Suicidal

On the slow road to benzos no longer working and we having to hear these sickening wavering distortions and broken sounds in my ears.

Slow road to biting my shotgun in an RV somewhere after spending all my money.

 

Yah hearing loss isn't advertised as it should be.

A demon molesting you while you're constantly screaming would be a better ad for hearing loss.

 

I woke up again to feeling like I have panic attack. I have difficulties to comprehend the situation I am in. My life changed because I made mistake one day when I was not as careful as normally that led to acoustic trauma that triggered intense symptoms and now I can't even leave my home without experiencing worse pain in my ears. I still deal with self blame daily because I was not as careful as normally that day. How can I ever forgive me...

I felt like I was surviving benzo withdrawal and PTSD and in the end of the slow taper I already felt like my life was starting again. It was a long and hard process to be able to get to the point I was at. I was able to enjoy my life a bit without getting constant setbacks that I got for a long time during the tapering. Because withdrawal is like that. But I was healing. I couldn't do everything that "normal people" could do because I had limitations in my life but I was fine with the limitations. I had started to accept them. Slowly I got many things back I lost for years and it felt like a miracle.

I did not have insomnia anymore, I got my ability to concentrate back after feeling I had 24/7 brain fog. I can't even describe what tinnitus did to my sleep and ability to concentrate. Music was so important to me during withdrawal process, in my life in general and my recovery process from PTSD, but acoustic trauma triggered sound distortions and hyperacusis, and music sounds so flat, distorted and terrible, like some sort of cacophony I haven't got any joy from music after acoustic trauma and hyperacusis stole my ability to tolerate sound. I am going to tests soon to see do I have hearing loss because it is possible acoustic trauma triggers hearing loss and my symptoms are worrying. Music is one of the main things that bring some sort of pleasure, some sort of magic, colours to life that nothing else does. It is possible music hobbies starting from young age has built my brain this way. I enjoy music and socializing, everything I care about has a lot to do with hearing. Idea of losing hearing at this age is terrifying.

I am having suicidal thoughts. I would not have any reason to experience suicidal thoughts if I did not have these ear/hearing symptoms. I have really hard time to accept that in the future after this there is a constant risk of setbacks even if my symptoms would get better and I got my quality of my life back. Now I don't have a life, this is not a life to be at home hoping some day to be able to tolerate sound again without pain. I used to live a life fearing of setbacks because of benzo withdrawal. I saw how good life can be again and I am feeling at the moment these symptoms stole everything.

 

@Sointu, sounds like you're having a hell of a time with this at the moment. From your introductory post it looks like you're only in the first few months of this. The first few months are just so hard, I really struggle for words with it. Screaming tinnitus, every damn sound hurts, the sleep deprivation, a couple of hours sleep a night, sometimes none at all... it's hell, there's no doubt. However, things can and do get better for many people.

You're most likely in the worst of it at the moment. It's easy to lose hope around the three month mark, I know I did, as it feels like an eternity living with these symptoms and you're scared it'll be like this forever. We're used to injuries healing quickly, but ears just take a lot longer to settle. After another three months you should be seeing some relief. I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

I was hesitating if I should reply to this post - also because I probably never had such a terrible tinnitus as the vast majority of people writing on this thread. Moreover, I'm still not healthy, so I can't fall under the "survivor" category. I still have bad days (last at the end of August).

What's more, I'm an alcoholic (I think I was addicted around 18 ... sober from the age of 20 to the age of 22) and after 10 months from the beginning of tinnitus, I started drinking again and now I have a problem to stay sober - so there are clear traces after all this. Nevertheless, I wanted to comment on the topic of PTSD Background. I remember thinking about myself in the past tense. I was crying that I would have to finish it with my own hand and it would be better if a truck ran over me (because then you don't have to finish it yourself). I thought about myself in the past tense - "I was ambitious, I studied".

At least I tried to find out that 22 years of life is not so little - I compared myself to a friend who died at the age of 18, to historical figures (who did not live to be 22), and that to numerous contemporary victims armed conflicts. I can't even call it typical suicidal thoughts - because I perceived it as something already accomplished. I was also terrified that I would have to do something like this to my dad (I knew how he would feel when I finished this). I was a bit sorry that because of my mother I could not enjoy my life when I was a child - I considered it a loss, since (as it turned out) I was only supposed to live 22 years ...

On the other hand, I tried to appreciate that before my death (dating from the beginning of the disease) I could study my beloved field and enjoy my life for six months ... You know, such summaries before my death.

I was thinking about tinnitus before I could even hear it and realize what day of the week it is etc thinks).

I vomited from nerves as soon as I woke up. I permanently (until today) lost my emotional attitude towards my studies and professional path (and I used to be ambitious and wanted to know as much as possible about my field, i.e. law) - typical "but in the end it's doesn't even matter). For over a year of illness, in the morning I had the thought that I couldn't do that, again all day and that's all.
I remember hearing that, screaming, hitting the wall with my hands and running out of the house.

What am I describing all this for? Also, I was convinced that if the situation improved, I thought that would end PTSD, but be grateful for every moment.

In this moment the situation is improved.

Tinnitus is not so volatile, it is quieter.

The bad news: I can get frustrated with some rival things like before tinnitus. Although many things that have ceased to interest me as a result of my illness, they still do not evoke any emotions in me. I'm not grateful every second that I don't have to suffer, not suffering is not enough for eternal happiness (and I imagined it would).

The good news: what I described above is pretty much all I can remember about the first three years of tinnitus - the ones that happened before I found effective supplements. Your brain can wipe out extremely traumatic memories. Mine did it. It doesn't have to end up with active PTSD. Although I will not say, I still react aggressively, regardless of the context, to a few words such as "acceptance", "learning to live with something" or "habituation" (I think you understand why ... what I heard from them).

But I would like to point out that I forgot most of my childhood in the same way. I can describe it 2-3 sentences. I know who hurt me and why, I have some memories, I don't like this person, but most of them are - for my mental health - erased.

 

Did the Klonopin help you habituate?

 

Hi. It was my first dose of Pfizer. I checked my antibodies and only got "32" from it, so that was a waste and now I am left with possible life long tinnitus.

 

It's been a year after my 2 new acoustic traumas in 2020, orthodontist that was drilling through glue on my teeth and falling through a doors glass (and that glass has fallen on the floor, in multiple pieces, so fcking loud). Also almost a year after being left alone by someone who promised not to in the worst way possible.

Not even a little improvement, not even by 1%. It's loud and lonely.

I have panic attacks, sleeping or not sleeping all the time, time flies very fast, non-stop suicidal thoughts, losing myself during panic attack periods.

I feel like I died already, in my tiny dark room.

And I'm just 23 with 10 year battle with tinnitus already, after last year's worsenings by acoustic traumas it's unbearable. Before that, I still smiled, I still believed in anything. After last year, I can't believe even in the air I'm breathing.

I even tried psychiatrist just to stop panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, I tried two safest meds to take with tinnitus that are Vortioxetine and Sulpiride. After two days they spiked my tinnitus through the roof (after discontinuing them I went back to my shitty 2021 baseline) so I can't even help myself that way.

What now? I tried EVERYTHING. It's been a year and I cry, I beg,

I can't believe that last year there was a short period of time before the acoustic traumas that my life was getting a little better, I met people, after the first trauma it got really hard but somehow I even fell in love (and shortly after left alone). But now, after the glass incident (second acoustic trauma) I'm just waiting for death that I don't want but what to do when there's nothing else to do and try?

I'm crying even writing this, tinnitus will kill me as it already killed any positive emotions left and my life.

 

@Snake, that's my biggest fear man, getting better and having to endure another trauma, it's like constantly living on edge, it's terrible. Right now my tinnitus isn't bothering me too much, it's mainly the hyperacusis that's acting up. I feel for you man, these conditions are truly debilitating. I wish I could say it's going to get better, but what the hell do we know?

 

My 2nd dose of Pfizer ended my life. I have Ménière’s and had mild tinnitus. The Pfizer made it severe and reactive. Taking Klonopin for 6 weeks then tapering worsened it further. I’m walking dead right now. It’s so loud and shrill I want to puke. I can only hope it goes down as my immunity wanes.

 

Yes, I totally understand, I had 1 tone of tinnitus before this began in the days after the Pfizer vaccine, but that tone would only come out when I had a cold, now it is 24/7 and a lot worse, and 2 new tones, but reactive tinnitus and distortion. I can't cope beyond a year of this as the last month has been even worse. I am told it is likely inflammation of the nerve that will go down but I can't believe that as has gotten worse after 5 months and this is just them guessing. 24/7 multiple noise and reactive. The rumbling hum sounds like I have got a diesel truck in the next room or a electric hair shaver against my head, the shrill noise sounds like a million electrified cicadas, the reaction noise sounds a dentist drill, and the distortion sounds like a broken speaker and when anyone says anything with a S in it my ears cringe. I don't enjoy listening to anything anymore as it sounds rough and harsh. Life sucks now.

 

I truly believe there is hope... just takes a stupid long time to heal and we suffer. 1-4 years.

 

Who even knows if that’s correct? AstraZeneca vaccine caused inflammation of the cochlea which resolved with Prednisone. Some people have gotten better from it, some have not yet, and some may never. It’s too early to tell.

 

Sounds a lot like mine...

Noise trauma here...

 

I keep saying the vaccine has caused something like a noise trauma to some and they keep saying it’s inflammation that will go away, but I’m not so sure anymore.

 

I just don’t get it. I won’t be getting the booster that’s for sure.

 

Mine wasn’t even originally from noise so it’s affecting everyone. On the Ménière’s forums people are also miserable.

 

My thoughts are that hearing loss is hearing loss no matter the cause. Yes probably inflammation but you get that from noise as well... :/

 

Yeah, I don't believe the inflammation explanation anymore. The vaccine has either damaged the hair cells or damaged the nerve IMO. I have had zero improvement over the last 5 months, even worse in fact, if there was inflammation surely that would very slowly improve symptoms not make them worse. Maybe some were lucky to just get inflammation but I really don't think I was.

 

Are you saying the vaccine caused hearing loss? My hearing really hasn’t changed. There are instances of the vaccine causing SSHL. First time I got ringing in my ears was at age 19 from eating large quantities of 2 things I was allergic to. That went away in 4 hours. So the inflammation hypothesis is not that far fetched. Question is did it do permanent damage?

 

Same.

 

First of all I think tinnitus behaves the way it wants in a specific person no matter the cause.

Also I think for most people tinnitus comes from some sort of hearing loss all the way up to 20 kHz.

Not everyone. I think head tinnitus might sometimes be unrelated to hearing loss.

Stress induced or tensed muscles certainly are not hearing loss.

But we know people get hearing loss, with or without tinnitus, from the flu, ear infections and drugs.

So not far fetched to get it from vaccines as well. They are drugs and they start a flu like process too.

If you have tested your hearing up to 16 kHz and it’s completely normal, you still could have hearing loss above that. If your head interprets the hearings loss as an overload, let’s say you had hearing up to 19 kHz before. It’s possible.

I don’t know much about Meniere’s disease. It’s probably safe to say it increases the odds of anything at all to make it worse... Just as mine could get worse from some pills or exercise or god forbidden doing air travel...

I believe inflammation gave me tinnitus since it took 7-10 days after the noise trauma. It’s sneaky and awful. Hyperacusis came the within 24 hours. I wish I knew what it meant back then...

 

Sounds exactly like my case, started with sensitivity to sound and then tinnitus came creeping the following days.

 

@Brian P, I forgot do you have a kid?

I’ve read about your troubles oftentimes.

I wish you improvements.

 

I just don't understand what it did to our ears. My first Pfizer shot I just had the generic sick for a couple of days. One week after the second one I started having reactive tinnitus and in retrospect sound sensitivity. Then I heard a high pitched sound on my iPhone without headphones and since that day I have continuously gotten worse. I was so excited to get the vaccine because it meant at least in part a return to some level of normal and in contrast my life may be forever altered.

 

The question is, is it permanent? If it takes a few months or a year I will have hope. Many people side effects of the vaccine, including tinnitus, went away. Some people it did not. But then again, the vaccine hasn’t even been out a year.

 

I have significant loss below 1 kHz in my hearing.

 

I have a son, yes. He doesn’t live with me though. He’s only 10 months old.

 

Fuck this shit so much. If it wasn't full of a ton of sound effects all over my right ear like warbling gobblty goob and the bass rhythmic vibraphone like droning I'd be ok.

Fuck do I ever miss this just being ringing and static. SO. Much.

If it gets worse it's a matter of when not if.

To catch COVID-19 or get worse off the vaxx. The fuck do I do?

And I seem to be the only one who gets such intense side effects from head tapping. Every time I do it, I'm left with my single tinnitus tone (which is only annoying), but then the wave of sound, like a rising tide comes in for about a two minutes at epic volumes, then back to the old baseline suicidal level as opposed to the I'd blow my head off if it stays much longer level.

I'm like an enigma.

 

I feel you. Vaccine took my mild tinnitus to suicide.