in another planet where different rules apply.
       
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    20. Travis Henry
      Cynical

      Travis Henry Member

      Location:
      Dallas,TX
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      1 Moderna Vac, Noise and stress I guess, its killing me
      My god this is hell.
       
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    21. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      It is. Please hang in there mate. I want to read your success story one day, not your epitaph.
       
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    22. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Kids make the top 5 most dangerous noises for severe sufferers in close proximity without hearing protection:

      1. Gunfire (even with hearing protection is a no no)
      2. Fireworks/firecrackers
      3. Sirens/air horns/car horns
      4. Construction equipment/power tools
      5. Children screaming
      6. My farts at 90 dB
       
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    23. GuitarMan

      GuitarMan Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Mild hearing loss due to high volume sounds
      Interesting. Mine started after exposure to very loud DJ music followed by a 130+ dB airhorn at arm's length from my ear. Then to add insult to injury the shrieking kid in a relatively small and very sound-reflective area.

      It's interesting because maybe 15 or so years ago give or take I used a wet tile saw for several hours and after that experience I ended up with an even louder tinnitus than I have now. Same ear (left) but it went away on its own after 6 or 8 weeks.

      This time I'm older and have 15 years of additional accumulated damage to my ears as a result of being a musician in loud rock bands. It's been about 2 months and I'm not seeing any indications that it's going to resolve itself this time. If anything it's slowly getting worse.

      Over the years I've subjected my ears to every single thing on that list. Well, except one.
       
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    24. Jon R.

      Jon R. Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2001 & then again in 2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      1st tone 2001 ear plugs, 3 other tones 2021 Pfizer vaccine
      Still being driven mad here too. Had a rumbling hum for many years that only reared its ugly head during colds and would go away like clockwork after about 4 weeks.

      Then I had the vax in May 2021 and 2 days later all hell broke lose, rumbling hum came back, and on top of that hissing tinnitus along with reactive tinnitus like a dentist drill to everything I hear, along with harsh distorted sound. Life is ruined.

      We all seem to be in a very similar boat in many ways sadly. I wish I knew what to do to stop this 24/7 noise that I can't mask.
       
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    25. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Loneliness is actually great for us in the beginning stages. We need to be left the f#@k alone for 2 years.

      It's just too much stress worrying if your partner drops a plate on the tile floor or leaves the radio volume on max in your car. Plus not many partners can withstand seeing us suffer while on the road to habituation.

      Severe tinnitus is hell, but early stages are just a special place in hell... it's not a pretty sight to witness.
       
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    26. Pitseleh

      Pitseleh Member

      Location:
      France
      Tinnitus Since:
      2007
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      This is debatable but I can definitely understand your point. Loneliness does mean silence so, yes, you're more risk-free on your own regarding potentially loud noises.

      But filling your life with complete silence and isolation is also the worst thing you can do regarding your mental state and hyperacusic state. It just feeds your brain with nothing but what you're going through internally, which may be super toxic on the long run.

      So yeah, debatable :)
       
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    27. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      It's a tradeoff, I agree. Not having someone to talk with can make you more sensitive to people's voices and develop hyperacusis. It's important to read out loud to yourself especially if you watch television on very low volume.
       
    28. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      One of the saddest things about extreme tinnitus and hyperacusis is the loneliness that rides alongside them. People don’t get it. They can’t imagine such a brutal world, a violent landscape that presents such challenge and transforms the simple into things abysmal. Nonetheless, it’s only natural that those who suffer would crave acceptance and understanding from them. Receiving empathy and sympathy are intrinsic desires because, after all, without them the world is a lonelier place. We look to others for comfort and support, but oftentimes don’t get it from anyone, not the doctors, our friends, or even those who love us most, our own family. There’s a lot of pushback, a very strong wave of disbelief; our claims are often met with skepticism and rebuked by the masses, as if we’re imagining a hellish world for who knows what reason.

      Those who live in this torment do so because there’s a tormentor destroying their lives — in our case, a very real thing and not the product of imagination. I often have a realization: If those who don’t believe could spend just 1 day in our shoes, they would totally change their tunes. They would realize what we’re up against and the utter devastation that comes with such a plight. No longer would we face the mocking or belittling, or that misguided 2-cents about what to do or how to do it. They would thank God that their experience with such horror was short-lived, only a day and not an eternity. The world would take us seriously.

      In life, when the simplest things are lost, it’s a situation that’s unconscionable. When you’re allergic to most sounds, can’t be around people, can’t even exist in your own home almost. It’s absolute hell, like a prison within a prison, or solitary confinement.

      upload_2022-7-27_14-22-27.jpeg

      Every little thing is challenged. When you’re sweating profusely on a 90°day because your ears can’t tolerate the air conditioning, even when it’s only 35 decibels. When a neighbor decides to cut their grass and they’re so far away, a football-field distance, yet it still aggravates your ears, under your own roof. And on top of that, dealing with tinnitus that’s not maskable and erratic, and literally painful, like electrical currents shocking and zapping 24/7.

      The struggles that come with tinnitus and hyperacusis, when they’re ultra severe, are beyond the realm of problems — they’re catastrophic, waging war on the very construct of existence. I often frame this point by saying they make you incompatible with the world, which is very true. That’s why I pray to God a lot about this. Because I personally believe in Him and know He’d understand the situation when no one else can. I’ve witnessed paranormal events in my life that, to me, prove there’s a spiritual realm, and therefore a “God,” and I personally believe in Jesus Christ and His promises.

      Humanity doesn’t understand us. Men and women don’t. Society at large doesn’t. And the governments of this world don’t either. Even though these conditions exist in literature and medical textbooks, adequate funding isn’t there to find treatments. Tinnitus, hyperacusis, and their power to destroy doesn’t receive recognition or respect. They’re often seen as lightweight disorders when, in actuality, they’re some of the worst in the world when severe, rendering the sufferer unable to coexist with the framework of this very planet, and damning them to the confines of their own home, where they feel unsafe even there. But a living, existing God would truly understand the paradox of this dilemma, a world where you can’t live and can’t die either, as your condition isn’t terminal, and never will be, and the suffering has no cap or ceiling, like an open sky that hugs the universe, its endless depth and blackness, where there is no limit, no scope or size, as it stretches on forever. And as we float into its dark abyss, we’re like a helpless astronaut, free-falling into nothingness.

      upload_2022-7-27_14-22-58.jpeg

      We’ve lost our ship and gravity. We have no control or handle on the situation, overtaken in the vacuum of a lifeless space, where there’s nothing to grab onto and no hope in sight. We disconnect more and more, lose our minds little by little. Physical torment breaks us down as we wander through the cosmos and the days become eons, and lose their identities. But unlike the powerless astronaut, we never die. We float forever.

      God may be the only one — besides fellow sufferers — who could ever understand these things and the paradox that we face; the severe trauma and isolation. God’s creation was meant to be experienced, not hidden from. And that’s why I call upon everyone to pray and seek Him, and to ask for help. We all want to experience His world and take part in it. But like this, we just can’t. Let’s call upon Him with that very message. Let the paradox be broken. Let us be reprieved.
       
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    29. Travis Henry
      Cynical

      Travis Henry Member

      Location:
      Dallas,TX
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      1 Moderna Vac, Noise and stress I guess, its killing me
      I love you Dan, I am doing my best, but I have been screwed every single way from Sunday. From my loved ones pushing me to be around loud stuff and earplugs not saving me enough to my mom and dad not believing me when I got homebound and forcing me to go to hospital. Then me telling them I've been suicidal which was dumb of me to tell them. They put me on benzos and then threw me in the psych ward like I am crazy... Which I am most certainly not. No one believes these conditions exists. It's sad. I am in hyperacusis, reactive tinnitus hell and trying hard to get off the benzos they pushed me on. I am in for the fight of my life to stay alive and I am not even one year in with all the worsening. I am not sure how to press on.

      I should have stopped everything in January when I first got this and told everyone to fuck off and stay home and only work out and protect my ears 24/7 for about 2 years till I got used to the extremely loud tinnitus. I could still listen to music and play guitar, but I had mild hyperacusis and didn't know it and ENTs didn't give me any good advice; only gave me benzos. I just can't believe the lack of awareness in this field. I can only imagine how many poor souls have been pushed down a similar path as I have here. They throw you ADs and call you crazy and depressed. Fuck the medical field. I'd have been better off going to see a witch doctor in the 18th century.

      My tinnitus is screaming loud. Like the worst of the worst now. 11 of 10. Definitely catastrophic and I am so sad I didn't stand up for myself and just move to a cabin in the woods and fine peace. Hindsight is a bitch.

      I can't believe we don't have any superstar campaigning for us to get treatment! How does no one famous get this shit really bad!
       
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    30. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Just believe in the power of your brain. Tapering off benzos definitely jacks up your tinnitus and reactivity. So once you clear them out of your system, you should be in a better place.

      Keep your ears safe meanwhile and do not under any circumstances get pushed into any noisy activity even with earplugs. You are a big guy? Don't let anybody mess with you.

      The 2 year mark will surely bring a reduction to your suffering (barring any additional noise reinjury). I promise, but you have to make distancing yourself from noise a religion. Any plate shattering in the kitchen or a dog bark or someone shouting, will negate all progress and have to start from square 1. I am no newbie to severe tinnitus & hyperacusis, since 2011.

      P.S. Don't just disappear on us one day without coming here. I really hate it when severe folks post for a while and then never come back, leaving us in question about their fate. @Geo was such a member with loud reactive tinnitus, same story, posted for a while and never heard from again. Although he did mention he would never take his own life. That dude was a fighter.
       
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