Suicidal

I try to stay away from this thread and focus on improving my thinking so it's easier to bear this affliction. But now I need to write something here. I haven't posted in this thread since forever. It's been a very, very difficult day.

I was supposed to take a jog before bed, but I felt so defeated with this loud, electric shrill and I've been feeling semi-food poisoned this week so running was out of the question. I decided to go for a walk instead so I got SOME movement at least. I walked the route I use for jogging - walked past a house in that neighbourhood. There was a party in the garden there with people eating snacks and light BBQ and playing some music - not insanely loud like a concert, but loud enough to bother the neighbours. It was early Micheal Jackson. People were dancing and laughing. I haven't been to a party like that in over 10 years.

I suddenly felt the weight of the last 10 years all at once. When I was in my 20s I hated my life. I hated how difficult everything was and I was putting all my money on my 30s. That was when I was going to do all the most wonderful things in my life. Produce creative works. Meet lots of women. Settle with one and travel the world. I haven't done a single thing of that. Instead I've been hiding in a poorly lit basement, depressed out of my mind with tinnitus. I would give an arm and my soul to go back to my 20s now. When I saw that garden party I was instantly reminded what it felt like to be carefree and not having to worry about things like how loud the music is. I was instantly reminded that I haven't smiled and felt like I'm having fun with my friends in a decade. I haven't danced with other people in just as long.

I'm sobbing my face off as I'm writing this. I can't believe how unbelievably cruel and unfair life is. I have never felt so motivated to get rid of this as now - but I have also never felt as hopeless. I'll be on my 4 year anniversary next week and I'm not coping any better with this than I did one year ago. One Valsalva and bam - permanent torture for life? What kind of joke is that? Slowly rotting away while your brain decays and the light in your eyes dies as you're suffering and you watch all your friends post family pictures on Facebook?

I think I can muster up the courage to stab myself multiple times if the Dr. Shore device fails. Because I cannot live like this.

 

I am so sorry you feel so desperate. I can really relate, having extremely loud tinnitus, in addition to a bunch of other debilitating symptoms.

I'm writing to say that it is possible to habituate even when your tinnitus is very loud. I don't know how long you've had it, but I've had mine for a very long time, and it has been difficult. But, over time, even though I can sometimes hear it over an idling semitruck, I don't even remember that it's there.

I got so tired of dealing with all the symptoms, and had realized that they were apparently going to just keep popping up and staying or not, that I decided to start volunteering. That turned into a job, and I have been able to hold my own for a year and seven months now.

Don't get me wrong, tinnitus - and other things - still bother me, sometimes quite a lot. But the hopefulness I get from the tinnitus being in the shadows quite a bit of the time is a boon to my existence. Also, in my belief system, it won't help to kill yourself. I'm not going to go into details, but it would, basically, be a waste of time.

At any rate, I hope you feel better soon. Life is so daily, I know, but we need to do the best we can for ourselves. We deserve it! The world benefits from our presence and we can benefit from many things that are in the world.

Please let us know how you are getting along, whenever you feel like it. And that you for sharing your story - it is a very important one, as is everyone's!

 

I'm sorry to hear this. I just wanted to tell you a few things that might help you...

Just remember, this party you saw, there is definitely people there who are dealing with other things in life. Are they exactly the same as yours? Probably not but many people have their own problems.

Secondly, I guarantee there was someone else there with tinnitus as it's so common. Your severity may be worse and that is a big factor so I'm not discrediting you.

Another thing I've found out over the years in life is just try to do your best and try to enjoy the moment. I too thought certain years would be better than others and things were completely different. We have no clue what our future holds. When I was in my teens I couldn't wait to become an adult, when I became a adult, I wanted to go back to my teens etc.

I hope you can heal and get this under control. It definitely isn't easy.

 

I had the same kind of feelings today while watching videos of people doing things in social gatherings and thinking about how I can't do that right now. If there wasn't a chance of getting better at all, then I would feel suicidal, damn I felt suicidal sometimes before I even got tinnitus, but life is worth living even if we need to endure this torture for much of it.

You don't need to put all your hopes on that one device. There is a huge focus on regen drugs now more so than ever and while it will probably take a long time for them to be released, one of them will surely work.

Also, if you really were actually feeling suicidal, then you should at least try using BCP-157. It's probably the highest hit rate of actually healing tinnitus I've seen, even though it doesn't work for everyone and some people get bad side effects but if you're really being suicidal then at least try everything to fix the noise first. I am not a doctor so this recommendation may be very bad but anything is worth a shot before the big S as long as it won't make you drastically worse.

 

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm just terrified of the process.

 

Friends, I am a 49-year-old woman who has lived with this condition for 20 years. It appeared to fire up after taking just a few antidepressants. Since then I have been incredibly gun shy taking any medications and also steered well clear of the COVID-19 "vaxx's" which I have no regrets about. I also have an anxiety disorder which doesn't work well with tinnitus. I have had my ups and downs, spikes that come and go.

Ending my life is not an option and shouldn't be yours either even though this can be gut-wrenching to attempt to deal with. But you will and you must. If I can offer some advice or comfort in anyway this I will do in a heartbeat.

 

This pain hyperacusis is absolutely the worst thing in existence. I get severe pain from noises through double hearing protection. I mean for a while I was ok homebound and had a little routine going on, could run at night with an earplug in and earmuffs in hand. Could play some video games, watch TV on super low volume. All from me squeaking my shoes a few times and a few times of my dad moving his chair that made a few screeches, then a few bad noises from the TV, and now my bad ear is just hell. I can’t even stop this from getting worse even though I’m home 99.99 percent of the time. My stabs get more painful, and they are easier to set off every time, other noises set off the deep burning razor wire and aching so severe I’ve been yacking all week.

I got talking back too, which was amazing. Now it’s gone again. Now I’m getting pain from new low level noises. It just doesn’t stop man, this is an absolute nightmare. I can’t function. I’m in so much pain. I’m literally going to have to lock myself in a soundproof room for the rest of my life just to maintain the little sound tolerance I have left. Truly don’t know what I did to deserve this.

 

Most of society is out of touch. They don’t understand true suffering. They’ve seen pain and heartache, but never pure hell, which is a whole other level of torment. Imagine being so chronically ill that you’re trapped in a room forevermore, and even that room offers no escape or restitution. That level of suffering, they can’t fathom. The biblical description of “Hell” comes to mind. The people of this world, they haven’t seen it before, haven’t been brushed by its wrath, haven't been burnt by its all-consuming fire. The pain is unrecognizable, the smell of sulfur and flesh in the rotting air, beyond foreign.

For example, society often demonstrates its lack of understanding when it cites cancer as the worst-case scenario of suffering. Well, there have been a few documented accounts of people who suffered with it, only to later get severe tinnitus and hyperacusis after beating the cancer. They said the latter ailments, tinnitus and hyperacusis, were even worse. Cancer sucks, of course, but many believe it has merciful elements that extreme tinnitus/hyperacusis don't offer. For starters, it will kill you. So it’s a self-resolving conflict. Nature provides a form of dignity to the sufferer, an “out” to spare them of the mess that’s been dished-out, so an “end” to the seemingly endless pain.

If you fight cancer, you may win and be cured, which is great, but if you lose that fight, you’re provided a merciful exit in the form of death. The worst thing about extreme tinnitus and hyperacusis, when they become chronic, is that there is no fight. And they’ll never affect your mortality. They can always get worse, but they’ll never make you even a hair closer to death. Problem is, when they’re really bad, the sufferer can’t live and can’t die either. So like a helpless puppet, they’re probed and prodded, trapped in a never-ending tug-of-war between life and death, peril and destruction, a paradox that offers no hope and no resolutions.

The quality-of-life for a cancer sufferer is much higher than that of the severe tinnitus/hyperacusis sufferer. They can still be around people, go out, listen to music, do all the bare essentials of life WITHOUT making their condition worse. And that’s key. Their condition is not affected by a car ride, or going to the grocery, or having a conversation with a friend. Those things don’t make them worse. Imagine a sickness that’s so diabolical that just trying to breathe and live makes it worse, even with protection. You don’t need to imagine it. It already exists with severe tinnitus/hyperacusis.

Society just needs to understand these things and stop minimizing our suffering. In my opinion, why there isn’t more research or funding for a treatment / cure is baffling. Something that doesn’t kill you, yet leaves you in a state of perpetual torture, should take precedence. Like it or not, when a disease or disorder kills you, that’s a form of “treatment.” Cancer already has many forms of treatment. For severe tinnitus and hyperacusis sufferers, we are not provided that luxury. I pray to God for help and healing because I know He understands this terrible predicament.

 

Well said, very well said, society will never understand. They think they know suffering. They have no idea what true suffering is.

 

Feeling pretty done. I’d never actually off myself as I’ve got kids but fuck. 3.5 years in, 24/7 as bad as it was in the first seconds, the only difference is that I’ve learned to compartmentalize my reaction so I’m not freaking out.

Now though I’ve evidently improved my brain function over the last couple of years (no idea of actual preinjury baseline), clearly I’ve been struggling through some TBI symptoms as well and not sure which are after effects of that vs severe tinnitus.

I’ve tried everything (therapy, hearing aids, SSRI, benzo, Lenire, energy healers, meditation, traditional healers, supplements, acupuncture, chiropractor, clean living) and not a thing has made a spit of difference. No matter what, it’s louder than everything (except a dentist drill) all the time, piercing, fluctuating, changing, multi-sound.

The only thing I keep coming back to is I’ve just got to get stronger, I have to push through the pain and function no matter what. It’s the only answer I have, as I can’t leave this earth, to continually increase my ability to bear pain without it showing in my face, increase my ability to put on a smile and engage. But fuck it is a joyless way to spend my remaining decades, plus as strong as I get, tinnitus/TBI still diminishes my patience, focus, and desire. Just survival.

Rant over, time to get over it and on with it. Sigh.

 

I'm starting to think life isn't worth living anymore.

Everyday I think that maybe tomorrow will be better, except it's always worse. I can't get enjoyment out of anything anymore, this stupid sound just sucks away all the enjoyment and my will to do anything. At this point I'd rather not hear anything and be completely deaf, because listening to things with a loud screeching added to it is no fun and makes for trying to understand anything a real chore.

It also really opened my eyes on how shit research is and how all anybody really cares about is making money.

Every night I secretly wish to die in my sleep because I'm too much of a coward to actually off myself.

Apologies for being so negative.

 

Yeah, this ordeal with extreme tinnitus and noxacusis has opened my eyes similarly.

These conditions get almost zero in funding. By comparison, AIDS gets 28 billion a year, Parkinson’s 52 billion, cancer 6 billion. Tinnitus and hyperacusis, at their worst, are definitely among the most debilitating conditions on the planet. A lot of military vets get these ailments, too, but the government doesn’t care. Otherwise, they’d be funding research and treatments. I think it’s shameful and almost criminal, tbh, the way money’s spent. The 2 million (million, not billion) given to Prof. Tzounopoulos by the DoD is a joke — cookie crumbs. You need billions for medical breakthroughs. A lot of health conditions that don’t currently have treatments could be helped if money was properly managed. Space exploration gets 54 billion a year — more than anything. Crazy! I think we have enough pictures of the cosmos to last a century; meanwhile, people are rotting away in beds and solitude.

 

Aren't you thirsty due to the high levels of sugar in energy drinks? Also - sugar can spike tinnitus and they put other junk in energy drinks, caffeine etc, all bad for tinnitus.

Ah - I see others have mentioned it.

 

In the sense that your brain thinks it is doing you a favour - yes it is stupid.

Best evidence against intelligent design there is.

 

And that there is nothing to overcome, there is no victory to be had, there is no lesson to be learned (that wasn’t learned in the first year).

 

Yeah man, it’s dumb, but I don’t get much sleep and still have to work lol. Sucks.

 

Into my 4th month with tinnitus. I've had multiple worsenings and don't see much hope like I did in the start. Ears are the loudest yet. Too many tones and I cannot function. Everything bother my ears and makes the tones go up. I cannot wear earplugs as these also make my ears overly sensitive and seem to also drive up the volume. Cannot work, cannot go out.

Made many mistakes in these last few months, the result is being in this thread now.

I'm also taking a lot of supplements and nothing is helping. Ears were always sensitive to sound since taking Zoloft in my 20s. Never had a clue what was ahead or I would have done things very differently. Fuck this.

Worst of all... I've scoured the success stories, there are very few. It never goes away... it gets worse. It's too much.

 

@MaxRabbit, I fully sympathise with you. This condition robs you of a life when it gets past a certain point.

I too scour the success stories (on my anxiety ridden days), I think just to make myself feel better and give me that little bit of hope that one day, in a few more months or years, it'll get better like it did the first time.

I feel some days it sounds less intrusive, then BAM, here it is again. It's being alive while almost feeling dead imo.

 

Not everyone gets better and not one treatment works for all.

 

@Jerad, your descriptions of these horrors and of the flaws of our society in addressing them are very poignant. I agree. I don't know how to go on myself, and there's so much impossible pain in this thread. Let's take consolation in impermanence: nothing stays the same forever. This pain will end at some point, one way or another.

 

Look at the bright side of things: you live in Denmark, which is a fantastic country, and generally not noisy at all... and you are young! You never know what life can bring in the future, maybe good things!

 

You'll get used to it.

 

My mother asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I told her a coffin. She wasn't very impressed with that response but it is what it is.

 

I would be lying if I didn't entertain similar thoughts from time to time. However, I have lived alongside severe tinnitus for nearly 10 years now. It has worsened since late October last year. Thinking it is either antibiotics and/or menopause. Either way, I get to coexist with a cacophony of hissing throughout my head and ears.

I refuse to believe there is nothing that can be done to improve things. This is because I know of people personally, who have improved with LDN, Curcumin, Quercetin, MSM, Boswellia, CBD, and mushrooms.

You're not being negative. It is good to vent. You're not alone in your struggle.

 

For people with severe noxacusis, would sleeping in a coffin, like Dracula, help? Sounds funny, but seriously, would it? It might block out all sounds. I can’t escape these crickets that are annoying my ears through the windows, even. And I can’t wear plugs to sleep. Tried and it spikes me. Seems that every room of the house has annoying sounds. Once the crickets are gone in the next month, I should be okay.

 

If it doesn’t worsen, maybe.

 

Try not to beat yourself up over mistakes or what you could have done better Max. I did some dumb stuff like using a vacuum without protection almost right after onset because it was just something I did without thinking about it, I had no knowledge on anything about tinnitus/hyperacusis or hearing damage at all until it happened (and then we panic search the internet and become experts in mere days).

There are so many things we could have done better to prevent our situation but this is where we are now and we just have to deal with it in the best way we can.

 

I should correct my statement to: I made many mistakes in these last few weeks in particular that were short sighted and caused major damage.

Thank you for trying to relieve blame though. I was just overwhelmed and not doing the best I could have.

 

@MaxRabbit, you did what you thought was right at the time. Mistakes have been made and you'll get past that and lose the negativity attached to that. Easier said than done and I'm guilty of that myself sometimes or should I say mostly lol. Hope things start turning around for you

 

I’ve made many mistakes even after knowing lol. Don’t beat yourself up.