Self-Hatred

I've had this feeling for a long while, and I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I have this anger towards myself, and it seems to have stemmed when I developed tinnitus, and gotten stronger and stronger over the duration of the year.

My life hasn't been great. My childhood was good but when I got to middle school, there were bullies at every school, and I suffered from anxiety (probably due to school,) and it made me very shy and reluctant to branch out and talk to others my age. Recently, I wanted to change things for once and go to college, make friends etc. I really wanted to try to live a full life. I wanted to give myself a chance.

About a year ago, I developed tinnitus. It was the worst, most anxiety-filled 3-5 months of my life. I didn't know anxiety could last that long. Every psychologist and every therapist I've seen in my life has told me "the anxiety will go away," and "it comes in waves." But I really thought it would last forever. The panic attacks were so bad, I was throwing up every single day one week.

The panic attacks did eventually stop but this feeling has lingered in me. I have this intense, burning anger towards myself inside me that's subdued most of the time, but always present. It isn't really that I blame myself for getting tinnitus. I can't quite describe it. It's just this feeling that everything I've ever done, everything about me, is just a failure. That I, as a person, am defective somehow. I just think, "if so many horrible things have happened to me in my life, than what if it's really meant to be like this? What if I really deserve this?" And it makes me feel sick to my stomach and gives me the urge to crawl out of my skin and run far, far away from myself, just anywhere away from myself, just to be anyone but me. It makes want to cry, and I know there's nothing I can do about. I just feel like I was never meant to be born. I really dislike this feeling, and I'd really like it go away but it never does. I'm sorry for the complaining. I just felt like I needed to put it into words. I didn't mean for this to be such a long post.

 

You need to get into the comic Con world and yugoi card world on line. It's a nice hobby and it get your mind off T. That world of fantasy would do you good. Maybe getting a pet or a part time job in something you like. Get yourself busy.

 

@butterfly75 ,
Tinnitus can be mentally challenging at times and the unwanted emotions can be a rollercoaster and trying get through life's rat race-family,education and work.

You will learn how to handle stress and panic attacks and learn about tinnitus and ear protection and then its time for you!
You have a right to be happy and do everything you can to fight for what you want to achieve in life and fill your life with as much fun and happiness to help with the down times along the way.
Remember you can build confidence back up again and social skills and don't let tinnitus stop you.
Love glynis x

 

@butterfly75 ,

You cannot blame yourself. Unless you intentionally, with the goal of acquiring tinnitus, did something, you are not to blame. Even if you listened to music too loudly, you had no way of knowing that it would trigger tinnitus in you. The medical community knows some causes of tinnitus, but certainly not all of them. So, even if you think you know what caused your tinnitus you cannot be certain that was what caused it.

Life can be cruel. Life often, and it seems more often than not, allows bad things to happen to good people. But, for the most part, it is random. The universe is not targeting you, and tinnitus is certainly not inflicted on people as a punishment for wrong deeds. And of that I am fairly certain as I have had this my entire life, and while I have done my share of "not nice" things, I am fairly certain I did not do anything worthy of this horrible affliction before I was born.

You do not need to apologize, this is why this forum exists. We all joined this forum because we, or someone we love, was suffering with tinnitus. We all joined because we needed an outlet to express our depression, frustration, anger, etc.. We all joined because we were hoping to find support from people who understand what we are going through, and in many cases because no one else in our lives seems to be able to understand just how debilitating tinnitus is.

And you certainly were meant to be born, I have read a lot of your posts since I joined, and you are always helpful and supportive. You have helped more people than you think.

So, complain here as much as you need to, and write as many words as you need to express what you need to get out. We are here for you, and you do not have to fight this battle alone.

 

I understand how you feel. I will never get out of this rut myself, but I hope you can. I'm screwed and my life will be shorter as a result of my situation. Tinnitus sinks us to dark depths. My heart bleeds in your case as I at least got to experience adult fun before life went to shit. You didn't. I hope you can find some happiness in the world before giving up if you still feel like it.

 

Yeah, life somehow took me into this direction, and I wasn't expecting it. I used to believe in fate, but now I think everything might just be due to chance, and this all happened because of circumstances I didn't consider at the time (loud music etc.) And I think after all this, I can't continue on living a normal life, so my life might have to be cut short, but there's nothing left for me anymore.

 

It's unfortunate, that you feel this way. I kinda felt like this as a teen and in college. I got through this and changed my ways/life by just talking to a professional. I suggest you get help and talk things out. I think you had this even before tinnitus came and the tinnitus with its difficulties....intensified it.

Self hate, is the worst feeling one can have, and getting help is needed at times.....

 

@butterfly75 I'm right there with you except my deep, dark animosity towards myself predates my tinnitus by years. The tinnitus was not exactly helpful, though

For me it has been a decades-long process of experimentation, self discovery, and willful attempts at cultivating and nurturing self-compassion and acceptance. I'm approaching 40 and I have no plans of checking out any time soon... I hope you can find your way to the same. That is, in the moment I fight tremendously against some of these things still, but through the lens of years I can see that there's been a sort of tide pulling me slowly towards actualization and self-love, even if many of the moments have been jagged and painful as hell.

You're half right; Magic is the One True Card Game