Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      Fair... I'll probably just use sodium nitrite then. 100% success rate.

      Today is awful, I cannot live with this pain, it's so severe I cannot leave my bed, vertigo, visual snow, noxacusis, horrible dysacusis and pulsatile tinnitus.

      God help us!!!
       
      • Hug Hug x 7
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    2. vermillion
      Whistles

      vermillion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Possibly from Fluconazole / H + Dysacusis later on
      For me it feels as a one way ticket to end it. It is just not possible to live like this.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
      • Agree Agree x 1
    3. AliasM
      Depressed

      AliasM Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Dec 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown - Atypical migraines, Ibuprofin, BP meds?
      So am I. Sitting here after midnight with both ears screaming loud, 10/10. No chance at sleep for me. I have taken Endep to knock me out but my tinnitus is stronger than a damn sedative.
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    4. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      I am fully convinced I am suffering some unknown autoimmune disorder. My eyesight is basically fading away the same as my hearing is. I have pulsatile tinnitus, horrible head pains, skin issues and random rashes and a general feeling of being ill, and light vertigo at times... fuck this!
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    5. Alexandor Scott

      Alexandor Scott Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2013
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise exposure
      I had been doing well these past few years. My tinnitus was very mild and seemed to be stable no matter what I did. I took meds, took a bunch of vaccines (even the hep A vaccine which I found out later has an aminoglycoside antibiotic in it), traveled to 40 or so different countries, had noise exposures that made me uncomfortable, and nothing caused me a permanent spike. I had spikes here and there but nothing major. I rarely noticed or thought about my tinnitus.

      Now, 5 days after having the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine my tinnitus in my right ear has spiked out of nowhere and I cannot live with this sound. It may not be a result of the vaccine, it could very well be a random spike, but I've never experienced a spike this loud that last more than a few hours, so I'm assuming this will be permanent. I will not make it through this. And I'm oddly at peace with it. I've had some amazing experiences these past few years. Things that if not for my tinnitus I may have never done. So I'm grateful. And I'm ready to be done with this whole thing.

      I wish you all the best of luck.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
    6. ajc

      ajc Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2002; spike 2009; worse 2017-18
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music - noise damage
      You've been able to have all those nice life experiences many of us haven't, and then you want to off yourself FIVE (5!) DAYS into a tinnitus spike.

      Does not make sense, bro. I'd understand if it was one year into a spike, but 5 days is just ridiculous and a waste of life.
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
    7. Kriszti

      Kriszti Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      2016/2017/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      You said in the vaccine thread that your spike is fluctuating. If it went back to baseline even more than once, there is absolutely a good chance that it will subside permanently.

      Do not kill yourself because of this spike. Spike can last days/weeks and go back to baseline.
       
    8. BrOKeN_1

      BrOKeN_1 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      High Frequency Hearing Loss
      Sounds like you have been doing this long enough to know that you'll more than likely return to your baseline. I hope you don't do anything rash. There's so much more to do and see. And legitimate help is just months away. I wish you the best.
       
    9. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      I've made my decision to die soon. I have way too many incurable health problems for a very long time that have all worsened after getting tinnitus and hyperacusis. My life is just irreparably broken and I have no more reason to live. My other health issues are now way bigger than tinnitus and hyperacusis and I am a literal vegetable now as if hyperacusis wasn't enough. Fuck life.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
    10. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Started with a cold, possibly worsened by medication/noise
      In the deep, deep waters. I must resist for my kids but I don't know how. I am sorry for all of you in this thread, it keeps being heartbreaking. I wish we would all heal. Life can be so brutally arbitrary and cruel.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
      • Winner Winner x 1
    11. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      Spike from ambulance siren.

      Can't take this anymore. I can't ****ing move! No money. Sirens are going by constantly.

      I hate these people.

      I don't think I have ever read anything here about the science of spikes.

      I don't care if anxiety leads to any. I think it's important to know about noise (trauma) and spikes. Has anyone ever asked researchers about that? Any clue?

      So frustrating and infuriating.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
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    12. AliasM
      Depressed

      AliasM Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Dec 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown - Atypical migraines, Ibuprofin, BP meds?
      I have stopped taking my blood pressure meds. Hoping it will knock 10-15 off my life. I can't deal with this anymore. It isn't even the constant 24/7 bilateral screaming, it's the fucking vibration in my brain, the pressure in my ears, the ear pain, the sensitivity to sound. I've only had this 2 months but doctors have been anything from useless to neglectful and they are done with me now. I'm on my own. My new psych I was referred to has left me feeling worse and there is no way I'm going back to her. She treated and spoke to me like a fucking infant, not the grown woman with post grad university qualifications that I am. I'm not stupid, I'm in absolute distress caused by a condition she clearly cannot possibly understand.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
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    13. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      Me too... I have an amazing partner. I can't stress that enough. Note for those who may be confused: their pronouns are they/them, as are mine. They're probably the most patient person I've ever known, never once complaining about my recently acquired disabilities (besides wishing I could be cured so I can enjoy life again). And honestly if not for them I would choose to die right now. They always stress to me not to do more than I am capable of providing, they're willing to go great lengths to take care of me, they're a completely selfless person etc... I know I must live for them, and they're probably the sole reason I haven't caught the bus. But sometimes, despite this all, I don't know how to hang on anymore. I think this should be tantamount to the fact i am suffering some serious shit. I don't want to put a single soul into immense suffering but I do not know how to hang on anymore.

      I am lucky to have found this person a long time before getting severe hyperacusis and other problems though.
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
    14. AliasM
      Depressed

      AliasM Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      Dec 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown - Atypical migraines, Ibuprofin, BP meds?
      I have kids as well, 4 of them. My baby is 2 and I adore them. :(

      I have had a lot of tough situations in my life but nothing compares to tinnitus.

      I broke 12 bones in a car accident once including hip and pelvis, internal bleeding, had to learn to walk again. Months of rehabilitation and not once was I anxious or distressed. I have had to put my second child through 2 open heart surgeries and I was not anxious or depressed. I spent 7 weeks in hospital with my 3rd child, part of that I was in intensive care hooked up to machines, and I was not ever anxious or depressed. I went back to intensive care with my 4th child, immediately after birth and again when he was 3 weeks old with eclampsia and I was not anxious or depressed even though I was extremely extremely unwell. I was incredibly unwell with autoimmune liver disease in 2019, and they were even talking possible transplant at one point and I took it all in my stride. Never anxious or depressed.

      Tinnitus makes me want to throw myself off a building. It is the worst kind of torture and it's only my kids stopping me.
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    15. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      I can relate hard to this... I've beaten cancer and many other illnesses in the past... I've even pushed through severe intrusive tinnitus just fine. I've lived with a dysfunctional family and have gone through a multitude of severe traumas that have inflicted debilitating PTSD I still suffer from. None of it, in my experience, compares to the increasingly worsening (for no reason!) hyperacusis that has made me sacrifice almost my entire life. and the autoimmune problems I have now which are mathematically related to my hyperacusis.

      Maybe I'd feel more comfortable if I knew my hyperacusis was the result of, say, a noise trauma, an auto accident, etc. I'd just call it a day and live on with it. But with this it's just absolutely confounding. My condition which is causing my hyperacusis was caused by Prednisone withdrawal, and I think Prednisone suggestions for acoustic trauma are literally insane from my experience.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    16. pleasejuststop
      Suicidal

      pleasejuststop Member

      Location:
      Ny
      Tinnitus Since:
      2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      I'm curious about what medication the people in this thread are on?
       
    17. Matchbox

      Matchbox Member

      Location:
      BC Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise Induced, Prednisone (drones), Barotrauma (distortions)
      I have a shotgun which would probably work out if this doesn't improve.

      I had tantalizing recoveries but it would fluctuate and end up being worse but it all came crashing down with bad doctors and me not knowing the root cause of worsening.

      I improve just to end up worse than before at random and I've never gotten to previous better levels.

      It's like secondary hydrops or some shit caused by rebound inflammation. I took Prednisone and the moment I'm taken off from a week because no taper is fine for a week... BS... I get slammed with unholy droning seashell 500 Hz tinnitus bilaterally.

      I wanted to join the military. I wanted to get my PhD and finish grad studies. I wanted to marry my girlfriend. I wanted to hear music and enjoy nothingness as my favourite thing.

      Fucking doctor playing roulette destroyed me. This was just static before... and I was naive as to how lucky I was. I never should have sought treatment.
      Do no harm. Tinnitus doesn't kill you? They did harm and it kills you insidiously.
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    18. vermillion
      Whistles

      vermillion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Possibly from Fluconazole / H + Dysacusis later on
      I hate those kinds of people who treat you like that. They have the nerve to call themselves "doctors". That cocky arrogant bitch and all the likes of her shall have their license suspended. Pricks!
       
      • Agree Agree x 2
    19. Orions Pain
      Sad

      Orions Pain Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      A series of unfortunate events
      I keep on running it over and over in my head what it will do to my family if I call it quits. Especially my mom. But I just want an end to this misery. Iā€™m disgusted by this life and whatever it is that allows human beings to suffer so much.
       
      • Hug Hug x 13
      • Agree Agree x 2
    20. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      We are in the same shit. Literally every word in this post could have been written by me except the HBOT stuff.
       
    21. xyz
      Alienated

      xyz Member

      Location:
      Germany
      Tinnitus Since:
      2006 mild T 2019 T worsening H onset
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown / probably noise induced
      Probably this has happened to a lot of people. At least he hasn't sent you to get an MRI scan to rule out acoustic neuroma.
       
    22. Matchbox

      Matchbox Member

      Location:
      BC Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise Induced, Prednisone (drones), Barotrauma (distortions)
      Yeah well, considering what happened to me an MRI makes a shit ton of sense but everyone's playing wait and see until it gets even worse.

      There are MRI techniques now that can diagnose hydrops (very very new) as well as to detect lesions due to autoimmune attacks.

      When I had my last worsening, I had exercised after listening to 70dB music, however it wasn't insanely loud and my ears though ringing as they always do when working out and feeling a bit fluttery, calmed down within an hour and... frankly everything was fine.

      Until I went to sleep.

      I woke up in the middle of the night to "chimes" all over my headspace, literally everywhere and I saw a flurry of sparkles of light that went along with them... by morning I had LOUD chimes emanating from my jaw. It felt like when they went off that I'd hear a random "CHIME!" go through my skull, on both sides of my head.
      That slowly went away... and I continued with HBOT as it seemed to help with the "static" tinnitus.

      On my last session, I was at 2.3ATM and we held there. As I breathed in I could hear the tinnitus tones which were raging from the drive diminish to zero. Silence. I could still hear the chimes but they were quieter.

      Then out of nowhere, I heard "shit you not" a thousand sound effects come to life. An actual FLURRY of sound throughout my head, sounds I didn't know existed. They persisted after I GTFO of the chamber.

      They persisted over white noise, road noise, everything. That's what my sound distortion began as.

      I took 1mg Clonazepam which lowered the distortions and sound effects by 90% in volume only, went to the ER, they basically said we can't help you and won't wake an ENT for this and sent me home. Had distortions and the sound effects ever since... however over the first month they did improve a lot, but are most definitely always still there. I'm down to 5 sound effects and blaring 500 Hz tinnitus at night... but that hasn't moved and basically been getting worse now over time not better as of mid November.

      The sound effects ARE the distortion I've found out, I can hear them over white noise, music, etc... sounds in fact trigger them.

      If any of this sounds like a seizure (which HBOT can cause), that's why I've been pressing for an MRI and neurologist.

      I do think benzos have something to do with it... to cope with tinnitus I was using them pretty often at highish doses, but had been free of drugs and able to sleep with earplugs in (imagine that) for about a week... I'd wake up to two staticy tones, and earplug removal yielded at least a minute of silence... basically I was getting better and I knew it. I did HBOT after the chimes because I was supposed to keep doing it and also thought maybe the chimes would go away as well and that it was a new form of tinnitus I didn't know about.

      This happened at the end of that week... so although I certainly wasn't "anxious" or an insomniac from benzo withdrawl (which was basically zero, like no additional symptoms whatsoever on tapering off, and I had been using them pretty regularly for 5 weeks)... I wonder if my auditory nerves in fact were in withdrawal / downregulated and had two literal seizures. To me that makes little sense, an autoimmune attack makes more sense... HBOT also allows more endothelial cell perforation.

      The last round of steroids I had because my doctor thought "another course can't hurt" and I was left with worse hearing coming out of it, more distortions, and now loud seashell droning sounds at 500 Hz. That's when I "finally" made the connection that steroids were 100% making this worse (something similar had happened on the first course on finishing).

      At the end of the day, I think I truly know what hell is, and I found out during that HBOT session.

      If it had stayed that way & Clonazepam didn't work, I was going to blow my brains out the next day.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    23. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      FML.
       
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    24. pleasejuststop
      Suicidal

      pleasejuststop Member

      Location:
      Ny
      Tinnitus Since:
      2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      This is hell. I just want it to stop. Is anyone here on antidepressants for the panic attacks, or anything else? I have severe anxiety and OCD on top of the tinnitus. I've tried so many drugs.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    25. asey20
      Curious

      asey20 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Toronto
      Tinnitus Since:
      July 13, 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Not sure.
      I'm going to kill myself. When I'm gone, it will be the only time anyone will show that they care for me, but by that time it will be too late. Good.
       
      • Hug Hug x 4
    26. kingsfan
      Mellow

      kingsfan Member

      Location:
      Southern California
      Tinnitus Since:
      mild for years. severe on 09/17/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      turning everything up to 11
      I'm in the same boat as you. I was getting used to the high pitched static I was having and could sleep fine and concentrate, etc. But I still kept trying to figure out the exact cause and some tests my doctor ordered made things astronomically worse.
       
    27. GBB

      GBB Member

      Location:
      NYC
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016-2019 (Mild, Cured) 8/2020 (Severe)
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Microsuction / Additional Acoustic Trauma in Close Proximity
      Currently on Mirtazapine, Nortriptyline, Pramipexole. It helps hold me together. Xanax as needed.
       
      • Like Like x 2
    28. Zugzug

      Zugzug Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      If you don't mind me asking, what's the motivation to take Mirtazapine and Nortriptyline together, as opposed to just increasing the dose on one? I guess Mirtazapine is a tetracyclic antidepressant, while Nortriptyline is tricyclic. Is there any synergistic effect? I hope they are helping.
       
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      • Good Question Good Question x 1
    29. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      Nortriptyline has been used for the treatment of neuropathy so I assume that is why @GBB is taking both.

      To me it makes sense to take both Mirtazapine and Nortriptyline, it would be more confusing if it was Amitriptyline instead.
       
    30. Zugzug

      Zugzug Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      There needs to be motivation for enduring hell every day. I wish I would have died in my sleep 2 years ago instead.
       
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