Suicidal

Good point.

The other problem with wearing earplugs so often is the tinnitus is more isolated, seems louder and nothing masks it - obviously. It seems like more noises hurt my ear and aggravate the tinnitus. I can't wear them all the time!!! :-(

I own Peltor earmuffs but they hurt my ears after a short time - it's the 'clamping' pressure.

The amount of tones and volume (of the tinnitus) is unbearable. I wish I knew, concretely, what to do to avoid spikes and aggravation of it. I assume there's nothing I can do that alleviates or reduces it so...

 

What scares me from earplugs and earmuffs too much is that people get tinnitus from having impacted earwax which creates sound deprivation. So could earplugs and earmuffs also create that same scenario?

 

@Marshall, I wonder what the symptoms of impacted earwax are? I use earplugs a lot. I wonder if I have developed that somehow?

 

My wife bought me a little USB camera you stick in your ear and you can see on your laptop camera. Try one of those. They are pretty neat.

 

There are a lot of stories on here from people who’ve gotten tinnitus from impacted earwax and even permanently so.

 

I am about to buy this book. I hope it helps me as much as it’s seems to have helped you. I am very close to reaching my limit on how much more suffering I can take.

 

It really sucks and I’m sorry. I’m getting terrible sleep here.

 

I have this book. It's a tough read. I wish there was a guide somewhere on which chapters/pages were important to read because the author goes on tangents.

 

I feel you. Shit's way too loud with protection.

 

Thanks for the heads up. At this point I’m willing to change my whole life to try and feel a bit better. I’m thinking I need to quit my job and just concentrate on my health.

 

Man things are shit. Constantly pleading with a god I don't even believe in.

 

I’ve fallen into deep depression, too many tragedies have plagued me recently. I hope there is at least a treatment soon, I don’t see how I can keep on living like this. I am a prisoner of my own body, these godam forsaken 4 walks have become my cell. Music, my only escape from this system has been taken from me, and to top it all I miss my girlfriend, why did she have to end her life, I guess I understand in a way, life is a fucking tragedy. I miss you, and I miss my music

I contemplate suicide on a daily basis, it’s not like before where I would consider it, I now sometimes have this huge impulses to go get a gun and blow my brains out. I’ll keep surviving for now I guess.

 

Maybe if you get through it you can tell me which parts to read

I know what you mean about quitting the job.

First couple months after quitting my job I felt really good overall, but the stress of finding a new one has taken over.

 

Hellraiser Scene Frank's Death

For those that scoff or ridicule the suicidal sufferers, they should understand their sufferings, why they think the way they do, or why they do what they ultimately do.

Catastrophic tinnitus and hyperacusis are like a horror movie come true. They’re living that movie. Imagine “Hellraiser,” a sordid tale where a troubled man meets his demise. Curiosity leads to catastrophe, pleasure turns to pain, and the blood keeps running like a sadist’s wet dream. Anyone who doesn’t understand, watch the scene (attached, “Hellraiser Scene Frank’s Death” on YouTube). Its atmospheric dread and despair captures the essence of these problems. At their worst, this is what they’re like, where tinnitus and hyperacusis come for us with such possessive madness, all their tools to taunt and plague, their pillar of souls on hand; their trophies and chains, blood-soaked smiles, and damning retribution; where pleas and appeals for help or mercy are fiendishly denied; where the chains and shackles tear our flesh into a thousand screams at night. And this process, like the movie, is never-ending. It keeps happening over and over; eternal suffering; a loop. It’s “hell.” Warning — not for the faint of heart.

For those who question why tinnitus or hyperacusis would lead to serious trauma or suicide, I can help shed some light on why. When they’re catastrophic, your life becomes an endless loop of hells, like a portal was opened to another dimension — one of suffering, blackness, total despair; one of madness, pain, tears of “blood.” At their worst, those who have these ailments, their worlds are just that — otherworldly dimensions. They’re incompatible with the first world; they’ve now reborn into the second. And the second is “hell,” more or less. Its total confinement, physical agony, mental anguish. Its hold over time and space is fiendish; our peace-of-mind is dead; reflections of the past and life decisions, they’re all enemies now. Our lives are put on trial and we beat ourselves up, endlessly. Even the good memories become bad because we mourn our former lives, what led up to this point, all that self-blame. It’s like “hell,” a place devoid of light and a place that thrives on emotions, the terrible kind.

I have severe — sometimes catastrophic — tinnitus and hyperacusis. It varies back and forth. But the tinnitus causes physical pain, electricity running through the ears. I get zapping that’s sharp and random. I also have a low frequency hum that vibrates, a low drill, and the jet engines that oscillate. Those can get loud, too. My hyperacusis is severe — the homebound kind; the kind where sounds hurt even with double protection.

I don’t encourage suicide and, personally, don’t believe it’s an option for myself, but I do understand why some are compelled to do it. But I don’t encourage it because of my spiritual beliefs and uncertainty surrounding the afterlife. There’s a school-of-thought where some believe we could potentially take these ailments with us into the netherworld... if we don’t go to a heavenly place, that is. That’s a terrifying thought, too — to kill yourself to escape, only to find there is no escape. Believing what I believe about heaven and hell and these conditions, I wouldn’t doubt that for a second. I come from a Christian background.

These problems can be absolutely diabolical, where every attempt to fix them is met with counteraction; where the simplest things devise their ways to ruin our love for life. With no guarantees that we’ll ever get better and no effective medical treatments, many feel hopeless. I understand them. I do encourage people to hold on. I believe hope is coming eventually, hopefully soon. Check out the Research News and Treatments sections. And I encourage prayer to God.

 

What kind of music you like?

 

I feel your pain in so many ways my brother. I love you. You have a brother in me to the end and beyond.

 

This was exactly how I was yesterday. I had to ask my partner to come pick me up because I knew if I wasn’t with him, I would do something to hurt myself. I was sitting in my car thinking of the best ways possible to end it. My fear is, not doing it properly and ended up suffering even more than I do now.

 

@Jerad, cause and treatment for brain zaps - my posts within this thread #7864 & #7866. Therapist friend asked for you to review these posts once again as he noticed that you are composing long posts which requires constant side to side eye movement.

 

@Steph1710, seems like a really good step to take. I can also highly recommend The Power Of Now by Echkart Tolle if you don’t know it already. I think it’s somewhat similar and could be really good in conjunction with those practices.

 

@Steph1710, @LilCC, hope you guys can keep finding ways to carry on somehow. <3

 

I've thought about suicide, but I could never go through with it. But I understand why people do it. Naomi Judd took that final step because of mental illness. She didn't have tinnitus (as far as I know), buy she did write a book about living with depression. And in the end, it was too much for her.

I had a near-mental breakdown this past Saturday night. I spent an hour at the pharmacy waiting for them to fill my depression prescriptions, and by the time I got home, everything just caught up with me. The buzzing in my head and ears was as loud as I can remember, so I just burst into tears. I thought I was going to have to drive myself to the ER. I can't describe the hopelessness I felt. And I'm someone who has always kept healthy, never smoked or drank, and eaten all the foods that are supposed to keep you fit. But the mind/brain is a different animal. Anyway, I managed to get though that night without doing anything rash. I just started taking a booster drug (Abilify) for my current antidepressant (Pristiq). At the end of May, I will have been on the AD for two months. If I still feel as crappy as I do now, I'll be having a conversation with my doctor.

And it's probably a waste of money, but I'm going back to see my ENT whom I haven't seen in close to ten years. But he's recognized as one of the best on the East Coast (United States). In fact, he will only see patients by referral. It's yet another attempt at getting to the bottom of why I had a relapse after four years of virtual silence. I'll get another hearing test to see if hearing aids might help.

I might even go to a chiropractor. At this stage of the game, I'd be willing to go to a witch doctor.

LilCC, I'm very sorry to hear about your girlfriend. I had a cousin who took his own life when he was in his 50s. He had beaten cancer but was convinced it would return. That, and some kind of custody battle with his ex-wife just proved to be too much for him. I've been through hell myself with tinnitus and depression. If you've never considered getting on an antidepressant, you should talk to your doctor. It's a better option than blowing your brains out.

 

Yeah, mine seems to be getting worse and worse with now insane loud mid-tones, in addition to my original high pitch noise. And yes, no more fluctuations for me either - unless it's for the worse.

May I ask do you sleep in silence or do you have some noise machine going? I used to be able to sleep in silence with my high pitched noises because I was habituated to them, but these new mid-tones are kicking my ass.

You have described me here.

 

I love all types of music, but what really got me into this mess was techno music.

Thank you brother! We’ll keep on surviving for now :/

Yes that’s also one of my fears, I wanted to read this book called The Final Exit, it has some ways to do it without pain. I want to have options ready just in case. I really don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to suffer anymore.

Thank you for the encouragement, I’ll keep on fighting for now.

I mean even if I were to get on antidepressants it wouldn’t change the fact that I am completely physically destroyed. I have severe hyperacusis, moderate to severe tinnitus, anxiety, depression and the list goes on. The antidepressant will just be a small bandage that will eventually break and only prolong my suffering. I refuse to be on antidepressants because I doubt they will help with the physical pain I feel.

 

Trying to sleep is still really difficult. I'm lucky if I get 8 hours. Lately, I've had acoustic traumas leading to spikes and ear pain - like a loud dog bark, brakes from a truck or van and a smoke alarm - recently. Tinnitus still seems worse in the right ear but the "spread throughout the brain" perception too. The best I can describe it.

JUST SO DAMN LOUD. Probably over two years ago, I used those 'tinnitus apps' or nature sound apps on smartphones to help sleep but they are useless now. The tinnitus is just too loud.

I use a box fan in another room and keep my bedroom door open. It's loud but the droning noise somewhat masks the tinnitus. I wouldn't say it 'helps' but I don't have anything better. I might want to try a normal oscillating fan eventually - but, one I previously had wasn't any more helpful than the apps. Tinnitus was just too loud over it. Trying to sleep is a challenge. I need to be extremely tired. I miss the silence before tinnitus - wow, normal people take that for granted, don't they?

 

I began to look into supplements again preparing for my forced drugging and tried GABA since I heard of people taking it for tinnitus and hyperacusis. Well whaddya know, nothing but pain today. I don't usually get pain with my hyperacusis, just severe loudness and electric shock feelings, but this happening the day after I take it can't be coincidental. Why does everything that's supposed to help just hinder me instead? I swear god or whomever designed me on opposite day.

 

I wanted to take GABA for hyperacusis, to see if it would help with the pain.

 

@Shizune, are your electrical shocks caused by hyperacusis or tinnitus? I have both severe tinnitus and hyperacusis, and I get the electrical zap-like shocks, but it’s from the tinnitus sound itself with me. I hear the sharp tinnitus tone and then feel the shock. It’s physical pain.

 

Same with my latest bout with sound therapy.

Nothing but worse worse worse.

 

Yeah same bro, music was the death of me. It literally was a drug and now I’m having withdrawals and paying the price... I love all EDM. I was a big shuffler, literally what makes me feel free. My love for music all started with rock and metal tho.

 

I was a huge shuffler too! I would shuffle all day at music festivals. It was my escape, such glorious times. Remembering those times gives me a huge feeling of sorrow, I can’t believe I will never have those moments again, all I have left are memories. Music was truly something especial, if I ever felt down I knew music would be there to get me out of my darkest moments, I lost the one thing that kept me alive I watch videos of me shuffling and I remember how extremely happy I was, not one ounce of sadness in me. Just thinking of everything I lost. I use to also love dancing salsa, as every Hispanic usually does. I loved all types of music, oldies James Brown etc.

What a true tragedy this disease is, it will take everything you hold dear.