Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. Marshall

      Marshall Member

      Location:
      ND
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Not sure/virus/noise trauma/cumulative noise damage
      Yeah same bro, music was the death of me. It literally was a drug and now I’m having withdrawals and paying the price... I love all EDM. I was a big shuffler, literally what makes me feel free. My love for music all started with rock and metal tho.
       
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    2. LilCC

      LilCC Member

      Location:
      Florida, U.S
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Exposure to loud noises
      I was a huge shuffler too! I would shuffle all day at music festivals. It was my escape, such glorious times. Remembering those times gives me a huge feeling of sorrow, I can’t believe I will never have those moments again, all I have left are memories. Music was truly something especial, if I ever felt down I knew music would be there to get me out of my darkest moments, I lost the one thing that kept me alive :( I watch videos of me shuffling and I remember how extremely happy I was, not one ounce of sadness in me. Just thinking of everything I lost. I use to also love dancing salsa, as every Hispanic usually does. I loved all types of music, oldies James Brown etc.

      What a true tragedy this disease is, it will take everything you hold dear.
       
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    3. Shizune
      Alone

      Shizune Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Location:
      The bell tower
      Tinnitus Since:
      H: 6/2020 T: 7/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Chemical inhalation+Too many sleeping drugs
      Your mileage may vary, I just have very bad luck. I do know of people who took GABA for it with improvements and there are some studies involving GABA in tinnitus at least.
      It's mostly from my hyperacusis. I will get weird jolts in my head and scalp from noise that seems to irritate my nerves.

      However I also have these weird almost seizure-like symptoms from tinnitus that is sort of like a shock, that's usually when I'm trying to fall asleep or wake up during REM. It will be like a bomb whistling as it gets dropped. My tinnitus will start off soft and progressively get louder until it releases this weird shocking jolt that makes my entire body spasm. I'm not sure if that's the same thing you have or not. I've had this ever since I developed a somatic tone
      I have to try TRT soon for disability and I'm not looking forward to it. Every sound just makes me worse and worse.
       
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    4. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      I honestly never heard of tinnitus causing painful zaps... but I did have shocking brain zaps when I was testing SSRIs over a decade ago.
       
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    5. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      Ya, it’s weird. Best way I can describe it is that I hear what sounds like sharp “sparking” tones, almost like electrical discharges. The way it sounds is similar to car breaks squealing. Or if you’ve ever heard a smoke detector that has a low battery. It makes a high-pitched chirp sound. It’s kind of like that.

      Well, I hear that sound multiple times a minute and it varies in intensity. Sometimes, it’s a weak discharge and other times it’s very aggressive. The pain I feel correlates to the intensity. So the more aggressive the “zap,” the more it hurts. The tinnitus is also like a live wire intermixed with that zapping. The wire sounds like it’s going berserk or is an electrical box misfiring.

      My interpretation of all this is that perhaps the frequency of the sounds is so high that it causes the brain to interpret it with pain, the same way that those with low frequency hums describe their tinnitus as vibrating intensely. The brain is sometimes dumb and assigns sensations to phantom sounds. Tinnitus can be more than just a sound. That’s my best guess. I dunno if I’m right. I hope I’m not. I hope it’s something that will go away in time, like zaps that go away with SSRIs or benzos. It started after topical use of colloidal silver.
       
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    6. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      Yeah just looked up colloidal silver, and it has a lot of side effects. I didn’t see any for ototoxicity though but I wouldn’t doubt it.

      I agree about the zaps being so high frequency. My zaps can get very high sometimes and it makes me wince. Mine are pulsatile though. It’s been over a year and honestly it hasn’t gotten better, not to discourage you. We need treatments to lower or calm it imo.
       
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    7. Marshall

      Marshall Member

      Location:
      ND
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Not sure/virus/noise trauma/cumulative noise damage
      You’re not alone homie... I couldn’t have said what you said any better...
       
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    8. bobvann
      Badass

      bobvann Member

      Location:
      Inside the vortex
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud shit
      I think the young audiologist who looked like she was right out of high school may have lacked competence.

      In the past several sounds and programs were set. This one could only set one soft white noise and a program according to my mild hearing loss. She stated that there was an additional program with hearing aids without the background sound which did not work.

      Other issue is every time you put the hearing aids in the white noise program, it would default to a loud level and I would have to go through a few steps in the app after it reconnected to the hearing aids to turn it back down. This "privilege" for $6100 CAD. She suggested this model over the lesser $3000 to $4000 model due to having more adjustments options. Rigghhhhtttt. I was able to return them without any issues.

      Looks like the previous audiologist who suggested that hearing aids would not do anything for me was actually onto something.

      I definitely ruled out expensive hearing aid sound therapy as an option.
       
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    9. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      @Jerad, how do you fall asleep if you're constantly getting zapped? Does it subside when you are trying to go to bed? Or are you just able to fall asleep and not get woken up by the zaps?
       
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    10. danielthor

      danielthor Member

      Location:
      Denmark
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Suicide is basically a no-brainer at this point. I feel so sad for my parents. I’ve discussed VAD with them, but they’re not willing to let me go. I’m gonna have to do it behind their backs. At least it won’t come as a shock to them, and at least I won’t be here to witness the massive pain I will be putting on them. We have a big supporting family, and many family-friends. My mom’s mom lost a son too, he was around my age, but it was cancer and not suicide. I’ve been eating as much crap as I can these last couple of months, in case my cancer from 10 years wants to come back and finish me off. Dying from cancer is of course horrible compared to what I have in mind, but at least I would be dying on terms of other than my own. There would be less guilt about it.

      I’ve written them a 6 page suicide note. It’s the best stuff I’ve written in my life. I’ve written it like my life depended on it, like their lives depended on it. It’s so well thought through, so comforting, so consoling, they probably won’t even need a therapist.

      My life’s work is a suicide note.

      I think I will be posting a roughly translated version of it in my thread in General Chat. It’s not just about me, but my views on life in general, and I think it could be comforting for some people. It certainly is for me. Admittingly, it is first and foremost meant as a consultation to myself, for taking the life that was given to me.
       
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    11. RadioKid722

      RadioKid722 Member

      Location:
      NJ, USA
      Tinnitus Since:
      01/22/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication
      @danielthor, I hate to know you are suffering to this point. Please explain your condition and what brought you to this conclusion.
       
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    12. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      I’m able to fall asleep and not get woken up by the zaps.
       
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    13. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      @danielthor, I thought you were somewhat better now, like tinnitus had improved. I’m sorry to hear that you feel it’s time to go. I understand that pain and why you’re feeling that way. What happened or is going on to make you feel that way?
       
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    14. Marshall

      Marshall Member

      Location:
      ND
      Tinnitus Since:
      12/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Not sure/virus/noise trauma/cumulative noise damage
      That’s interesting.
       
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    15. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      I’m glad. Lack of sleep is killer but I also have sleep apnea so I think that doesn’t help now with tinnitus. I’ll get a heart attack if it doesn’t resolve lol.

      Good to hear you can get sleep. It’s encouraging to me.
       
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    16. Jerad

      Jerad Member

      Location:
      Ohio; United States
      Tinnitus Since:
      2002
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Medication ototoxicity
      Ya, I’m blessed in that regard. But when I’m awake, it’s absolute torture.
      Thanks, man. :) I’m just not doing good overall, though. I feel like the load is too much to bear. The extreme tinnitus and the physical aspects of it that make it feel like electricity, and torturous; the severe hyperacusis; the mental anguish. I’m having a really hard time coping because it could’ve all been so easily avoided. All this was brought on by such simple and seemingly small things. And now, a lifetime of misery could follow me as a result? It’s just too much, man. But I feel like I’m stuck with it.

      I often wonder how most people would react if they were in these shoes, and I realize they’d react the same way. My reaction is that of a human. If I didn’t react this way, something would be wrong with me.

      When these conditions get this bad, it’s extraordinarily hard to react any other way. I know time can possibly provide emotional healing and help, maybe physically, too, but if a heart attack or asteroid finds its way to my house tonight, that’d be okay, too.
       
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    17. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      I get you man. I think with time it should allow you some relief eventually. I don’t think you’ll be tortured for eternity. It’s just a matter of how much you can take. Let’s hope for the best man, keep hanging in there. Something has got to give. Also this is for you, me or anyone reading this, if worse comes to worse, try everything. Then give in if you have to.
       
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    18. LilCC

      LilCC Member

      Location:
      Florida, U.S
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Exposure to loud noises
      How likely are future treatments? If I could get at least 40 percent relief I’d be willing to stay.
       
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    19. Frayact

      Frayact Member

      Location:
      Greensboro, NC
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/1996
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      LiLCC, not to sound like a broken record, but if you've never tried an antidepressant, I would highly encourage you to talk to your doctor. Like you, I was physically destroyed when I first got this horrible affliction. There were days when I didn't even know who I was anymore. I would pace the floor and spend hours in the public library researching tinnitus and any treatments that were out there. It became and consumed my whole life. I remember standing in front of my bathroom mirror one evening and having to convince myself to not do anything stupid. Life was still worth living. And one of the things that made me live to see another day was the fact that there were so many options I hadn't looked into. They've all been discussed on these boards (TRT, CBT, biofeedback, etc.). And when I realized I needed something other than a "miracle," I gave in and tried an AD. It wasn't a cure, but it helped me crawl out of the well of misery into which I'd been cast.

      From your photo, you look very young. Even if an antidepressant doesn't work for you (and there are many you could try), at least you will have made an effort to do whatever it takes. Take advantage of your youth and don't end it prematurely. Not preaching, just reaching.
       
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    20. Frayact

      Frayact Member

      Location:
      Greensboro, NC
      Tinnitus Since:
      04/1996
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Jerad, you've mentioned the zaps many times. This is a horrible side effect of having to endure the noise in the first place.

      I will sometimes feel my tinnitus even when I can't hear it! If I'm outdoors or in a noisy environment, I may not actually hear that awful humming, but I will feel a vibration between my ears. Sometimes it even feels like something is rubbing together or thumping. It also comes off like a fluttering sensation. I'm sure this is what is commonly referred to as "phantom pain." But pain from where? That's the $64,000 question. Our brains are so complex that it opens the door for billions of things to wrong. The zaps you feel could be from a part of your brain that's "broken" or getting the wrong signal.

      Over the years, I've had three MRI's to see inside my head. And of course, they didn't reveal anything abnormal. I'm going to see if a CT scan may reveal something the MRI's missed. I'm probably just grabbing at straws again, but as long as I have health insurance, I may as well put it to good use.
       
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    21. Wrfortiscue
      Cowabunga

      Wrfortiscue Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1999
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Trauma
      There have been some promising results. Who benefits from it who knows. Just got to hold on to hope. I see lots of us hitting breaking points. Hope carried me for a good while lol.
       
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    22. bobvann
      Badass

      bobvann Member

      Location:
      Inside the vortex
      Tinnitus Since:
      April 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud shit
      After the last bout of sound therapy failed and having tried CBT oil, and when I realized the "options" will not do anything, that somehow changed my mental focus, making it a bit easier to forge ahead like "fuck it".
       
    23. LilCC

      LilCC Member

      Location:
      Florida, U.S
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Exposure to loud noises
      Thank you! I don’t think antidepressants would help with pain hyperacusis, and even though I have really bad tinnitus, I can for the most part tolerate it, what I struggle with the most is noxacusis, the pain sometimes gets so unbearable, feels like I’m constantly being stabbed deep in my ear. I also have pulsatile tinnitus, TTTS etc. If I could only get some relief from the pain that’d be great, I mean I’m homebound, I can’t venture outside without paying for it late in the week. Shit even avoiding noise does not help sometimes. I heard benzos could help for pain, but from what I have seen it’s a double-edged sword. I have not really seen anybody find anything good for the pain, and those who do end up relapsing get stuck in a bigger hell. Anybody have any advice for noxacusis pain?
       
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    24. LilCC

      LilCC Member

      Location:
      Florida, U.S
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Exposure to loud noises
      Those treatments are what give me a dim light of hope and honestly are the only thing keeping me alive. I don’t believe in miracles, but I hope there is a miracle and those treatments are able to help each and every single one of us.
       
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    25. Shizune
      Alone

      Shizune Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Location:
      The bell tower
      Tinnitus Since:
      H: 6/2020 T: 7/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Chemical inhalation+Too many sleeping drugs
      The ENT I went to said some stuff about hyperacusis being linked to depression or starting in the same part of the brain, and that the treatment is tricyclic antidepressants. I don't really believe that and I haven't seen any recent research to back it up, but it still sadly is being contested whether it's a brain issue, ear issue, or both, and of course everyone is different. I'm mostly going to take them for the chance they may help, plus appeasing social security. I won't be getting them until August so I won't be able to report back anything but if you do go the antidepressants route then maybe you should try those particular kinds. I'm not sure which is the best one though.

      Also I mentioned GABA the other day. I did get pain but I also noticed that my ear "jumped" less when reacting to sounds. I haven't taken it since then but I may try again as a test. But like I said, your mileage may very well vary. I know it sucks to be a lab rat for all this crap but on the off chance something may help even slightly, it's worth a shot.
       
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    26. David S

      David S Member Benefactor Ambassador

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      @LilCC, I am struggling with severe reactive tinnitus. I would not completely exclude a high dose of SSRI. I would also consider sound generators at a very low level. The combo helped me a lot in the past and I think that I see some minimal improvement this time around as well. Both need quite a lot of dedication to get started with.
       
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    27. LilCC

      LilCC Member

      Location:
      Florida, U.S
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Exposure to loud noises
      I don’t think sound generators would be a good idea considering I can barely tolerate any noise. I see how it would work for tinnitus, but I haven’t seen anyone report good news on sound generators or TRT being effective at treating noxacusis. I have been looking at the forums and most people only seem to get slightly better with time, and that’s a big if.
       
    28. LilCC

      LilCC Member

      Location:
      Florida, U.S
      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Exposure to loud noises
      I mean I could try antidepressants, but it seems like a lot of people get nasty side effects worse than the condition itself. I know there are a couple of us here with severe noxacusis, so I’m trying to see what they have found works for their pain.
       
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    29. dan
      Chatty

      dan Member Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Toronto, Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2011
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud noise
      Why? Your April postings seem very optimistic...
       
    30. Shizune
      Alone

      Shizune Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Location:
      The bell tower
      Tinnitus Since:
      H: 6/2020 T: 7/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Chemical inhalation+Too many sleeping drugs
      Yeah I'm not gonna lie to you, side effects aren't great. And with tinnitus and hyperacusis it's an even bigger gamble on what they might do. I don't have chronic noxacusis so I can't really answer what can and can't ease the pain for certain, but just saying if you do decide to go the AD route, tricyclic may show improvements. I don't have enough info on them though, and when searching "noxacusis" and "pain hyperacusis" on the AD thread I didn't see much come up.

      It's really a mixed bag for everyone. I think a person who took GABA with improvements I once saw had noxacusis. It really just depends. And unfortunately you also gotta deal with things maybe working for a bit and then suddenly reversing and making things worse. I remember seeing a guy who said NMN worked well for his noxacusis for a few weeks but then suddenly it came back and was getting worse.
       
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