Suicidal

Enjoyed a month of paradise. Found a good supplement regimen. GABA, L-Tryptophan, microdosed Psilocybin weekly. Listened to my audiologist for the hell of it and stopped wearing protection and saw a huge increase in tolerance. So I thought I was in the clear, began to believe in all that. Focused on healing my brain. Added Boswellia, Fish oil, B12.

My night time seizure symptoms completely vanished, took the edge off of harsh sounds. Didn't push my luck too far or did anything crazy. Had my PC at 18ish volume listening to music regularly for sound enrichment, a dramatic jump from only being able to tolerate around 5 before. The most I was taking in was I reckon 30-40 dB from the motorcycle assholes outside.

Well lookie here. Something in me broke around last week. Spasms came back at night, mildly at first. Then full swing. Didn't want to believe it, so I tried a Atamet's Stack with my last edible. Niacin just made me jittery and I felt awful. This week, barely a wink of sleep. Insomnia is back, which I usually get with setbacks. My tried and true miracle supplements, which even worked through setbacks, no longer do a damn thing. My brain decided they've overstayed their welcome, and that it's time for them to not work. As it always goes. Time to add more ex-supplements to my list.

Really, wish I just stayed bad and didn't get a taste of that. The euphoria and hope I had. Thinking things are actually getting better and that I'm in the clear if I keep it up... all just dashed in an instant. Fuck my sensitive brain, ears, whatever the fuck is wrong with me. I wanna die even more now. Quit dangling the damn carrot in front of me and just let me die in peace.

Now then, time to enjoy the sound of action movies being blasted at 3AM by the people I live with, with each S and gunshot sound piercing through my skull, and the sweet screech of my tinnitus.

EDIT: Oh cool OTO-313 failed too. Fuck it all.

 

Story of my life. I don’t remember how many times I felt like I was healing just to be brought back to hell. It seems as though this will be the cycle for me until 1) there are treatments or 2) I off myself. There isn’t really any more options.

 

To LiLCC:

What your comments reminded me of:

Bruno Bettelheim was a prisoner in Dachau in 1938.

He said that the SS would have a special psychological torture where they would inform him that he was to be freed, and just as he reached the main gate they would decide that they had "changed their minds" (it becoming clear that they never intended to release him) and send him back to his designated barracks. He said they did this to him and others on a number of occasions, and some prisoners ultimately collapsed entirely and threw themselves onto the electrified barbed wire.

During this most miserably hot and humid summer, your situation has been precisely mine. I was receiving 9 sessions of physical therapy for my arm (for overstraining on Nautilus Equipment), and there were three times when my tinnitus was relatively quiet and then spiked so brutally that I nearly begged to cancel a session.

During such instances, in my visual imagination I recall tinnitus as being akin to Jack Nicholson in "The Shining".

Everyone remembers how, without warning he exploded onto the screen in full psycho-dementedness with the shout, "HERE'S JOHNNY."

Tinnitus is a malevolent actor who, just when you get comfortable, announces "I'M BACK."

 

Folks, before taking any final decision, please try stem cells. A long shot, sure... But it ain't like it's gonna cost you anything anyways.

My two cents.

 

Just $25k, so yeah nothing lol.

 

Point is: if option is either stem cells for $25k or suicide, you should take a loan (if you can't otherwise afford) and try the stem cells before suiciding. If they work, you can get your life back and repay the loan, or if they don't and you then commit suicide, the loan won't follow you to the grave.

Always try everything before suicide card is used.

 

Sure, but my point is, in case anyone is thinking of ending things, and sadly we've had people who did end things, what prevents them from taking out a loan and pay for the stem cells? They won't have to pay it back anyways.

By the way, it's not that expensive, in some places like Mexico you can get an infusion for $3k.

 

Just going through a setback which put me back to almost square one after months of improvement and finally going to go to Bangkok for this stem cell treatment.

I am extremely lucky to be in a position to be able to try it.

I just hope it helps this pain hyperacusis. I'm very confident I will be able to habituate to my tinnitus as long as it doesn't get drastically worse.

Really got massively depressed again thinking about how fragile my hearing is now but recovering mentally more quickly this time.

 

Stem cell IV worth a try?

I'm at the end of my rope. About to try intratympanic Dexamethasone shots on Monday even though the worsening happened on April 26th. I cannot live with this electrical hell with loudness hyperacusis and reactive tinnitus. Everything is attacking me and there is no quiet place to go unless I buy a sound booth. I dunno what else to try. I'm all outta hope. Parents and doctors pushing me to hospital, then psych ward and on benzos after my tinnitus became reactive was the worst thing to happen to me. I might have been healing by now and sleeping naturally. Just a tragedy of errors from my mom pushing me to get the COVID-19 vaccine, to my good friend dying last year to me not changing my life style completely once I heard tinnitus in quiet. Wish I had found Tinnitus Talk then and read the stories. It could have saved my life by not ever going to a doctor and being put on ototoxic meds. Fuck my life. I've been the nicest guy to the whole world and this is my fate.

 

Hey man, I'm really sorry to read what you're going through, tinnitus and hyperacusis are a totally unheard of realm of torture.

I will be frank with you, stem cells are no guarantee, but when a person is thinking about committing suicide, they sure should be given a chance. There was a thread here about a member who underwent this type of treatment in Bangkok and he claimed it worked to some extent in reducing tinnitus.

I wish you good luck with the intratympanic Dexamethasone. It sure worked for some people and I wish it does for you pal.

 

Right there with you bro. My life is ruined because of this reactive tinnitus. I wish I could go back to when it was mild tinnitus. I wish I never got the COVID-19 vaccine in the first place. I’m only 25. No medicine, no treatment to help. Pure hell.

 

Now everyday, every minute and every second is torture. I love you all so much. Wish we had something coming to help.

 

Love you too man. Yeah no comfort at all, at any point of the day. Why is this even a thing.

 

I love you guys even more man, we don't deserve this If I could just turn back time, I would break every single headphone in my proximity. I never even thought tinnitus was real, how could such a thing exist. Please Dr. Susan Shore, OTO-413, Hough Ear Institute, SPI-1005 or anyone please.

I'm getting older too.

 

Setbacks really can be massively depressing. Not even sure what caused mine tbh. It was maybe a combination of listening to music a little too loud, dogs barking and driving without earplugs. I even have a new pain in my previously no pain ear which is pretty annoying/worrying.

Need to try some regenerative treatment badly. Seems like it's the only good treatment for moderate/severe cases.

 

Let me know what you try or what there is available. I'm desperate.

 

I'm probably going to go with StemCells 21. I'll do the Anova one too if they let me. It's the one @Tau did in another thread. It's exosomes. He said his hyperacusis and migraines are gone already, obviously might not really be the reason but seems likely.

I might go for the treatment that @scotty03874 got done, the PRP. I just don't like the idea of the intratympanic injections so much even though it's probably fine.

I found these too: https://conciergemdla.com/. Sent them a mail. I live in the EU so would have to fly over to the United States to get this. Thinking maybe exosomes are better than stem cells since they can pass the blood brain barrier but I honestly don't have a clue. Their rates are kinda the same as StemCells21 although StemCells21 do PRP, oxygen, LLLT and other IV nutrients too.

I really think that stem cells are the best current available treatment right now. Depending on your case though. There is a lot of scientific evidence that shows they do help with hearing loss. It's just extremely expensive and the method of delivery varies a lot too.

 

Not doing well, dunno what to do anymore. I have been backed into a corner completely and poisoned all around my entire life in so many ways. Can't believe this shit. I am too kind for this world. Shoulda ran to the woods many years ago.

 

You get the ear steroid shots yet?

 

Yeah. No relief. Too far outta window. If the damn doctors would have offered it at start... I don't understand why all the specialists I saw within the first month didn't offer it. I said I had acoustic damage. High pitched. Oh you got normal hearing. Fuck, these shots coulda saved me this life time of pain and the snowball effect of the serious damage. There needs to be more awareness with ENTs and Otolaryngologists that they can help tinnitus from loud noises. Even if the hearing test is normal. My high pitches are rocked.

Do multiple Dexamethasone shots have more chance of silencing tinnitus this late in damage? I gotta survive.

Wish I could try StemCells21.

Let's gooo.

 

I think they are all conditioned to tell anyone with tinnitus "It can't be cured, there's no way to fix it, suck it up and learn to live with it."

At least you were able to get an appointment with an ENT. Soonest I was able to book mine was over a month out, and that was with an audiologist, then PA, not an actual ENT, even though I specifically requested an ENT. After seeing the PA I said I wanted to see an ENT and they finally relented and gave me an appointment two months out.

You'd think by now they would understand that certain kinds of trauma-induced tinnitus can be helped if treated immediately but they either don't know or don't care.

I don't think mine could have been cured even if treated early because it's a result of cumulative acoustic traumas and abuse due to playing guitar in loud bands for 30+ years, in addition to two acute traumas recently which is what caused the, as of now, permanent spike that has been driving me nuts for the last couple of months.

But still, they could have at least tried. Now I'm sure my upcoming ENT appointment is going to end just like everyone else's... "sorry, no cure, deal with it... here's some Klonopin..." The PA told me the ENT might not even give me a Clonazepam prescription. If that's the case, it will have been a monumental waste of time and I'll have to go doctor shopping.

 

Yeah I am on my last leg here my friends. I am sorry. It's getting so bad I don't think I can go on much longer. The tinnitus is just too reactive and hyperacusis too sensitive. I've had too much damage. The Clonazepam doctors and mom pushed me on only made me worse. My only choice is to take more Clonazepam. It's ringing so loud, too loud to comprehend. Love y'all.

 

Can you tolerate people talking? What kind of things set you off?

My tinnitus is also very loud. Lots of tones, a cacophony of noise.

 

Like after dealing with this level of ringing, I would scoff at the tinnitus I was worried about at the start of January. I would feel cured, even though at the time I was distressed by it and it was very loud and audible over most things, but I could still do everything normal. That's where I screwed up. I can't believe this. I am so strong only to be brought down by ears! WTF. Insanity how this shit has no limit.

Everything sets it off it seems, it now starts off at a deathly level and then by the end of the day it's completely unbearable. It seems there is so much damage done there is absolutely no stability. Even with earmuffs on, cars driving by out front amp it up. My sound tolerance is zero. I have an amazing life and want to live so bad. My family keeps blaming depression, but it's definitely damage done. I am completely lost on how to survive this, even getting in a sound booth, I feel I'd be tortured for the rest of my life.

 

Really losing my shit lately. No home (staying with my mom now), almost out of savings (which I had carefully built up into 6 figures over the years), and now a spike like I've never experienced. I'm supposed to be looking for a job right now as it's into emergency territory but I cannot function. Once I run out of money I think I'm done trying anymore.

 

What triggered the spike?

 

I'm not very far behind you bro.