Suicidal

I do sometimes entertain the thought that we may regain our health again. In my view, it shouldn't be outside the realm of possibility, as we once lived a life that wasn't plagued by these ear problems, and that healthy "circuitry" should not be impossible to reestablish.

What if we, within our lifetime regain our peace and freedom? - What would that leave us? Some of us would carry an experience, having gone from (what can only be considered) "death" to life, from hell to paradise, from a torture prison to boundless freedom. How would that impact our view on life and death?

I can only agree that we would be one of the most resilient, having endured such unimaginable pain for so long.

 

I don't entertain the thought, I obsess over it. An all-consuming infatuation in fact.

 

It was like this for me, too, when I first got hyperacusis. I just couldn't be around people or hum or scratch my head or talk to myself because everything triggered the distortions and pain. It took about 3/4 of a year to see some improvements, so please be patient with yourself.

As for work - it's hard when your body forces you to rethink your life choices. I would advise you not to make a snap of the moment decision, even if it feels as if you can't stand the conditions for another minute. Consider your options and make arrangements according to wherever these considerations may lead you. If you make (big) choices from a position of weakness, which is usually what you do when you are acting out of desperation, you may end up in a situation that is way worse. Maybe you can take some time off or, depending on what you do and where you live, have your doctor put you on sick leave for a while, so you can solely focus on healing and working out how to best go about your job in the future.

For as long as I was "just" dealing with tinnitus, I tried to stick with my old job but when hyperacusis set in, it just wasn't possible anymore. I also used to have a job where talking was a necessity and admitting to myself that I couldn't do it any longer was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Maybe it will be different for you and all you need is a little break for your ears to recover. Be that as it may, the important thing is, at least in my opinion, to give yourself that break now and not wait for the point in time where your body / your ears make that decision for you.

All the best!

 

Mohinder Suresh:
Man is a narcissistic species by nature. We have colonized the four corners of our tiny planet. But we are not the pinnacle of so-called evolution. That honor belongs to the lowly cockroach. Capable of living for months without food. Remaining alive headless for weeks at a time. Resistant to radiation. If God has indeed created Himself in His own image, then I submit to you that God is a cockroach...

 

Not to be a downer. I agree that this could potentially make us more resilient, but at the same time I feel like a lot of us are going to be left with some form of medical trauma. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t always make you stronger. It can make you stranger. In my case, I think this is obvious. I can at least say for sure now that I no longer fear death. I really don’t. Not necessarily because I find life to be cruel, but having had to live with it for so long as some form of promise for solace, it’s become like a strange bedfelllow to me. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I will be more open to life and to the risks and opportunities that life has to offer, and I think there will be no fucks given in any field of life because of this. In that way, yeah, I guess I will have become resilient. Hehe.

 

@Damocles, @Stacken77, what was the best year/s of your life? For me it was 2015/2016. I was about a year past my divorce at that point, started going out and meeting women again, hiked around the Colorado Rockies and really focused on myself and working out. I used to be incredibly ripped and ate impeccably. I used to enjoy some cannabis over the weekends, everything was just great. Then 2020 happened and everything went downhill from there.

 

Agreed. Live your life as if you didn't have tinnitus. And they wounder why people are driven to disability.

 

For me, I'd say my years in college. 2020 was one of them. I was basically at a peak; we had some awesome projects going on and I had big dreams that were within reach. However, most of all, I felt at peace; both mentally and spiritually. My life was truly amazing, I knew it and enjoyed it.

That life ended October 25th of that year.

 

I love that video by the way - he is absolutely correct.

Despite all of the anecdotal evidence we have heard - when they evaluate chiropractics it turns out to be near useless and even dangerous. But the same goes for many other alternative therapies touted on here so I will shut up now.

 

I came back here to take another look at the site. I looked at the Research News section and it's mostly the same. Still holding onto hope for FX-322 and FX-345. Various other research going on as well, in incipient phases. At least tinnitus is not falling into obscurity.

I haven't felt suicidal in a while, but at the same time I haven't felt a sense of true happiness in a long time. Not getting that is exhausting me in my everyday life. Today I was yet again overcome with loneliness. I know what you're thinking. That's lame, or you're lucky this is the problem on your mind right now. But I am also always potentially one loud event away from getting worse and... I don't want to go through that again.

I feel alone and defeated in so many ways, when the holidays come and, more than ever, I see how non-existent my social life is. I have no girlfriend and less than a handful of friends that understand me. Who wants to love and befriend someone like me? I can barely fend for myself in this world day to day...

 

I know what you mean about it being exhausting. I'm always nodding off watching TV at all hours. I took a selfie with my wife on Saturday. My mom commented upon looking at it. "Is Bob sleeping?"

My stepmom who suffers from fibromyalgia, used to be asleep in her rocking chair quite often. Now I get why.

 

2008/9, age 19. The year/months before my tinnitus became severe.

Was working at a music venue (which I've mentioned before). Finally had a vibrant social life full of people I actually liked (unlike at Secondary School). Was finally dating (had just been watching other people do that at 13-17). Studying art and languages (subjects I enjoyed). No one was worried about my future (or putting pressure on me).

All changed: April 2009.

 

Not sure what to make of this @Leila.

I certainly agree (with Tim Kring) that cockroaches, along with rats, pigeons and many other terrestrial species we consider "vermin" are incredible specimens; far more capable when it comes to adaptation and survival in the worst of conditions, than ourselves. But then my belief is that humanity has either evolved, or never actually was (designed), to be at harmony with this planet. We are a "thing" designed for conquest, hence our kind are already dreaming of colonising the next closest planet.

Whatever brought about that desire though, is an irrelevance to our tribe (here), because such a thing brings about no satisfaction for us. We are now, essentially, a new branch of humanity (if you believe in evolution). We're genetically different to start with (hence our susceptibility to tinnitus and our brain's odd behaviour when subjected to damage of the cochlear). But our thoughts and wants are now alien to that of the average human. Which brings me back to my earlier post: we are (the) God(s), Fate's or the Universes' chosen. We're now something different, and we'll never be like normal people ever again.

A shallow existence was not the plan for us (so it seems).

As for God being a cockroach? Well, I have always been open to the theory in fiction that we were perhaps engineered by an alien species. And if that is in fact the case, then why not?

 

For starters, focus on the friends that understand you. I have none, just my closest family. But then, I don't mind superficial relationships with "normies". It all depends on what your desires are. Think about what you actually want a friendship for. You've suffered a lot, you're entitled to be somewhat selfish and cut loose ties that don't serve you. Like I say, think about what you want, then think about how to achieve it.

You're definitely overthinking this. Relationships aren't about strengths and weaknesses. No love interest (or potential friend for that matter) is going to think "hey, this guy is kind of a wreck, therefore not really worth spending time with". I've known some of the biggest f*ck ups in life, to still be doing quite well in both love and friendship.

At the end of the day, (both tinnitus and non-tinnitus suffering) people are lonely. They yearn for connection. And in some cases, a broken person is more capable of connection than a person who is ruthlessly pursuing their own ambitions.

I'm not one to sing kumbaya around a campfire (far more likely to be the guy who drinks a gallon of gasoline just so he can piss in it), but I definitely think if your tinnitus is manageable, a decent social life is not off the cards.

 

I have both tinnitus and hyperacusis. Having a quiet home environment helps w/ the latter, but of course if it's too quiet all we will tend to hear is the tinnitus. I try to stay busy with things I feel passionate about. A good job or some interests I have is the best way. Other people can be a huge help too, it takes the focus off ourselves. A social life is good for our body, heart, head and soul, for lack of a better word. We truly need other people to be happy and healthy.

My new senior apt is really noisy from up above. The neighbor is not necessarily noisy, but the building has so little insulation you can hear her cat running around. If I get anxious or stressed about it, that makes my tinnitus louder. I'm waiting for a top floor apt, but that happens when it happens. When I first got tinnitus my living environment was much noisier, and my tinnitus scared me. I seriously thought of suicide. Had to stop going to tinnitus groups in person since talking about it made my perception of it even louder. There were several people in those groups that had attempted suicide, it didn't work, and they were in much worse shape than before.

One thing to remember is that everything in this universe is impermanent. Things are always changing into something else, and we suffer because we're attached to how things were. I have this health issue now, it's not getting better, and if gets worse, that law of the universe means at some point it will change. That's not a belief, it's the truth. It's also true that it could get worse, but whatever it does, wait it out, make friends wherever you are, live a normal life and know it will eventually go back down.

 

At times, my mind seems to work in strange and mysterious ways

It may have seem so, I wasn't trying to make a dig at God or creation but when I read you comment about us most likely being "the most resilient our species have ever produced should we ever have our health back" the first thing that popped into my mind was that there are other inhabitants on this planet that already are far less delicate than us.

It also made me wonder if the fruits of resilience / mutation equal a life worth living. We are already a lot more resilient than those untouched by the nightmare that's tinnitus because of what we're enduring on a day to day base, so if becoming more / the most resilient means adding the ability to survive "... for months without food. Remaining alive headless for weeks at a time. Resistant to radiation." to the list I'm not sure I'm all that keen on climbing the evolutional ladder any further than I already have.

I hope this cleared things up a little, if not I'll have to get back to you at a later time because for the next two days I'll have my godchild staying with me, so there won't be a lot of Internet time for me.

 

I was part of a local tinnitus support group before COVID-19 put an end to it. Some of the core members of the group still keep in touch though and meet up for a walk and pub lunch. They are the only people who truly understand. It's always comforting to meet up with them. Maybe consider finding a local support group if there are any where you live.

 

Understood @Leila.

Tragedy sometimes comes with a silver lining, but it's rarely a silver lining we would take in exchange for what we had before the tragedy.

I think @Guywithapug put it best when he said "the toughest are chosen to suffer", because there's no choice in the matter (not for us). We don't choose to suffer, it has simply been hoist upon us.

Our only option in the face of that suffering, is whether we choose to believe it means something or not.

 

Thank you for the kind words. They did not go unappreciated. Yes, life is about how much you can take and keep moving forward. I cannot will more friends into existence but by going through life, they shall eventually show themselves. I did a few workouts recently and have university projects to occupy my time. I do recommend you to actively pursue any goal to help you take your mind off the tinnitus. Even if it's for 3 minutes.

I sincerely wish anyone who ends up in this thread when they're weak - a quiet day. Better times will come and you have to be there to witness them.

 

Thank you for the comment @Leila.

You started seeing improvements after 3/4 of a year - how is the hyperacusis doing now? Almost back to normal?

You make a very good point about making decisions out of desperation - and that usually never turns out well. I'm just not sure what to do work wise at the moment. And I'm very frustrated with it. After high- chool I went into the trades, near the end of my 4-year apprenticeship to get my ticket I had an injury that permanently messed up my wrist and ended that career. Went back to school, got a Bachelor's and worked for a few years, then did a Master's and just finished that this year. Now I have this stupid hyperacusis which might put an end to this career. I just can't handle restarting over and over. At the same time, that's the least of my worries... I just want my damn normal ears back and I would give up anything for that. Sorry for the rant.

I hope you have been seeing improvements.

 

I still have the low drone tinnitus (right ear - 100 Hz) after visiting a chiropractor. I have had it for 9 days now. It feels like something is vibrating in my ear. I am hearing sounds with a little more bass than normal. It's very quiet throughout the day. When I fall asleep and wake up in the morning, the low drone tinnitus is constant. After getting started for the day, it gets much quieter. Looking up up or lying on my back makes it louder, looking down or lying on my stomach stops it. When I do a handstand, I only hear the blood rush in my left ear! That never was the case before, blood rush sound always in both ears!

I don't know what to do?!

 

I have not been on Tinnitus Talk for over 4 years.

I started to experience tinnitus back in March 2018 and the only thing that I wanted to do for the first 6 months was to kill myself.

The noise is almost always there but I usually don't react to it and I sleep well and have a normal life. I work, enjoy life and the only effect the tinnitus now has on me is that it tires me sometimes. As I type those words, my tinnitus is very loud but it doesn't really bother me.

Anyhow, the point of this post is that there is always hope.

 

In my opinion all suffering is personal. We only give meaning to or pay attention to it because it does something to the physical / mental comfort level we have become to accustomed to. That's also why we can only sympathise for somebody else's suffering for so long. Our brain probably has some kind of self-protection mode that it switches to when we start focussing on somebody else's suffering for too long. A while back I read somewhere that the brain can only focus on / experience one emotion at a time and that it doesn't differentiate whether that emotion comes from within or is a reaction to external stimuli (another person, the content of a movie or book, the atmosphere of an environment e.g., a hospital / a fair / church /...). But while it hangs on to the emotion that comes from within, it is has no problem letting go of the emotion evoked by an external source.

So, yes, I do believe suffering means something but only for the person who is experiencing it. It can be a source of creativity and be transformed into music, literature or art, so it becomes more comprehensible to people untouched by it. But in the end it will be a line, a song or a picture that speaks to them and not the actual suffering of the person who used their suffering to transform it into something easier to comprehend by people who have been fortunate enough to only experience little or second hand suffering.

Maybe I think in movies but this statement immediately made me think of the Butterfly Effect.

PS: That picture of a cockroach haunted me in my dreams, so maybe it wasn't really the "teenager" that wore me out but the lack off restful sleep

 

EEG test normal. Naturally, can't get any damn proof my body is broken. Any more test fishing I'm sure my doctor will just dismiss me as a hypochondriac loony.

Horrible sound exposure episodes for 4 days straight. Withstood them because I was on the tail end of my med tapering. Now that I'm done with that, I'm getting awful tinnitus and noxacusis in one ear that I can only pray is temporary.

Another year wasted with no answers. Life remains in limbo and relying on the government to help me put the pieces together because of course, screw being in control of your own fate. Had a few days of feeling like a normal human being who showered and had friends, but it's never gonna be life again. Might as well be a dream. And here I am, paying for it as always.

Now, biopharms are failing. Want to think Dr. Susan Shore's device could maybe help hyperacusis but life's just so pointless now, not sure if I wanna stick around and bother. I don't know if I can handle more of this pattern of getting meds thrown at me that ruin my life and health in other ways and still don't fix the problem, while doctors insist I'm "just fine". Never getting my life back, but can't prove to any government it was lost to begin with.

 

I feel as though my life has been upended, one of my most basic senses has failed me and in turn decided to torture me. VAD was one of my first thoughts when this sprung up, and still crosses my mind. My boyfriend and parents are aware of how I feel at the moment and have fought to help me recover. I am afraid I will not be able to cope with the new sensory information and be unable to actively enjoy my life again. For the time being I am simply going to live my life as it where and see how far this can get me. I have made a mental note to "give life a chance" so I elected to give myself 2 years time with this injury to see if my life can be enjoyable once more. I do not fear death, but it truly feels a shame to have your life cut so short by an illness no one cares about.

Maybe my outlook will create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where death was unavoidable for me. Maybe I recover like so many seem to do. Maybe the problems of today no longer matter tomorrow. I'm not sure, though I do believe that this forum might not be the healthiest place for me to reside with these thoughts. I just wanted to hear some words of advice from someone else in my shoes.

I have previously gone through many other adversities that were deemed chronic and enjoyed life a great deal. Maybe this will be one too. I told my dad I was scared last night. I'm still scared today too.

 

The worst part of my daily struggle with suicidal thoughts, is that I have so much to live for, beautiful family, home etc but these ear issues put in me in the darkest place ever.

I studied and worked so hard to get me to this point in life that I finally may have what I dream of and thinking of ending it all is just crazy. That's like I lived for nothing, what was the purpose of living.

I hope a miracle happens.

 

This shit will certainty make you feel like you were cut down in your prime and all of a sudden feel like you might only have a couple years left.

Gotta fight on tho man.

 

Been there, done that, can't go through it again. But let's see how long that lasts. Yes, we need a miracle.

 

I dropped a fork the other day and it set mine off to a higher level. I'm guessing the volume goes down intermittently as otherwise this cacophony would be even louder. Very surprised yesterday when I stuck a knife into the taut plastic covering on a Marksies Italian meal and this sound spiked my tinnitus. Unreal.

 

Help. Since my last worsening 3 months ago, things have gone downhill. I can’t fight any more. I’m so tired.

I’m at a loss for words.

I really don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I’m severely depressed, missed work again, ears feel cramped and hot, the hiss keeps going..