Would You Have Children with Pre‐Existing Tinnitus?

I had a conversation on the topic with a person close to me. The gist is: I think tinnitus and/or hyperacusis is to be taken into consideration when one wants children, because it can be very limiting for the tinnitus sufferer and it may have an effect on the family as well. I personally now think that I won't have children. Not entirely due to this condition, but it is unfortunately a factor for me, because I don't think that I would be able to be the parent I otherwise would want to be.

This is only my case, I'm not saying that parenting with tinnitus can't be done.

What do you think?

 

I personally don't know. Depends how I adapt to tinnitus over the years. Thankfully, I'm only 21 and expect to see a treatment/cure before I plan on having children.

 

Children are loud, stressful, and keep you up at night. Also, they deserve stable parents, and can't be turned off for a couple of weeks if Baby's crying spell gives Mommy a long tinnitus spike. I think that if you're not in a place where your tinnitus is stable and has been a nonissue for a long time, you're risking Hell on Earth both for yourself and for the child.

Personally I've been committed childfree for a decade now (32 male), and knowing that nobody is depending on me has been a great comfort through many sleepless tinnitus nights.

 

I have 5 kids at home currently. And no, it's not easy but you make it work. My kids actually have been tremendously understanding. Yes, life is messy and I'm having to learn how to parent under duress. But I wouldn't change a thing. My kids are my life. My family is why I can drag my ass out of bed everyday and tell tinnitus to f**k off! I mean... it doesn't... but it's nice to try. Lol.

I totally understand not wanting to start a family with this as a pre-existing condition though.

 

Having kids on a good day with all your faculties is difficult at best, but very rewarding. I am thankful I was able to care for my child as an infant and toddler without any illness. Since then I have developed rheumatoid arthritis and tinnitus. Knowing that I have people who depend on me, gets me going each day. My faith, my family, my elderly father are all motivators to be the best I can be for them.

I had a good education, job and career. I was a speaker and presenter training teachers and administrators. All those things pale in comparison to being a parent. I would think about it having the knowledge that it will be very challenging, but also very worthwhile.

 

I have had tinnitus for 10+ years.

Just had a newborn.

Wouldn't change it for the world.

 

Congratulations!

If you don't mind me asking, did you and your partner meet before or after you developed tinnitus?

 

I've had tinnitus as long as I can remember.

But it only got to the point of unbearable last year...

We had our baby on 9-17-2020.

Most days are still unbearable, and I find my self sheltering from his screams at times.

But I still wouldn't change it for the world.

If I was told tinnitus comes with fatherhood, I would still be first in line.

 

This may sound somber, so fair warning.

Generally, I'm not sure. I've had tinnitus since I was 20 and I can't help but feel it has robbed me off a few things someone in their twenties should experience. This is also difficult for me to answer because I don't even know if I really want kids as at this point in my life, I'm mostly driven on pursuing my dream career. I understand that I need to start thinking about this more carefully considering I'm heading into my mid-twenties and I don't want it to be too late.

My greatest fears are not so much the tinnitus itself. I've survived this long, so there's no reason to think that it's going to continue devastating my life, especially with prospective treatments coming along. I'm mostly worried about my kids possibly having it. If they became susceptible, I would feel horrible. Given my age, I also don't know if anyone would be understanding to deal with this part of me or would want to overlook this condition enough to want to be with me. This is just the negative perspective I have and I don't want anyone else to worry that this is something that applies to them as well. There are plenty of individuals on this forum who have tinnitus and are living happily with children.

I guess my answer would be, yes, I would like the idea if I were to finally decide on it, but T may or may not have ruined that for me, simply because I don't think anyone would want to endure this condition together with me, which I completely understand.

 

You have a great and admirable attitude to life! Good (family) relations are so important, both in good times and through darker periods of life. Raising a children is a struggle in many ways, but such a rewarding gift.

In the bad times choose to grow stronger.
In the good times choose to enjoy fully.
In all times choose to be grateful.

 

@Kriszti, you're never going to be the parent you ideally want to be, because life is imperfect and everyone makes mistakes. People who are completely debilitated by medical conditions in some cases have children who go on to have healthy, happy lives!

I wouldn't actively encourage or discourage anyone from having kids; it's an incredibly personal decision which is going to alter every part of the rest of your life, no matter how it plays out.

I will say that I was ~7 years into my worsened, spiked tinnitus when we decided to have our first child. The concept that I was never going to hear my child speak without it being set against the backdrop of tinnitus was depressing, but I had wanted kids for a long time and so the idea of giving that up because of, basically, a stupid physical defect was a lot more depressing.

So, do whatever you want, but I am one of several parents I know who have moderate to bad tinnitus, and I bet all of us would agree that tinnitus is a challenge which makes parenting more difficult, but also that it's so far from the biggest challenge of parenting for us that it stops figuring into the equation pretty past (and I'm someone who has been functionally impaired by this condition to varying degrees since 2001).

One takeaway for me from having a child: none of my own stuff seems as important anymore. That doesn't mean tinnitus isn't still painfully unpleasant -- it often is! But somehow -- it took a procedural and emotional back seat to some extent as soon as kiddo was in the picture, because common tinnitus triggers like "oh I only slept for 2 hours last night" just become a routine part of life. I thought that was going to be really difficult and traumatizing but actually that whole period passed in an insane blur and I was barely aware of my tinnitus at all for about the first 3-4 months. (This was before I was on any medication, too).

 

I have 4 kids, my baby is 2. I was on top of the world before tinnitus started 2 months ago. Life was great. Now I can't cope with life, or being a mother. I have had to put my toddler into child care because I can no longer give him what he needs. It kills me. He was so wanted, and he is so adored. Such a beautiful child but I am so depressed that I just can't sit and play with him or take him places so he is better stimulated in day care.

 

I don't have much to add except that I agree 100% with Kriszti and I have the same approach towards this as her. I wasn't sure about kids before I got tinnitus, but now that I have it, it's completely out of the picture.

 

Thank you very much everyone who shared your thoughts and experience.

Much appreciated.

 

I'm so very sorry. I was feeling the same with my 8 year old. I was homeschooling and have to send him back to school because the noise level was too much. I recently had him home for 3 days and had to homeschool again, it was hard but we did ok. We even had some really good moments with learning. I'm a little further along than you in my healing after an acoustic trauma. The hyperacusis is better, still there, but better. Hang in there, feel free to reach out if you'd like another mom to talk to.

twa

 

@Kriszti I would say this depends largely on the level of tinnitus.

When tinnitus struck me a decade ago, both of my girls were still in school. I missed a lot of school and social events due to tinnitus and that was when it was still sort of ok (compared to now). The feeling of quilt and inadequacy is truly overwhelming. Many times I was sobbing and saying I should not have had children, I’m a bad mum, my kids deserve better...

The way I am now I would not have children. Anyone debilitated by tinnitus is barely able to survive a day let alone rise a child.

Having children is not just limited to home. What about school, sports, social events, birthday parties, which are all usually very loud and not tinnitus friendly?! Children need stable parents and surroundings, not a distressed one who’s suffering and making suicide plans.

I’m very grateful that my girls are both grown up now but there’s a new problem lurking for me: grandchildren!
Will I be that grandma that kids will hate to visit because they need to be quiet and because I can’t do any fun things with them?!
I just feel that severe tinnitus is a big burden on person’s life no matter what age. Every age brings its own problems when you have tinnitus but from the current perspective, considering the level of tinnitus and mental state, I would not bring a child to this earth.

 

Take it slow. You're a great mom and your kids love you. Having the little one in daycare and having other little ones to play with, to learn songs, and do art with is a blessing.

Don't beat up on yourself, tell the kids not to scream, and hug and kiss them as much as possible.

You got this!
Daniel

 

It's hard. I really enjoyed being a father before this but I struggle badly now. I'm young and should be enjoying life and I'm stuck with this shit. I can't even work to support my family. This life is a piece of shit now.

 

I think about this. It depends on the type of tinnitus. If this is tinnitus to which one habituates I don't think it would be a problem. If it is a torturing, ever worsening tinnitus like the one I have then no, no kids, and not just because at some point you may be gone, but also because the realization that something that horrible and torturing could happen to your kids too is too much. I'm pushing through ever worsening torture every day for my kids, I feel obliged to resist but I don't know how. They deserve a functioning father.

If I had known it would get to this I probably wouldn't have had them, it's an incredibly sad thing to say but the mere possibility that they may be exposed to horrible medical conditions is too much for me to bear. I love them more than my life and before getting this tinnitus they had been the most beautiful thing in my life, and I had not been spared bad illnesses previously, but this is too much and this is a world where life can turn horrible too easily. I don't have a choice though, they are here, I need to resist as long as I can and to love them every day I have left.

 

Thank you. He does enjoy it there. He got a rash after his 3rd day (typical) so now he can't attend until it has gone and I am not coping with him home. That is so strange for me to say because before tinnitus I enjoyed his company so much and NEVER intended in using childcare.

I am not doing parenting very well at the moment. I am so snappy, always telling them to shush, impatient.

I am trying but so depressed I rarely even say good morning these days. I wake us anxious and hypervigilant and can't deal with them even talking. I am a different person to the one I was 8 weeks ago before tinnitus.

I adore them, but if tinnitus came before them, they wouldn't be here. We were going to try for a 5th and I can assure you that child will now never be born. No way could I deal with pregnancy and another baby/child with this 24/7 screaming in my head.

 

No, I'd be scared they would scream at me or I could pass this on to them.

 

I could use some advice on this one.

Recently found out there's potential for kids in the mix in my life, very early pregnancy (maybe 2 weeks, not confirmed by bloodwork yet).

She decided to go off birth control without telling me (as she thought it wouldn't be a problem since I'm not an all-in kind of person). This isn't a relationship forum but suffice to say I already made it clear how stupid and absolutely insane that was to not let me know especially while I'm writhing with this.

Of course... I've got crippling tinnitus and sound distortion / hyperacusis and it has been so bad I've been only working part time and meetings I can't do (voices get distorted, ears hurt and feel full). I was on a return to work plan, but if anything things are stagnating or even getting worse and I'm truly worried (especially considering the battle any disability claims are for this).

Sex has only been on days where I take benzos so I can actually enjoy it.

This has been going on for 6 months and steadily worsening. I'm 30.

What are the chances this all gets magically a lot better in 9 months? Because honestly I don't know how I'd be able to continue my career much less have sustainable income with the debts I have (and other dreams I'd have to give up) if this got any worse... MUCH less be a father.

I was always of the mindset I had to be at my "best" and feel not ready but that I "could" to be a dad. Suffice to say... most definitely not right now while things have been getting better then suddenly turning for the worse (not sleeping all night / waking up to LOUD thuds and ending up in the ER to be sent right back home worse).
I want to enjoy life and a family as a wholesome part of my life... not be getting up in the morning and not doing myself in because kids depend on me. I'm not of the mindset of "kids are my world", not that I don't want them, just I think a full life needs to also be enjoyed. Kids are a huge sacrifice in the best of circumstances.

 

@Matchbox, sorry to hear you’re struggling at the moment. My honest impression is that going off birth control without telling your partner is a dick move. It’s a life changing decision for both of you. Kids can be awesome, but intentionally getting pregnant without telling your partner is just dishonest. Can you really trust someone like that? I’ll also qualify that by saying I’m no relationship expert - oh so very far from it.

Will you get better in 9 months? It’s likely to be better, but nobody knows for sure. Some people can take a couple of years to reach a point of recovery.

From one buzzing head to another I wish you a full recovery. I know all of this is just plain shit and it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate.