Going Insane from Tinnitus?

I kept posting in my intro thread, but I have a specific question, so I will ask it here.

I really feel like I am going insane. It's not just the crying, self-pity, reviewing the past. It's the anger, directed towards other people, like my mother (who is old and had several periods of depression, including when I was a baby - I seem to blame her now). I am literally not myself anymore. I yell like a demon possessed person at times. I keep tormenting my wife saying horrible things, something she does not deserve, she is truly an angel. I keep talking about suicide, but I don't think I am there, really. Yet, I behave more insanely with every day almost.

I've refused SSRIs due to the risk of worsening of tinnitus (it's a legit concern based on clinical studies, not just hearsay). What I should do? Ask for Mirtazapine?

Did anyone experience something similar? How did you get out of that? Drugs? Something else?

I know I should just accept this thing, try to be patient, quietly suffer and/or distract myself. I keep failing.

 

If it’s impacting your life severely then I would take an antidepressant, but that’s just my personal opinion and everyone’s reaction to medication is different.

I think Mirtazapine is pretty safe when it comes to tinnitus, but I’ve never tried it.

Also, just to add that I am on an SSRI and it has had zero impact on my ears.

 

Also, just to add that I am on an SSRI and it has had zero impact on my ears.[/QUOTE]
Hi @makeyourownluck.

Could I ask which one? I know it's different from person to person but am curious to see if there's an overlap or some consistency.

 

I’m on Duloxetine 60 mg.

EDIT:

Just looked this up, apparently Duloxetine is an SNRI, I'm not 100% sure what the difference is. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Awesome, thank you for sharing!

 

Duloxetine is scary stuff. My mother has been on it for years. Periodically it pulled her out of depression, but she has never been the same person again. But then when you are depressed, you aren't either.

 

Sorry you're suffering so bad, I have been there too. One thing to keep in mind is that most acoustic trauma caused tinnitus fades away in 6-18 months. I have had several really bad acoustic traumas in the last 15 years or so, and they have faded away to zero or near zero each time, it just takes a long time.

My first trauma was from exposure to very loud power equipment with no ear protection. I had screaming loud tinnitus, pain and fullness, and bad hyperacusis. I thought my life was over and was suicidal. But, it all went away in just over one year. Faded to zero.

Your tinnitus will improve over the months and could very well fade to zero, but you must ALWAYS protect your ears from now on.

P.S. I would not take any antidepressants as they could actually make your tinnitus worse. Do some research before taking any drugs like that.

 

CAN you mask your tinnitus?

Can you take ANYTHING that makes it go away/helps a lot?

Have you tried residual inhibition?

SNRI isn't a "terrible" idea I suppose, obviously be careful and bail if your tinnitus jumps to 20/10.

Because if any of those bring almost silence, use them, then use them less and less (probably never zero), and stop getting mad at the only person who cares.

You will grow into it, believe it or not. Just don't let it get worse, otherwise that's the real slippery slope (that's the only way forward).

 

Well everyone’s different. I feel brilliant on it. Singing its praises over here...

 

Do you have any experience with spikes? I’m a month into my first ever after 8 years of nice, stable, mild tinnitus.

 

Yes. I'm actually 2 months into a bad spike from a scream at a family board game. The spike was quite bad, but has faded 80%+ in about 10 weeks. I have had other spikes too and they all faded, but they are scary to go through.

 

Your feelings are validated, dealing with tinnitus is not easy at all. As someone, that has been through pretty much all the stages of tinnitus, I can tell you that your feelings are not all that uncommon. It's odd to live life with a noise, that comes from the internal, it really is. Getting emotional over our tinnitus, is also not that uncommon. I have had my fair share of it. Life can be stressful, it can be hard. For us, we have tinnitus sitting on top of it, it can be quite stressful, even if everything else is nice and comfortable.

In my early years, my perception and thought process was different. I had mild tinnitus, it was only heard in a "very" quiet room. It was the tinnitus that I would have loved to have right now. In those days, it was something new for me. Something new for everyone. Those days were difficult, no one validated my feelings. These days, we can tell others that we have "tinnitus" and we can at least get validation.

Even if validation was low for me, I still wanted to figure things out. I was always someone that had a thirst for knowledge and wanted to learn more. I'd ask my audiologist about tinnitus. I'd talk to people that would listen and just ask questions.

Our thought process, our perception(s) in life are very important. These days my tinnitus is at levels, that I never would have imagined. I never in a million years, would have thought that it could be this loud. My thought process is also at its strongest it has ever been.

Yes, normal people have ears 1000 times better than mine, but I still wake up to the day and do my tasks and complete my goals. My perception of things and how I think is different. Even with these "heavily" damaged ears I still help people, still try my best to move forward. Life can be difficult, it is. It's a grind each day, it's hard. It takes lots of effort each and every day.

Even as this level of tinnitus that I face, I still do my best to keep moving forward. It's a slow process, it's small steps that I take to move forward. It's not easy at all, it takes lots of soul searching to do it. I always try to take those small steps and get that small "win."

Just do know that I and others on this forum are here for you.

 

I’m sorry you’re also going through a spike, as I mentioned this is my first real one. I vaguely remember one from two months into my onset that lasted maybe a week or two.

But this spike could have been caused by noise or illness, I’m not too sure. It brought with it sound sensitivity, a winding up effect where noise exposure can cause the tinnitus to become louder and it also brought new sounds. I would say it’s definitely got a bit quieter the last 2 weeks and some of the additional sounds have faded/gone. But I’ve been avoiding all noise so I’m not sure if they’ll return if I try to go back to living.

Have you experienced anything similar with your spikes and have any words of advice or encouragement?

Now being a month in, my hope for it returning to my original level is diminishing quickly.

 

I'm not taking anything now. I have tried some "normal" supplements, but they did not seem to help, nor did I take any consistently or long enough to notice. Tapping fingers on the back of my head or shower help for a short while (minutes?). Still too scared of antidepressants, I probably won't take them. Yes, I really do not want to get this worse, if it does, it's really game over. Natural improvement is my only hope; there has been some minor improvement perhaps, but as everyone says, if it happens, it takes awfully long time.

 

It can always, always get worse. There's people worse than I am, who literally can't leave home without noxacusis stabbing/throbbing attacks.

It's super shit, but it helps to not let yourself be bogged down if it won't make you any worse.

Little trials and errors is the only way forward. That and time, you need like 3-6 months to begin getting used to it, and that's assuming it begins to fade or stays the same.

 

Yeah, I am almost 4 months since my acoustic trauma. I'm not used to it. First couple of weeks it was very mild. It was progressively getting worse over the first 2 months. Months 3 & 4 are roughly same, except one notable spike in month 3 I caused by recklessly playing a tone generator too loud. It seems that has resolved. There are some moments of improvements, but nowhere near how it was in first few weeks. First few weeks were literally the time my hair cells/nerves were dying. I swear I felt that. It was funny, if I plugged my ear with finger and removed it, everything seemed to be normal for moments. No tinnitus, muffled hearing gone. That is becoming a distant memory now.

And yes, I realize it can get much worse. It hardly consoles me, rather terrifies, but I get what you are saying. The spike terrified me and I just wanted to be back to the state before the spike. Well, I am there, but I am still not happy... Anyway, if it gets really worse (pain/noxacusis) I will really have to off myself. Hope it does not of course. The way it is now sucks, but I still can live, technically. I just returned from a quick drive in my convertible (in earplugs) to get a latte. Nice sunny day. Many would say I am still living a dream. Honestly feels like a nightmare to me, but yeah could be worse still.

 

When it first happens and doesn't stop, it is a nightmare.

 

Still is 6 years later.

 

Hi there @gameover, I'm sorry to hear about your suffering. The early days of tinnitus and being forced to learning to live with it are a nightmare. I think we've all had similar experiences when it comes to this. Also learning that in this advanced world there is an ailment that isn't cancer or a rare genetic disease but still doesn't have a cure, really comes as a shock. At least, it did to me. Just as the callousness with which you get treated by the professionals.

It is a good thing you are self-aware enough to realise your behaviour towards your loved ones isn't really you and taking a "dangerous turn". I know it is really hard / all but impossible to do something about it when you are in so much pain since being in pain makes people quite literally painfully honest. I experienced something similar when I acquired noxacusis.

Since you are worried about how antidepressants may affect your tinnitus, I wanted to point you to three natural remedies that might be worth looking into. The first one is St. John's wort. It is an over the counter remedy that's sold as pills or tea. It is a mood lightener but takes a little while to work. I know people who have used it and still do, so I know it works.

The other two I have no personal experiences with but bookmarked when I came across an article they were mentioned in. They were both introduced as alternatives to chemical antidepressants, one is 5-HTP and the other NADH.

I haven't checked if there are any threads on Tinnitus Talk where the pros and cons of these remedies are discussed but I'm sure I'm not the only person here who has stumbled across them.

All the best!

 

I will just update this thread saying that my anxiety and anger is largely gone. I did not take any drugs (tried St. John's wort for a while, as a tea). I am tired, out of energy, and largely resigned to worsened tinnitus.

I am definitely not insane, and not crazy. Just sad this horrific condition happened to me. I don't think I will be able to last long in this state.

 

I’m confident you won’t be in this state within 6 months’ time. The depression you experience will not lift magically though unfortunately. I know it’s extremely difficult to find joy at present, so instead find purpose.

I am the same as you and in mourning for my old life, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to go back to my work that I enjoy so much and it does sadden me more than anything else. But I was an engineer beforehand and I could go into design engineering which is certainly a lot more quieter so I need to stop dwelling on what I might be losing.

If by some miracle you’re still in this headspace in 6 months time, then while I’m flying over to seduce Dr. Shore so I can receive the device early, I’ll stop off and buy you a beer.

But as I said, I’m confident you will be in a better headspace. Be practical and productive, devise a plan.

 

I don’t blame you there. An alien noise in your ear(s) or head is not pleasant. It’s really a frustrating condition and I’ve had it a long time. My noise is either from an airplane barotrauma or my jaw. It is really loud in my left ear. I do a lot of hindsighting, but it does no good.

 

Like you, I was a design engineer, working in the medical device space for about 25 years before I started working in manufacturing engineering for my final 4 years. But unfortunately for me, my level of tinnitus has robbed me of my thinking skills to the point where I had to retire; I could no longer perform root cause analysis and other problem solving skills that were the highlights of my career. My mind doesn't function anymore and dementia is creeping up slowly.

Please keep your damaged hearing in the front of your mind when you go back to work. I didn't and am now paying the price.

 

I spoke too soon. I had a panic attack today after whole day spike yesterday. It kinda got better this afternoon, but the trend is not good. I am anxious again.

I tried to bribe Auricle people for an early access to the device, but no dice.

 

@Jammer and @Hardwell, what are your engineering degrees in? There seems to be a fair amount of engineers on Tinnitus Talk.

 

I don't have an engineering degree. It was all OJT.

 

Your post @jjflyman gives me so much hope. From your postings I know you did not have diagnosed hearing loss (at least in 8 kHz range, I suppose), unlike me, so I am more pessimistic about my case. But still, the possibility of this going away... I really wish. I have deep doubts about my ability to habituate. I so much want it go away. Year or 18 months is such an awfully long time, though. And yes, I am firmly against antidepressants, just too scary.