Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. grate_biff
      Alone

      grate_biff Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Moss, Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma and or benzo withdrawal
      I am exactly where you are. I finally brought my bottle of 150 of .5mg of Clonazepam to the bed with me from another room tonight. I have Oxycontin too. To be sure, I should mix it with alcohol as well. Benzo alone will not kill us. Problem is I am so extremely nauseous I do not think I can hold the alcohol.

      Life is nothing but extreme pain of sound, screeching tinnitus, tremors, anxiety, depression and body aches.

      Destroyed ears, benzo withdrawal and now also opioid withdrawal just don´t mix.

      Right now my father is taking a shower far away from where I am at, still the whooshing sound of water going through the pipes is killing me. How am I supposed to live like that?
       
      • Hug Hug x 7
    2. shelbynn

      shelbynn Member

      Location:
      Michigan
      Tinnitus Since:
      T 11/20, D and H 1/21
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Idiopathic
      Hi Simon,

      Thank you for your kind words. I'm having a really, really bad night. How long have you had your distortions total? I'm really happy to hear you're having some improvement. After reading everything on this site it seems that things like tinnitus/hyperacusis/distortions are battles one by months and years not days and weeks.

      I'm so scared this is never going to be better and this is the rest of my life. I used to sing and play piano. Music and sound are a huge part of my life. Losing that would be losing everything for me. I have very few joys in my life. Sound used to be a major part of my coping with PTSD. I just feel like I'm not meant to have peace or joy.

      Please keep me posted if you start seeing more improvements in your sound distortion.

      Shelby
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    3. shelbynn

      shelbynn Member

      Location:
      Michigan
      Tinnitus Since:
      T 11/20, D and H 1/21
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Idiopathic
      That's the thing with all of this stuff. I feel like waking up everyday in the middle of a battle field and I'm so exhausted. This is seriously no way to live.
       
    4. shelbynn

      shelbynn Member

      Location:
      Michigan
      Tinnitus Since:
      T 11/20, D and H 1/21
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Idiopathic
      I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do at all. I don't have anything encouraging to say because I'm in the same space as you completely. I don't know if this will ever get better for either one of us.

      In times where I've been suicidal in the past I've always been able to tell myself that this isn't permanent. I can't say that to myself anymore. This may well be my life. I don't have hope and I don't expect anybody here suffering to have hope. All I can say is stay curious. Sometimes in the darkest pits I've been in, like the one I'm in now, I used to always stay curious. I needed to see how the story unfolded, even if it was tragic.

      But I'm so tired and I don't want to know what tomorrow is going to bring. I don't even want to get to tomorrow.
       
    5. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      I am just so ready to give up. Dysacusis makes life impossible to enjoy.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
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    6. Jrblovsky

      Jrblovsky Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Christmas 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NOISE/Menieres Who knows
      Sorry bro.
       
    7. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      Ok I need to bitch here again. Not about tinnitus or hyperacusis. But I have all the classic brain tumor symptoms. I'm not sure if my tinnitus and hyperacusis are related to it, might be, but this is something I don't know how to process at all. My doctors are very concerned too.
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
    8. Jrblovsky

      Jrblovsky Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Christmas 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NOISE/Menieres Who knows
      If they suspect a brain tumor, have they ordered an MRI to rule it out? I know so many are terrified of MRI machines but it can be done. I just had one two weeks ago. Double protection.
       
    9. __nico__
      No Mood

      __nico__ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2003
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      chemo/barotrauma/noise/autoimmune disorder
      I had a CT scan done even though my neurologist was pushing hard for an MRI but I may actually need one.
      My tinnitus and hyperacusis/dysacusis are on the back burner for now but they're still depressing as they robbed me of my coping mechanisms. Fuck man
       
    10. Jrblovsky

      Jrblovsky Member

      Location:
      USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      Christmas 2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      NOISE/Menieres Who knows
      I understand. I have severe OCD and have struggled with it since I was a teen. I finally had it under control and now this shit.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    11. vermillion
      Whistles

      vermillion Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Possibly from Fluconazole / H + Dysacusis later on
      I could have written that.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
      • Agree Agree x 1
    12. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Started with a cold, possibly worsened by medication/noise
      So sorry to read this, and so sorry for everyone else on this thread. It's excruciatingly painful.

      Just to say that benzo withdrawal can take anything from 6 months to 3 years.

      There is a guy who was on Clonazepam for 15 years, topping at 6 mg and he went cold turkey. He went through literal hell, suffering increased the first six months, then it kind of diminished from month 7, and at month 14 he started to feel markedly better.

      How long have you been in withdrawal? It might be worth waiting a couple of months more if you can manage that. I know it's a hour by hour hell so I know it's a lot to ask, really a lot.

      @shelbynn, so sorry to read about this. I sympathise. Xanax won't work, don't do that, benzos can give you hell with withdrawal or tolerance but they won't kill you, that's why they have totally replaced barbiturates. They are extremely "safe". As I was saying, I sympathise. I don't have distortions but my tinnitus is so extreme now that the electricity is painful at a physical level. I cannot stay on the bed or rest. I get flashes of my past life but attached to them is a feeling of horror or extreme anxiety, like PTSD flashes. @Orions Pain is right, this @#@!!%& can give us PTSD.

      @vermillion, so sorry to see you here too. I always hope a miracle happens and we wake up free of these horrors, or with much diminished symptoms.

      @GBB, sorry for your missed career man, you threw everything at this horror but like many of us could not find something very effective. My specialist told me last year "look, I see a lot of these cases. Not just severe tinnitus and ear symptoms, but also burning skin, phantom limb syndrome etc. At some point the brain has enough and lets go. I think it will happen to you too". This is a nice guy and I think he meant it but to me it felt like a "I give up on you" if I ever saw one. I don't know. Once, one year and a half ago, I was seeing a ENT nurse for ear cleaning, I asked her, "do you know some specialist I can see? I saw 6 so far, but I'm willing to see anyone if they can help". She told me "I'm sorry, love, nobody can really help you with tinnitus, stop looking for a doctor because you won't find anyone". That was another nail in the coffin. How are we supposed to go on when there is so little hope? FX-322 is still far, OTO-413 so far, I feel so sick given the urgency of suffering and the slow process all these companies are following, no one can tell us worsening cases why we are worsening.

      I get the feeling, @Gabriel5050 . This is maybe unfair to Frequency Therapeutics, they are trying to move fast, but the Hough Ear Institute institute? Come on guys, speed up, people are literally on the brink of the abyss.

      All of you on this thread, I'm sorry for all you are going through. I think of you often and I really hope your situation will improve at some point. We have suffered enough.
       
      • Hug Hug x 9
    13. grate_biff
      Alone

      grate_biff Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Moss, Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma and or benzo withdrawal
      I´ve kind of been in withdrawal since 2012. On and off since then.
      I was all healed in spring of 2014, then september 2014... BOOM... Tinnitus!! And what was the only thing that helped??? Fucking BENZO!! Took it sparingly these last 6 years, but you cant fool benzo, it will take you in the end.

      I was off for 10 months now, but could not take it any more. Went back on in November and trying to taper again, but its so much worse this time. Cant even tolerate the white noise to mask my tinnitus. Its piercing though my brain. And anxiety and tremors are EXTREME. Thought it was bad before, but it can always get worse:banghead:.
      Constant thoughts of suicide makes me nauseous.
      I just want to live to see the results from Frequency, but dont know if I can make it!
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    14. RichieTheKid
      Ape-like

      RichieTheKid Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Many Different things
      Doctors need to see these posts.

      Now listen, I was against psychology for a long time but I respect the practice for what it does, helping you rationalise thought's, developing coping mechanisms and understanding yourself .

      But tinnitus is a real physical thing, piercing through your ability to cope sometimes or a lot of the time. Add hearing loss and other things and it doesn't help.

      A line must be drawn where people understand there are conditions that can't be seen, but cause real physical damage and makes mental state decline
      The lines shouldn't be so blurred. It's an injustice to people who suffer. There are some people who can live with it and there's nothing wrong with that. But sone simply can't, it's not that they don't want to, they can't. So yea.
       
      • Agree Agree x 14
    15. grate_biff
      Alone

      grate_biff Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Moss, Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma and or benzo withdrawal
      I really have tried everything. Every pill in the pharma industry.

      I've tried nerve blockade.

      I've even severed my tympanic muscle.

      Nothing worked, except for benzo...

      And now it is killing me. I kind of knew it, but now that I'm here, it is so difficult to go through with suicide.

      I live with my dad, and even though he is sick of me complaining all the time, I'm sure he'll be devastated finding me hanging or OD'd.
       
      • Hug Hug x 5
    16. Matchbox

      Matchbox Member

      Location:
      BC Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      August 2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise Induced, Prednisone (drones), Barotrauma (distortions)
      Big difference between I hear static at night and need the fan on versus the wind, my voice and everything around me makes lightsaber noises, droning and thudding so loud I can feel it and I can never escape... or my own voice hurts my ears to use and I can't go outside without searing pain.

      If I could trade 5 dB of hearing for 5 dB less of tinnitus, I would in a heartbeat.
       
      • Agree Agree x 4
    17. Born To Slay
      Depressed

      Born To Slay Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud concert
      Didn’t you say you have tons of Retigabine/Trobalt? If you are really going to kill yourself anyway, you might as well give them a shot. They might stop your hyperacusis and tinnitus.
       
    18. Shizune
      Wishful

      Shizune Member

      Location:
      The bell tower
      Tinnitus Since:
      H: 6/2020 T: 7/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Chemical exposure, made worse with benzo withdrawal(??)
      Oh you actually want to bathe? Setback.
      Wanna cook something to eat? Setback.
      Oh that pepper you bit into is too crunchy. You didn't cook it long enough. Setback.
      You're wearing earplugs? Well you're walking so that's occlusion. Another setback.
      Hey you're typing too fast. Setback.
      Nice earmuffs. Too bad they are sucking the life out of your ear drums. Gonna have to give you a setback for that one.
      Double protection? Sorry, you're already this far gone. It's not gonna help. Here's another set back as punishment.

      I hate my body. I wish I had some sort of display that tells me when I'm pushing too hard. I can't do a single thing during the day without being punished in some way.

      If I don't get good news in March I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't live like this. Getting better seems impossible. I've only gotten worse.
       
      • Agree Agree x 3
      • Hug Hug x 1
    19. Tweedleman
      Depressed

      Tweedleman Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown/Noise
      I just wanted to say I've always loved your profile picture. It's so endearing, to the point that it actually makes me extremely sad knowing how much torture the little guy on the tractor is now going through.

      I have some very similar pics of myself on the old family farm, those were the days.
       
      • Agree Agree x 5
    20. GBB

      GBB Member

      Location:
      NYC
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016-2019 (Mild, Cured) 8/2020 (Severe)
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Microsuction / Additional Acoustic Trauma in Close Proximity
      I am seriously considering regular administration of benzos. I have been taking Xanax 1x per week max but that seems to mean 5 days of suffering now and 1-2 days semi-normalcy. I think my work is going to start to suffer and I'm afraid whether I can continue like this.
       
    21. GBB

      GBB Member

      Location:
      NYC
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016-2019 (Mild, Cured) 8/2020 (Severe)
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Microsuction / Additional Acoustic Trauma in Close Proximity
      I don't think my brain can ever get used to this. I have some days where it is lower and other days where it is literally torture. I just don't know what to do. I love my family and I want to live - I've found mine seems to have a macro cycle - I might have a few days where it is lower, followed by a few weeks of higher intensity. I'm very fatigued at being lulled into a sense of complacency/safety. I fear I may be mentally scarred after this, if I manage to survive.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    22. Uklawyer

      Uklawyer Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication - antidepressants
      I am getting ready to go. Moving money from business account over to personal account abroad for my wife. Even that is hard for me. Anxiety, lack of sleep. The noises. It's torturous. How do you do it? Making food, clearing up a bit - it's all too much. I can barely do anything...
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    23. grate_biff
      Alone

      grate_biff Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Moss, Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma and or benzo withdrawal
      Thank you! Yes it's very sad indeed. A reminder I once had a carefree life. I have had a life, but I'm afraid it has to end now. A few minutes ago I said yes to be committed to a psych ward for my benzo and other pills problems. And when/if I'm clean, they will send me to another psych ward.

      I can't see how I can go through with it, but I have said I will try.

      Deep inside, I feel both the tinnitus and noxacusis will be better once I have a more normalized CNS. But will it be enough?
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
    24. grate_biff
      Alone

      grate_biff Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Moss, Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma and or benzo withdrawal
      I have thought about this for several years. You can search and find many posts where I try to find a way to make it more sustainable. The fear of death, when you hit tolerance, knowing there is no way you can wean yourself off it cause every thing will be much worse, is why Im reluctant. But even if you take it sparingly it will get you in the end. That is my experience.
      This is something I will have to discuss with the people at the psych ward/detox-center.

      I just read this article:
      Differential Effects of Two Chronic Diazepam Treatment Regimes on Withdrawal Anxiety and AMPA Receptor Characteristics

      Taking an NMDA antagonist together with benzo have been proven to avoid one going into tolerance and can also help with withdrawal.

      But what antagonist would be the best? You can forget bringing this up with your doctor, they wouldn't know anything about it. But maybe an addiction specialist would?

      I recently tried Lyrica, but it just made me even sicker, racing heart, nausea etc...
      Gabapentin and Ketamine are also NMDA antagonists. There are a lot of them:

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NMDA_receptor_antagonist

      Something to think about for many of us maybe.
       
      • Informative Informative x 4
    25. grate_biff
      Alone

      grate_biff Member Benefactor

      Location:
      Moss, Norway
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic trauma and or benzo withdrawal
      Is there any evidence of that?

      A lot of people got their eyesight destroyed and I suspect it killed Danny Boy, may he rest in peace!

      I'm just to afraid to take it. It also expired in 2016. But I get your point.
       
      • Agree Agree x 1
    26. Born To Slay
      Depressed

      Born To Slay Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud concert
      There’s evidence for it. Retigabine is the drug being reformulated by Dr. Thanos Tzouonopoulos for tinnitus. He’s reformulating it to have less side effects but if you look at the Retigabine thread, it did lower a lot of people’s tinnitus. In addition, some people said it lowered pain hyperacusis. I remember reading @valeri wrote it helped them with that.

      I get you are afraid to take it and I’m not trying to pressure you. I’d just hate to see you kill yourself before having tried everything.
       
      • Friendly Friendly x 2
    27. ZAF777
      Insomnious

      ZAF777 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      SSHL
      Hi everyone, my name is Steve.

      Just over a month ago I woke up totally deaf in my left ear. Severe high pitched tinnitus driving me insane and my right ear incredibly sensitive to any sound. This I later learned was hyperacusis.
      I was given high strength steroids, MRI scan and sent to the specialist but to no avail.

      It's been the hardest 5 weeks of my life. Believe me when I say I had the most darkest thoughts the mind could conjure in the first couple of weeks.

      Thankfully a member on this forum has helped me greatly to move forward. Thank you JohnFox.

      For my sake and my family I have to accept that I will probably have a nagging mother-in-law wailing in my ear for the rest of my life. Though difficult, I believe possible. (For my sanity).

      This is a silent, invisible nightmare that we are all living with. Unseen by the mass population.

      I know how debilitating this condition is and sympathise / empathise with each and everyone of you.

      I pray that you will all stay strong and hopefully the conditions ease / cure found or habituation prevails.

      Life is very precious even when we hit rock bottom.

      Steve
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
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    28. Ctw
      Tired

      Ctw Member

      Location:
      CT
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Same here...
       
      • Like Like x 1
    29. Marin
      Depressed

      Marin Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      6/18/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      SSNHL... probably previous noise exposure, too
      I am very sorry that you are suffering. Losing hearing so suddenly is such a shock to the system. You might be a cochlear implant candidate in your deaf ear which could lessen the tinnitus.

      I sincerely hope that the hyperacusis in your other ear improves with time.
       
      • Like Like x 2
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    30. ZAF777
      Insomnious

      ZAF777 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      01/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      SSHL
      Thank you Marin for your kind words.

      I was told due to the profound/total loss of hearing that hearing aids would unfortunately not be an option.

      I have reluctantly accepted that Metallica / Iron Maiden will be rehearsing in my deaf ear 24/7.
       
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