Suicidal

I'd do anything for tinnitus to be lower and some stability. This is insanely loud and worse than prison trapped inside.

 

This just takes away everything it is to be a man. I want to go out and protect my woman. Be there for anytime and anywhere. Use a hammer/tools to build and fix things. I just can't believe it. Everyday I wake up to this horrible hell. It takes everything from you. Everything. Forced to sit inside twiddling your thumbs to pass the time. This is the most evil condition on earth.

 

In my hearing, I got around to tell the "judge" that I (practically) always feel suicidal.

There's one guy here who posts certain states that echo my sentiments almost exactly.

The only difference is I would add my own/personal/subjective perspective and that's: I am afraid of death and I am not religious - so it's a scary proposition. I just need to get around that or the acceptance which is really difficult for me. The torture of tinnitus will eventually win out. I won't become an old senior or anything like that. I truly believe my cause of death will eventually be suicide unless I get in some sort of fatal accident.

But, you guys who describe loud, tinnitus hell - yeah, that's me, too. It's not getting better. I just try to avoid getting worse. I have hyperacusis and noxacusis, too. Therefore, I am always trying to avoid tinnitus spikes and ear pain.

 

Not the most evil but way up there for sure. It’s a deteriorating worsening condition that doesn’t kill you but causes so much torture nobody can see.

Just got to find ways to hang in there and hope for the best. Some do get better but take a very long time. Don’t blame yourself either, a lot of us made the mistake of trying things and got worse. Nobody knows truly how to fix this for everyone.

 

You, Jerad and Dan - your posts echo my sentiments so much.

I watched a YouTube video of a guy talking about his tinnitus. It's pretty long and he rambles a lot. But, one particular comment stood out for me. People who don't have LOUD, SEVERE tinnitus can never relate or fully comprehend what we go through. Even though we all have different states and levels of the tinnitus sounds we hear or perceive - the loud volumes just crush you. Only if you insist you have something like that, can you relate at all.

I hate that politicians, lawyers, doctors and psychiatrists among other professionals have so much power and can decide our fates and control our lives: they can and often make it worse by ignoring us or just not helping at all. Tinnitus is the invisible condition. If it's extreme or severely loud, few care or consider that at all.

 

Yeah I dunno what else to do other than get the gumption by end of year to kill myself. The tinnitus is just so loud it limits me in what I do in every moment of the day. I truly love life and everything in it, but when I can't enjoy a single second of being awake because of how loud my tinnitus is and by the time I get to bed it's screaming even louder (and it already starts off screaming), what do you do?

 

There are some here with extremely loud tinnitus and they somehow manage. I think @fishbone, @MindOverMatter and @GeorgeLG come to mind. Maybe somehow you can alleviate some distress with their techniques. It’s a shot in the dark but anything can help. I understand you’re very severe and I’m not trying to gaslight.

 

I’m starting to pee a ton and I’m constantly thirsty especially at night. I know where this is headed so I need to nip it in the bud. I’m downing so much energy drinks and sugar because of the lack of sleep, 2-4 hours a night, and then I work full time. I’ve been worsening every 2-3 months and when I start to habituate something changes. I can handle the chaotic patterns but not a new pattern if that makes sense.

 

If it was just extremely loud tinnitus and not reacting to all audio, I could handle it. If it let me go do anything other than sit at home trying to guard from the countless motors that drive by my house that sound like they are driving by my room I'd be ok. I could deal with screaming stable tinnitus that let me go do stuff. It would be hell but I'd just work out, listen to music and play music and get on with each day.

When it's combined with all these symptoms together it's so limiting and my mom just thinks it's my mind, she blames OCD and depression and says if I could get those under control then I would be able to return to normal life... like there isn't something physically damaged here holding me back. I am very strong mentally and physically, 6 foot 6 athlete that anytime depression got me down before, I went and ran or biked. Now all I can do is go bench press and push ups and pull ups and squats which still make it worse but I have to do something each day. It's maddening when doctors and loved ones push you to get worse when you told them what you need.

Peace and quiet and no drugs, but they push you to do loud things still. Then your parents think you are crazy so they storm into your house and push you to the hospital where they dope you up and send you to the psych ward and of course I'm too nice and a people pleaser and in the end it's all my fault. Truly sad that there isn't more awareness for this shit.

I'll sadly be another statistics here soon too unless I can somehow survive years of torture and months of slow benzo taper I'm trying to do. Seriously though my tinnitus is now some of the worst tinnitus on the planet in terms of loudness and how loud it screams electrically. If I developed noxacusis or zaps with this, I would definitely be gone even sooner.

 

The sad thing is doctors and audiologists recommend a lot of things, and if you worsen it’s pretty much “oh well”. Their life goes on while you’re stuck with the worsening. This is why a treatment plan shouldn’t be a one size fits all approach.

 

Y'all take care. I love y'all. I am sorry. I made all the wrong choices and got pushed in all the wrong ways with this. The tinnitus is screaming louder than a jet powering up on a runway. I hope everyone makes it to treatment. ❤️

 

You've threatened to commit suicide one too many times now, it no longer registers really. Just get help. Go to psych ward even if they pump you full of drugs. How much worse could you get? Two jets powering up on a runway? So try all the help available!

 

I understand your thoughts.

My parents pushing me to the hospital and psych ward and them pumping me full of benzos is the reason I am so suicidal now. You obviously don't realize how much worse it can get. Sadly with this condition it can always get worse. Stay off drugs and away from doctors if you want to have a chance with this shit.

Believe me. Tinnitus has no limit to how loud it can get.

 

Just need to rant here...

I'm just so damn tired of this inhumane isolating prison. Seeing life pass me by day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year, not able to get "on the train of life" with everybody else. Just had my 36th birthday, another year spent on nothing, but just existing... and being hit by new seemingly chronic tormenting physical and psychological symptoms as time passes.

How much longer is this supposed to go on? How much longer can I bear it? My family just doesn't get it. They know I struggle, but they refuse to face the facts: that this way of life is not livable in the long run, and that if something doesn't give soon, I will not stand a chance of growing old. This is such a destructive way to "live". I feel my mind and body get broken down at a rapid pace. It really is the beginning of the end. All my heart yearns for is to sit down with my family and finally have that discussion of euthanasia, because I really believe more and more as time passes, that that's where all this will end. I can not keep up this way. I am a ghost in this world. I can not keep doing this... I can not...

 

Don't give up dude. You are young and haven't had it that long. You can get better.

 

Love you @Chinmoku.

 

Thank you, Daniel. I'm too sick to write much right now, the pain is extreme. I hope you are relatively ok, old friend, you and your family. Thank you for remembering me. I love you. Also I think @Uklawyer was asking if I made it safely back to the UK, yeah I made it back to the UK my dear friend but not safely, the pain is impossible. I'm trying to stick around for my kids but it's torture, I can't hold on much longer. I hope some type of help arrives soon but I know it's mostly wishful thinking. Love you all who are struggling to stay alive. I'm right there with you.

 

I am so sorry @Chinmoku. It's cruel. Life is cruel. I wish there was something you could try that could help. LSD, Psilocybin (with someone that know what they are doing), shot of benzos, and turn this thing around.

We are with you, my friend.

 

1 more year everyone. Just make it 1 more year.

The Susan Shore device works. We're close the the finish line for something that can greatly reduce volume and intrusiveness.

 

I hope you’re right. What makes you think it’ll definitely work? I can’t use earbuds or headphones, though. I’m gonna have to try it on a speaker.

 

Is this true? Does Dr. Susan Shore have an official website to follow up with the updates and whatnot?

 

Anecdotal reports from a couple of users on this forum who were part of the study, and the first trial's results in the Susan Shore thread.

 

Ever been checked for diabetes symptoms of peeing and sugar intake? Yeah I'd say diabetes because I went through the same thing.

 

Yeah pre-diabetic. Need to start dumping the sugar and caffeine. I don’t get much sleep because of this crap on top of sleep apnea.

 

This is such a stupid condition.

 

That will probably be nice for tinnitus but the pain sufferers probably won't even be able to use it let alone help the pain. Lol sorry to be a downer on your positive message but that device sounds good for tinnitus sufferers only.

Even then though, if people recovered from tinnitus with that device, they would still always be at risk of developing hyperacusis so would need to stay vigilant.

 

Hi brother.

Get rid of the sugar, it's easy. You won't miss it after a few days, honest.

Drink fizzy water, sparkling water with lemon.

Coffee is fine. Eat your vegetables, get in shape, you will feel better for yourself and your son.

I have faith in you brother, we can't control tinnitus, but with effort we can bring our blood pressure down and get rid of diabetes.

Please give it a try, you are important to us and your family.

Peace.

P.S. I don't sleep, and don't give a toss. You'll sleep when you are knackered.

 

Yes it is, so are all chronic conditions that make you suffer. Stay strong!

 

It's a club I certainly don't want to be a part of!

 

Thanks for the kind words <3