Suicidal

Mine was like that for a couple of months.. damm near drove me insane. It's getting better very very slowly, now I only hear a hiss and that beep beep bepp blop beep (I can only hear the beep now with my fingers plugging my ears) I used to be able to hear it echo out of my ears..

 

Sorry for the late reply, but I didn’t receive a notification.

I know you’re in Canada, Pete, and I know there are similarities between your healthcare and ours in the UK. That’s why I asked if you’d ever looked at going to see someone privately. I looked online and there are private clinics in Canada. As for changing your GP, it’s the same in the UK; you have to go to a practice accepting new patients but over here that’s really easy to do. There are loads of practices to choose from and most of them accept new patients. If you’re not happy with your current GP I implore you to ask around for a good one and then join their practice instead. When I say go private, I mean find a specialist (consultant) who will sit and listen to you properly. This could be a psychiatrist, neurologist, ENT, etc, depending on what you want to get out of your appointment. If you are truly suicidal, it’s probably best going down the psychiatrist route. I’m not a big fan of drugs, but I’d take benzos over suicide any day. Death is absolute and you can’t come back from it.

You mentioned somewhere that you don’t think I believe you when you say how loud your tinnitus is, but I could ask you the same thing? The fact you said this suggests that maybe you think mine is mild? My brain has a constant dentist drill whine that cuts through pretty much everything. I can stand by the side of a busy road and still hear it clearly. For me, the only thing road noise like that would mask is my ear tones and some of the hissing sounds. When I’m in a moderately noisy/everyday type environment, my head is a total cacophony of noise. At night time my head is quite literally screaming. So in answer to your question, damn right I believe you, and I sincerely care. I mean that.

You don’t need to wear earplugs everywhere you go, either. Depriving your auditory system of even more input is really bad news for tinnitus and you can read further into this if you look through some of the academic literature. Earplugs are only required if you are in a dangerously loud environment for an extended period of time, and/or if you’re using power tools or machinery that can hit dangerous levels. That’s it. There’s no need to walk around in earplugs all the time as this will lead to other problems.

If you can find a way of getting out of your own headspace on a regular basis then you will start to feel better. But even if you do manage this, it still takes a lot of time and patience. For me personally, I found the worst thing was sitting at home ruminating and obsessing. I would read this forum way too much and by doing that I was subconsciously taking on everyone else’s anxiety and baggage. I began to improve once I started getting actively involved with life again. Our brains need hobbies and stuff to do to keep us motivated. I know when you’re suicidal this shit seems impossible, but you have to try and find the strength from somewhere, or get medical help as a last resort to help give you that strength.

Try taking up chess or something that requires deep tactical thinking. One thing I’ve found is that you cannot fully focus on the noise and think at a deep and profound level at the same time. The mind has to prioritise one thing over another. For example, when my chest problems returned (long story) my tinnitus took a massive back seat. My brain was like “fuck tinnitus. This new problem is destroying me on another level”, and as a result, quite paradoxically, I desperately wanted to go back to being tormented by my tinnitus again. It was quite a remarkable feeling. I’m not going to name anyone here as I don’t want to be disrespectful, but the same was true of a member here when a family member of theirs committed suicide. The member in question said that tinnitus suddenly wasn’t an issue anymore and that the grief just crushed it. What I’m saying is that we focus intently on whatever is hurting us most. Another long-term severe sufferer here called Telis also experienced something similar to this and you can read more about his tragic story here:

https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...-to-make-my-tinnitus-worse.36372/#post-474805

If you were suddenly awoken in a burning building and you were upstairs, I can guarantee you that the only thing you’d focus on is escaping so that you didn’t burn to death. Your tinnitus would go so far to the back of the queue - in terms of priorities - that you wouldn’t even hear it.

These are obviously extreme examples. However, a GOOD hobby that deeply interests you can slowly pull your mind elsewhere. SLOWLY. For this to happen all rumination has to stop and so does reading about tinnitus 24/7. Become obsessed with the hobby instead. This works even better if you’re working towards a goal that means something quite profound to you.

The caveat here is that none of this is easy (especially when you’re depressed). But the easy option of doing nothing only leads to further misery.

Don’t forget that your tinnitus could still fade over time and you could also try an anti-inflammatory diet or something like Lenire. Even if your tinnitus doesn’t fade, you can still try and numb your response to it as the years pass.

Anyway, I truly hope you find a solution that works for you, Pete.

 

It would be weird to suggest that you get a job if I didn't work. I do. It's hard and it sucks but I have a family to support.
My family and the hope for a cure is what keeps me going.

Good. Was just trying to help, y'know.

 

And if all else fails you can just keep waking up and putting one foot in front of the other, day after day, I write through a shrieking soundscape of metallic barely-sub-ultrasonic "angels" singing

at my worst I found it much easier than normal to do volunteer activities, because the idea that I was living my life for my own sake seemed like a sick, hollow joke -- but my reality testing was still intact enough that I realized others, who could not hear the insane choir I bring around with me, could still benefit from my activities.

There are old people in homes and stuff who benefit greatly from any kind of human contact and it's generally not hard to find someone / some nursing home that needs help.

There are neurological reasons to think that such activities, done mindfully to cultivate deliberate empathy is directly useful in chronic pain conditions, as far as what the net effect on CNS wiring and amygdala function is over a period of time. So, you're probably helping yourself, but if you just forget that for a minute and focus on other people you might have moments where your tinnitus is less front and center. For instance, if you're talking to someone who's been unable to piss on their own or without significant pain for years, but is still gleefully attacking every additional day they are given.

 

I’ve mentioned helping others as a form of therapy on here many times in past. I agree with you 100%. I’ve done more charity work since acquiring severe tinnitus than possibly the rest of my life combined. I’ve always donated to charities but I’ve never taken it further than that. I’ve found myself more empathetic and more likely to organise a charity event, or get get involved with one, because of all my health problems.

Giving back really does help replenish the soul.

If I see a homeless person out on the street and in the cold, I’ll often buy them some food and a drink.

 

@Ed209 and @linearb

This forum and its members are very fortunate to have both of you on board. Two great posts for @PeteJ to read.

 

Well we are still walking and talking. I just look at it like, what choice do I have... what options do I have.
None... so I can either be balled up in a fetal position wondering what if and why me... or try to get productive stuff done. Sure it sucks.

I woke up and couldn’t hear anything the tinnitus was so loud...

Who knows... what can I do about it... not a thing.

 

My Dad is in a long term care home and I can't visit much since there is always something loud that bothers me (my ears etc.). For e.g. he's often in front of the floor TV and I find it too loud. Monitoring machines make a loud repetitive beeping sound. I get depressed because these sounds should be fine, well, for normal people. I try not to think about it.

But, yeah, I am not 'listened to' here by some people but I am used to it by now.

 

Specialists take months to years to see here. I have said this before. In fact, I am still waiting on a psychiatrist referral since February or so. I am not expecting to get anything "out of it" regardless of which health professional I see. It would be better if they had experience with tinnitus patients but that will be rare and it might only somewhat help if the patient had bad tinnitus too.

My physician won't prescribe a benzo and I kinda concluded it probably won't help. I would guess over 90% on here aren't helped or not helped enough and are struggling to get off them. I don't have a firm opinion on them, though. I just got discouraged about everything so I gave up trying to get one.

I would like a narcotic for my ear pain but I can't get that either. Not sure what I am supposed to say. I explained all these problems before. Finding an understanding new doctor is a crapshoot and I already started a disability application with the current doctor.

I need the tinnitus volume lowered and the ear pain to go away and no doctor, no specialist can do that. No current treatment will do that. That is all I want. I don't want to go on if I can't achieve these things. This isn't a life.

 

Pete, you're in Toronto, aren't you?

Have you gone to the Canadian Hearing Society near Casa Loma? They offer cheap TRT and are booking into next month. No referral required.

Certainly there are other resources in Toronto as well. Happy to direct you to some of the best I've found, if you stop calling me annoying and threatening to block me.

 

Narcotics are universally considered potentially ototoxic substances; poppy alkaloids and their derivatives likely through some direct toxicity, and then the weird synthetics may carry that risk and any of these things can potentially cause ischemia.

Many people report "fuzzy ears" and generally altered (diminished) hearing with opium alkaloids. The "Screwed & Chopped" style of music arose to sort of emulate the kind of hearing you have on codeine + prometh syrup. Notably, genre pioneer DJ Screw died of an overdose so we will never know if he was destined for terrible hearing degradation.

 

I understand Bartoli.

I didn't really know that wind noise on a bike would be a problem. But you're right that it certainly can be for motorcyclists. That's quite a different level of wind resistance though, at 75mph, than what you would encounter on a bike.

I also agree: I personally think the thud/thud of the tires on the ground may be worse with plugs in, than without.

If it were me, I'd *probably* stick with trying to reduce the wind resistance, but perhaps lose the plugs that lead to occlusion of the thud/thud. But I'm hardly a professional here; just offering my thoughts.

One place where I'm a bit more of a professional though is with anxiety. And so it doesn't surprise me to hear you say that the anxiety is partially responsible for you not coping so well presently. I know it as a psychologist, and I also know it as a tinnitus sufferer: the concern of it getting worse is a bigger problem even than the present symptoms. Indeed, so many people on this forum say something akin to "if only I knew it wouldn't get worse, I could live with the terrible sounds I already have". That's completely an anxiety statement, and it indicates that it's the anxiety, rather than the symptoms, that have to be brought under control.

That doesn't necessarily make it better. But *knowing* that what's really holding you back is anxiety of future symptoms, rather than the present symptoms themself, can itself be important for getting things back on track. Do you have strategies for reducing your anxiety? Do you work on them regularly?

Also, what about driving to work instead? Not an option?

 

As slight humour Bartoli, the attached picture is now what I assume you are wearing to work.

 

No. I'm not in Toronto.

 

Pete, have you asked if they can turn the TV down whilst you visit your dad? Explain that you have an ear condition and I’m sure they’ll accommodate you. Do you have hyperacusis? It’s doubtful that the TV is at a damaging volume, but if it’s a problem then you need to tell someone. I have a feeling that you bottle everything up and don’t talk to people in the real world about what your problems are. Was you explicit with your GP that you were suicidal? A GP can’t take the correct course of action unless he really knows what you’re going through.

Is there no private option at all in Ontario? Surely a private Dr doesn’t take a year? The NHS is similar here in terms of waiting times.

I had a look on google and discovered you have walk-in clinics in Canada just like we have in the UK. No registration is required and you can go anytime you want. Have you been to one?

Here’s a website that will give you the locations of all the walk-ins in your area:

https://on.skipthewaitingroom.com/

My advice, if you go to one, is to be totally and utterly honest and open. Tell them the same things you tell us.

 

I'll take Pete's side on this one: private health care in Canada *is* starting to exist, but it's expensive and I'd doubt that Pete is in a position to afford it (no judgment Pete, just following your own previous sentiments). Moreover, there would be little tinnitus support in the private system, as it's still developing here - mostly for specialists you get bumped back into the public system. And the walk-in clinics in Canada are useless, unless you have a sore throat or a boo boo on your finger. You will get no tinnitus support there. Their only purpose is to cure minor ailment and refer to specialists. And specialists do take time here if your illness isn't considered time sensitive. That said, ENTs are lower-rung specialists, and do not take that long. Maybe 1 month max.

Indeed, this is exactly what I did: I went to a walk-in clinic because I knew I needed a referral to an ENT, the clinic made me that referral, and I actually got in to see an ENT within 2 weeks.

Now, sadly, that ENT was completely useless, and didn't help in the least. But he did say that if I didn't like his "learn to live with it" advice, then I could contact the Canadian Hearing Society, who offers inexpensive TRT. Plus, he at least did a full go-over my auditory system, said I have nothing else seriously wrong with me. So I got a bit of peace of mind, and I also learned where the next-step resources were, should I need them. I haven't yet gone the next step to sign up with CHS - I'm not [yet] suffering mentally the way some on here are, so am currently trying to work through it all myself. But at least I know where these resources are, should I need them.

So I guess I'm on Pete's side re the reality of health care here; but I also agree with everyone else re the more basic point that some proactivity searching for help would be wise.

 

@PeteJ, have you seen an ENT yet?

I hope you manage to resolve your ear pain and I hope your tinnitus either fades or you finally become accustomed to it. Life can be hard at times, and I think it can sometimes come as a huge shock if you’ve never had any serious health issues before. It can be really unsettling.

Do you have any friends or family that can assist you with all this in the real world? You need someone by your side.

 

I thought Canada was the best country in regard to quality of life and all that? That said, I don't suppose private health care has loads to do with quality of life.

 

I saw an ENT months ago and I posted on this already. He was useless so the experience was the same as most on here. I waited OVER THREE months to see this guy. What do you expect an ENT to do, anyway? I suspect 99% don't help people or at least that's applicable to people who have severe tinnitus or noise induced tinnitus (and some level of hearing loss). Even the secretary that works at the front conceded that he probably won't be able to help!

I finally agree with something Matt posted. My question is has the Canadian Hearing Society helped anyone here who has severe tinnitus?

Has any hearing organization? There are a few others here posting that they want to off themselves? Are you going to advise them to contact those organizations too? Has any helped them? I hope you realize where I am going with this.

Free TRT? Hmmm...1) where? How? Doesn't sound believable and 2) I don't see how that helps.

Some people claim that hearing aids help. Some people say it didn't help because of hyperacusis problems?

I think the cheapest ones have some coverage so might be willing to try if I don't need to pay for it.

I think they are longshots though.

I think I am fucked. Sorry. I wish there was a way to get relief and improvement, obviously. I really do.

No, I don't have any family who can help.

 

@MattS,
The wait times are shorter if you live in Toronto.

I don't know why there's such an insistence on 'searching for help."

I don't know what the law is for treating someone who enters a doctor's office and says that they want to off themselves but there is no good treatment for tinnitus let alone severe tinnitus. That's why there are a lot of upset people posting in the other sections.

 

I think the important thing is to try to remain proactive. Like LinearB said, just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. As a last resort, benzos could help reduce your anxiety which is likely one of the driving forces behind a lot of your problems. I know you say you can’t get them, but if you’re suicidal I can’t see why a Dr would stop you when they are a known “treatment” for severe tinnitus. At least until you get over the initial shock of everything.

There’s no perfect solution, unfortunately. We can only try and help each other out on here via the power of words. I wish there was a magic wand we could wave that would just make all your problems disappear, but there isn’t. We can only really share our experiences to provide you with some hope.

 

We're one of the top, though I think the Scandinavian countries always get top spots, with us and Australia in around the 2nd best levels.

Ironically, I would say it's actually our public health system that increases that quality of life rating. This is a political debate one could have till they're blue in the face, but the public health system means that everyone, no matter how much money you have, can get "pretty good" care. That sucks for the 15% of people that could afford better than "pretty good" care, because that's not really possible here. But it certainly helps the other 85%. Whether you believe it's better/worse than other systems probably depends on which economic demographic you fall in.

 

Woohoo!

*High fives self*

If you'll allow the feedback Pete, I'd suggest that this may be the wrong question. That's different than saying your wrong, so please don't bottle up immediately and put me on ignore. Just hear me out.

You may be absolutely right: CHS or any other agency may be unable to help you. They may try and fail. They may even be a complete joke, laughable in their ridiculous attempts at TRT-based distraction of our symptoms. Certainly they're unlikely to help entirely - indeed, I don't even think they make such claims. So you're not wrong: nobody can take this away completely.

But there also is some evidence, anecdotal and scientific, to support the use of TRT/CBT based treatment programs. And so while they are unlikely to just make your symptoms disappear, it's very very possible that they can help take the edge off a bit. And I think you'd be willing to admit that that would make a huge difference, if something could do that.

And so, totally honestly, not trying to jab into you at all: I sense a bit of a defeatist attitude in you that is probably not helpful. It's leading you to reflexively discount other's advice and official treatment opportunities, without really giving them a fair shake. Will they ultimately be worthless? Maybe. But you're discounting them so quickly and automatically that they're not even given a chance.

If you can find a way to open your mind a bit more to the *possibility* that things could get better, that something could help, you may just find that something can.

Sorry if you interpret this as annoying as everything else I write. And your welcome for continuing to offer you advice anyway.

 

Are you still on medication, @vermillion?

Why you can't sleep, @vermillion?

 

Tinnitus is too loud. I am going to try the suicide site again soon.

I think people forget people who said it was loud offed themselves. There are media articles about it.

 

It lowered a tiny bit last night and I went to sleep early for once - around 10:30 pm.

It's almost 11 and the ****ing tinnitus is screaming. I feel like I am the only one or one of few. I hate wearing ear plugs because it's like someone is torturing me. It's hard to explain. I believe my left ear is starting to feel pain from the plug too. But, the ringing is so damn loud, I don't think it is worth going on. I have no enjoyment in anything and the loud ringing doesn't let me do anything. It's just too intrusive and the pitch of the tones is too high. I don't want to live anymore. I want to be done.

 

My new noise combined with my high pitched noise were literally intolerable last night. So incredibly intense. I went to bed at 9 last night and couldn't focus through it like I normally would (I can do that when its not at the severe level it was last night).

I think the time is coming when I must seriously consider VAD and discuss it with my wife. I cannot live like this. Its unimaginable punishment and torment. My heart will give out with the strain.

 

Hey everyone...I’m trying to hold in here. I know I have a few years left in me but I’ve since discovered (after trying to listen to more music) that what I thought was severe reactive tinnitus is actually severe frequency distortion probably within the 100-2k hz range. I think only one of the whistles is reactive and even then it might still just be frequency distortion. That one is really fucking annoying and I’d be elated to be rid of it since it rides everything.

Speech and high frequency sounds still sound completely normal, so I doubt there’s little if any damage up there. When I do a sweep test the distortion is especially prominent between 1-1.5k.

Apparently right at onset I listened to the same song over and over (because I found that particular song very comforting) and now I’m realizing it didn’t have any of my distorted frequencies inside of it. So I thought all music by default was still fine.

But I’ve been branching out listening to all of my old music and I would say 90% of it sounds completely wrong, and it’s always the same damn note (or couple of notes) that sound horrible. I don’t know which note it is exactly but it’s probably part of a common chord. I’ll find an odd song here and there that’s completely normal but then the spiral begins again knowing it’s only a small handful. I confirmed this when listening to Hey Brother by avicii and at the first chorus where you should hear this large deep rich swell of a note I heard a glassy hollow, echo resonance tone swell instead, not reacting to the correct tone, but completely in place of it....swelling exactly where it should be. Now all the white noise type overlays inside of traffic, road noise, fans, AC, toilet flushing makes sense...several of the low frequency distortion in broadband noise are completely screwing with the sound...

And just all these little reminders throughout the day...a call dropped for me and instead of hearing a clear “beep beep beep”, it was a “rrr rrr rrr” instead. Almost broke down.

I’m just so scared. I’m scared nothing will help me. I’m only 28. I can deal with my tinnitus - it’s somewhat loud - id put it at moderate (probably takes 65-75 dbs to mask), but it pales in comparison to the distortion and loss of music/environmental ambiance. I’m worried I’ll be left behind to languish as others begin to see improvement, probably even near complete alleviation of their tinnitus from the drugs/devices that are coming on the market in the next 5 years...and here I’ll be...possibly with no tinnitus (which night not even happen...) but no more joy because I can’t hear the world properly.

I try to remain positive and post in the research threads, and I have so much confidence that a majority of people on these forums will be tinnitus free or tinnitus reduced in the upcoming years. And then I think about my case...and the distortion...and I just start to feel this deep unyielding sadness. It’s not even anxiety, it’s just horrid resignation.

I mostly sit in my quiet bedroom with crickets playing to cover my normal T and a light jazz coffee shop sound soundtrack that I have on loop with little to no distortion to mimic some sense of normalcy, but I can’t bear to watch TV/YouTube because every time there’s background music if it hits those distorted frequencies, it becomes unbearable.

The last few days I’ve been trying to get down to the ocean in the early morning when the waves are very quiet and the distortion can be somewhat ignored and walk around, but it doesn’t do much for me once I get back into the car, and start hearing the distortion in the road noise once again.

I’ve lost everything. My ears. My job. My joy. My life. My days just seem to drift by. I keep saying hold in there, you’ll be helped. They can fix this. Maybe not 100% but enough to get you back on your feet. To hear music somewhat normally again, to hear the environment somewhat normally again. But it’s so.fucking. hard.

 

This is really familiar & I feel the same way, everyday. And it is indeed incredibly fucking hard and exhausting. For me, it's not so much the distortion, but my complete inability to hear sounds without severe pain lingering for days, if not longer. There's nothing to do about it at the moment, which is really disheartening. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I really wish things were differently for all of us. I will remain wishful, I hope you can too.

 

There's no good country anymore.

Canada and others have turned to shit. Don't trust those lying sources that conclude that Canada or any other is high quality of life. Once you have a serious health issue, you are neglected and the country practices favoritism.