Suicidal

You are the one who replied to me. You wanted this discussion. When I was younger, I was depressed every day and I thought of walking in front of a moving car.

This year and last year, I had the same argument with someone with serious depression who is on long term disability and she got offended. She doesn't have severe tinnitus so she will never understand. I mean what I say, 100%. If you are that offended, then you are insinuating that you don't think my tinnitus is so bad but, I am not offended because I know what I am talking about. There's a few sufferers here who are both depressed and have severe tinnitus. It's a double whammy that someone who has just depression doesn't have. Both are serious but the reason it's comparable is the added torment of tinnitus. There are many medications to address depression and none that address or reduce tinnitus (only other symptoms like depression, ironically).

 

Dan says it's a good point and I have to agree. Some people think it is minimizing the impact of depression to compare it to severe tinnitus but it's not true. Severe tinnitus and severe depression often go together. Tinnitus is an added torment and is often the contributing factor to that person's depression. So, it can be untreatable.

I know people with serious depression and they manage and cope by taking medications. But, there is no med or drug specifically for reducing the severity of tinnitus. If the tinnitus doesn't fluctuate or reduce on its own, you are screwed. Everyone will just tell you "you will learn to live with it." That's all you will get.

 

Hi Dan. It says you have had tinnitus for 9 years now. You still haven’t gotten used to it (because it is too loud), or has it gotten worse recently?

 

I understand your pain and will repeat that my head screams with various tones and sounds, daily. I have never insinuated that your tinnitus is not so bad, and never would, but I get the impression from your replies that you believe I don’t understand what it’s like to have a screaming head full of noise - like maybe my tinnitus is mild? That is fine, and I don’t take it personally as I know you’re just venting and you’re under an incredible amount of stress. We can say and do all kinds of things when we are desperate.

It’s just that when I see you comparing tinnitus to depression, as you do, it annoys me on a personal level, and I’ll be honest about it. My life has been deeply affected by serious depression and what you say in regards to it can sometimes come across as flippant and demeaning, and I think it’s a bit selfish. Even at my worst, when I’ve been consumed by unrelenting pain and misery, I would never compare my suffering to that of others.

I’ve had to scrape my screaming mother off the floor - with blood pouring out of her lacerated legs - whilst she lay in a pool of vomit with a bottle of empty pills next to her, not knowing if she was going to make it as we rushed to the hospital. My wife has had sleepless nights wondering whether her cousin will succeed with his next suicide attempt. And as you already know, my friends' dad drank industrial chemicals in an attempt to escape his severe depression. I’ve seen real depression up close and it’s very ugly, and the medication they hand out rarely works longterm. It tends to work for a bit but it never lasts. Most people go on a merry-go-round of drugs, but if the underlying problem is not resolved, then they only mask it temporarily. It’s clear that my mom is beyond help, so in her case, there really is no treatment and this can be true for many out there which is likely why the suicide rates are so high.

As a direct comparison, tinnitus can be treated with benzos, but they don’t actually fix the cause of the problem, either, they just mask the fallout.

I sincerely wish you well, but I do wish you’d stop comparing your problems with other people’s. It’s not going to help you, and as Fishbone said, you cannot comment on what others face until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Focus on improving yourself and don’t worry about who is in the worst position as this kind of mindset will just consume you.

If you ever need someone to talk to you can PM me any time.

 

The problem we have is lack of being taken seriously and real treatment options & clinging to hope something is around the corner. In regards to TRT, I don't think clinicians follow the proper protocol, they just program broadband color noise in 3 grand plus hearing aids WITH THE HEARING AID portion turned off no less in my case on 2 occasions and good luck to you. I know it has helped some, but like with Lenire and other options it only helps so many. With the expense being out of pocket.

I am not at the point of offing myself but let's say I would be diagnosed with late stage cancer I would let nature take its course...

 

You and I come from different walks of life.

I respect people and DON'T insult them no matter how good or bad I feel.

 

Feeling absolutely terrible today. Maybe I should get on anti depressants after all

 

They are helping my mother in law. She needed them after my father in law suffered a severe stroke last year. I don't think I am at that point and there is a chance they could increase tinnitus.

 

I am sorry about in laws
I’m worried about making my T worse too

My head feels like it’s full of pressure today, the ear popping is SO irritating

Sounds like when someone pulls out a cork from a wine bottle each time I swallow

 

It's good to be cautious since meds are one of the causes of getting tinnitus. Perhaps research the type and brand offered. Sorry it's so hard for you. I get more ear pain since trying WNG's

 

I don't think I can explain it any better. But, you continue to ignore me so...

I know how bad depression is on its own. But, you are reacting in a way that I don't mean to belittle it but I think having depression and severe tinnitus on top of that is worse because it's untreatable.

Benzos? Yeah, right. I was denied benzos and only a few here seem to do well on them. Even if 100% say they are great, my dr won't prescribe them.

 

You obviously don't care what you post then.

You didn't understand my point or didn't care. FOUR readers of my post apparently did.

I didn't mean to sound insulting. But, you made it sound like I am not empathetic of someone else with depression despite my assurances that not only have I had it myself but I know people who have been depressed and others who still are (and some who are always on ADs).

I am just saying 'take those people ' and NOW ADD SEVERE Tinnitus to that. Tinnitus makes it near impossible to treat depression and it should be obvious why: A) the depression is caused by the tinnitus &...B) there is always a worry that a drug/med will worsen the tinnitus.

With lack of a better explanation/phrase: you can't win.

I am also talking about the most severe tinnitus - feeling suicidal from it all the time which is also an abnormal feeling and state to be in.

 

@Ed209, P.S. I do feel empathy for what you deal with but I don't understand why you don't understand my reasoning. I am not trying to belittle or be insulting. My mother is gone but earlier in my life I dealt with her alcoholism and I suspect a lot of it was from depression. She didn't self harm but I had to clean up after her and called ambulances many times.

Eventually, she recovered and credited me for helping her. That's all in the past and I have little family now. If you want to feel like that is why I think this or that since I seem really insensitive to some people, do so.

 

Your reaction to WNG sound/feels quite familiar... that sucks... sorry you are experiencing this reaction.

 

I've gotten used to it after 6 years and had a pretty good run for about 3 years, but I've suffered additional acoustic trauma back in October, and it has gotten worse.
That's why I say to people it is possible to get used to severe tinnitus - the kind you hear everywhere.

And yes, tinnitus can get worse endlessly.

A good friend of mine on this forum, with very severe tinnitus as of late has the same worsening of severe tinnitus - made an ironic remark - "Ah so this is why I didn't off myself before..." I find this observation very true.

You suffer badly and never think you'd get used to it, until you do and then it gets worse and then you realize why you survived the last time. Tinnitus is very sadistic, if there is a devil, tinnitus is a good comparison.

 

I am really sorry to hear that. I am just one year in, started with mild tinnitus but continuous noise exposure has made it moderate. So I know it will keep on getting worse (also have hyperacusis, and it's easier that way to get worse). Would you mind sharing what the acoustic trauma was? And how you're holding up now? Hope a bit better.

 

Two days ago I was adjusting a new pair of muffs and they made a loud 1 second burst into one ear... like a deep loud thud.

That was enough to give me this terrible worsening over already worsened tinnitus... both ears blaring high pitched hissy and pure tones...it just keeps getting worse and worse... and worse.
20dB tinnitus people think its end of the world... try 60dB+ tinnitus on for size, and not just 1 sound but a haze of blaring notes.Yes, if it keeps getting worse, then that's a very bad sign... especially with hyperacusis.

 

Oh my. And I keep hitting my earmuffs. This shit scares me beyond anything! And what was the event in October?

 

@PeteJ
Pete I have been following this thread for some time now and am very sorry for what your going through.
Tell us how we can help you? Many people here have tried giving you advice but obviously it hasn't worked.
This is a community that helps each other so I would like to know how we can help you?

 

I don't think they work for everybody. I think you mentioned Dr Nagler mentioned this before. I interacted with him before elsewhere. Where everybody miraculously habituates in no time!

Having said that I still try them intermittently, hoping it may be a slow build up.

 

Unexpected very loud music.

This shit is cumulative, accidents happen it keeps adding up over the years/decades and one day you reach insurmountable tinnitus levels. My advice would be move away from civilization, become a trapper and all you have for a weapon is a bow and a commando knife. Run while you still can!!!!!

Tinnitus & Hyperacusis city wont happen.

 

I am a disabled person with cerebral palsy. I have had tinnitus since November 2018, and in February 2019 there was a huge deterioration that continues to this day. This state has long since crossed the borders of all insanity. I do not know why I am still alive, but I promised my wife that I would last at least 2 years, or another year. I do not believe that there will be any breakthrough in treatment in the coming years.

 

It just keeps getting worse for me. I spent the entire weekend in bed because I have no energy to socialize.

The back of my neck, like where my hair begins and the back of my skull are staring to feel like I’m laying on a bed of golf balls. The entire back of my head starting with the base of my skull up to my forehead was also pulsating, like I was laying on my back and it was unbearable.

Each night this weekend I woke up feeling like my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I’ve also developed pulsatile Tinnitus in both ears - probably as a result of stress and strain on my neck. It’s terrible. I can’t sleep comfortably anymore and not to mention my upstairs neighbors kept me up until 2am last night so I had to resort to putting on ear plugs and my ears literally felt like they were constricting around the plugs and slightly sucking them in and out!! Could this be related to the pulsatile T? I would close my eyes and it would feel like it was pulling on my ears even more.

Plus I feel like something in my ears spazzes out every few minutes. Kind of like when your eye twitches but in your ear. It is seriously beyond the worst sensation I’ve ever experienced.

Literally felt like hell - my chest hurt so bad and I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I had nowhere else to go

When is this torture going to end.

Has anyone else experienced the same thing? Could this all be due to stress?

 

Can't it be some kind of a panic attack? The heartbeat in your ears. You seem to be going through enermous anxiety and stress.

The spazzing can be your tensor tympani muscle acting out.

 

It probably was. I fell asleep just fine but woke up around 12 from a loud pang on my ceiling from my neighbors and they kept on dropping stuff on the floor, and I could hear their entire conversation for the next few hours, from like 12Am - 3am. My entire body felt so restless and I literally felt like I was going to have a heart attack, it wasn’t just that I could hear my heart it would beat and then have a weird “off” beat

I did spend all day at home reading Tt and I’m just so worried about my ears and not getting the help I need from doctors. I’m having such a hard time coping. I considered trying to get anti anxiety medication but I don’t wanna make my T & H even worse. I’m just so exhausted and I don’t know what proper steps to take to get better. Yeah time heals but what am I supposed to do in the meantime?

I miss my old life. I really do. I’m too young for this and this stress is literally going to drive me crazy. I’m already feeling the other side effects of the stress and it’s only getting worse. I don’t know what to do I feel so lost and scared

 

Whatever you want as long as it's quiet.

 

I can’t spend my 20’s sitting at home alone. I live in a loud city, I can’t even step out of my house without it being loud. I would move back in with my parents but I’d lose my insurance coverage and going to work is the last thing helping me feel normal and sane

 

I'm sorry that you have it this bad, your strength is amazing!

 

I didn't ask for help though because there is none - it's impossible. The only help is if my tinnitus volume and intrusiveness could be lowered. But, no one can.

But, as much as I am saying that, there is no one in real life or any place I can go in which others can relate except this site. Mild tinnitus sufferers have an annoyance of noise in their ears/head but when it's worse than "mild" it ruins your life - well, it did for me. At some point, the volume and intrusiveness becomes so out of the norm and debilitating that I feel like my brain and ears are defective and severely damaged.

When people here get frustrated and angry that they claim help was offered to me and I "didn't take it" or whatever, then it seems like they can't relate or understand. But, IT'S STILL better than the real world because most don't have tinnitus at all or a form of mild tinnitus but can still function. They can't do anything for me at all and it's most frustrating to discuss this stuff with them. I hope I made sense.

 

Just wanna vent.

Having extreme pain hyperacusis with no hopes of getting better is so devastating..
Sometimes it doesn't seem real, like I'll wake up from this anytime soon, seeing the extreme cases living in isolation and totally crippled for years without a change makes me so sad...

Peace for those who ain't here anymore and good luck for us who stayed.