Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. Shizune
      Alone

      Shizune Member Podcast Patron Benefactor

      Location:
      The bell tower
      Tinnitus Since:
      H: 6/2020 T: 7/2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Chemical inhalation+Too many sleeping drugs
      Not sure what happened to me in the last few days but feels like something inside my brain broke further. Feeling sudden onset of extreme, uncontrollable irritability. Tolerance has dropped, but my reaction to sound now feels like my head getting crushed, like some kind of pressure field around me. Misophonia is much worse too, almost like some noises make me want to throw up and not in a vertigo way. Tinnitus has been worse too.

      I might have made an oopsie with dependency on a sleep aid. Which, shame on me, because that's partially how I got here to begin with. I need to stop screwing with my brain but insomnia fucks me over so badly and too much noise in a day guarantees no sleep for me.

      I'm not so sure what this latest bullshit is and if it's permanent, since it's an entirely new sensation. Feels like any chance of recovery is impossible, just more worsening.

      Besides that, it's nearing the 3 year mark of my "calm before the storm" in my life, have to be reminded that my peers who long forgot me get to move on with their lives. The pandemic seems to be over, nobody cares. People are traveling. I thought I accepted I'm stuck like this forever but as I've said, the more time marches forward, the harder it gets for me. Just remembering how long ago normalcy was.
       
      • Hug Hug x 9
      • Agree Agree x 1
    2. Baker

      Baker Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown for 10 years, but later bad from loud fireworks.
      Are there any good neurologists in Tennessee? Not just strictly tinnitus, but general neurology?
       
    3. Nick47

      Nick47 Member Benefactor

      Location:
      UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      2015
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Viral/noise
      You can get extended release Xanax.
       
    4. Baker

      Baker Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown for 10 years, but later bad from loud fireworks.
      I don't get how people are getting things like Xanax. What doctor do people get those meds from? I've not been able to get any of that and I have to also deal with being electrocuted every day because of my spinal cord injury and am in severe pain.
       
    5. ajc

      ajc Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2002; spike 2009; worse 2017-18
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Loud music - noise damage
      Xanax and other benzos are still widely prescribed all over the world, they are one of the most commonly prescribed drugs. But they are not given out like candy anymore in many developed countries.

      It's easier to get a longer acting benzo like Klonopin though than Xanax which is notorious for its misuse.

      You need to doctor shop if your current doctor has flat out said no to giving you benzos.

      BUT! You probably don't want benzos... the potential for problems is not small, tolerance builds up, withdrawal can be hell. They have their use for acute problems like short term anxiety or dealing with a traumatic situation like the death of a loved one but are rarely good for long term problems like tinnitus. Of course if your other choice is to commit suicide, then popping some Xanax might be the better alternative and you should tell your doctor that.
       
    6. andronici

      andronici Member

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Antidepressant, Acoustic trauma
      Maybe Vanderbilt?
       
    7. AfroSnowman
      Balanced

      AfroSnowman Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Nonnatural energy source
      Primary care providers.
       
    8. Gb3

      Gb3 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      12/19
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Sshl
      A PCP will most likely only give you a temporary prescription until you see a psychiatrist.
       
    9. tpj
      Torn

      tpj Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      08/2008
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      probably noise
      I started taking Xanax before it became so restricted but my doctor has been willing to continue prescribing it. If I were to ask for it now, I think it would be impossible to get.
       
    10. AfroSnowman
      Balanced

      AfroSnowman Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Nonnatural energy source
      Not my experience.
       
    11. Aussie Lea
      Dramaqueen

      Aussie Lea Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Yarra Valley
      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2013
      It also matters who you are and how you present yourself. Weren't you some kind of high level intelligence officer, so obviously doctors are more likely to prescribe it to you (and not suspect you abuse it or sell on the streets) vs. someone poor on disability coming in dirty clothes to the appt.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    12. AfroSnowman
      Balanced

      AfroSnowman Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Nonnatural energy source
      Not high level and not intelligence but basically that’s my story, so yes, no doubt when I go into my Doc’s office and I tell her I need an Rx for this torture in hopes of improving my QoL, she isn’t questioning my need, my state of mind, or that I’m selling pills on the street.

      Too bad they don’t do a thing for me.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    13. TLion

      TLion Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2006
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      stress/loud concert
      Never would have thought to write in this thread. But it is how it is...

      I have four little kids and my hearing is wrecked. For them I want to survive. So desperate. God help me.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
    14. Baker

      Baker Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown for 10 years, but later bad from loud fireworks.
      What medications are similar to Xanax that people take? I'm curious because I'm all the time being electrocuted as my muscles constantly vibrate from a spinal cord injury and partial paralysis. It's like having a TENS machine connected all over your body.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
    15. Diego LR

      Diego LR Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2020
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unkown
      Sorry to see you in this thread. What is your story and your struggle?
       
    16. TLion

      TLion Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2006
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      stress/loud concert
      Tinnitus since many years, always manageable. I’ve been on Paroxetine for many years. This summer I tried to taper off of it. I experienced withdrawal symptoms. Tinnitus went up. So I went back on the medication. Tinnitus went up again. Now it’s a reactive hiss, with crickets, and a low hum on the other side. I have four small kids and can’t be around them anymore because it sends my ears through the roof.

      I have some days which are quieter, I regain hope, only to be beaten down the next day. I’m in my room staring at the ceiling listening to crickets, popping a Xanax (might have a dependency, took it every 3-4 days in the last 3 months). So screaming tinnitus, Paroxetine, Xanax, no life left. My wife tries to understand but it’s difficult. I don’t know what to do. Within 3 months I went from a life with family to this thread.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
    17. AfroSnowman
      Balanced

      AfroSnowman Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Nonnatural energy source
      All I can tell you is I'm in the same boat. I don't stay on this plane of existence for my sake but for theirs'. Always remember what you'd do to your kids if you depart. For me it is the thing that keeps me here. I can be in a state of torture, not be able in interact much with my family, my kids may grow up to thinking I am distant and unemotional and no fun, but it is far better than having to learn to live with a paternal suicide.
       
      • Hug Hug x 7
    18. SamRosemary

      SamRosemary Member

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      05/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Lorazepam/Ativan seems to be a common one. Around where I am anyway. My doctor prescribed me some and continues to do so, but the lowest dose and only 10 at a time.
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    19. Baker

      Baker Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2010
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown for 10 years, but later bad from loud fireworks.
      10 at a time I'd guess would be a waste of time, as I go to the doctor once every 6 months to get prescription refills.
       
    20. TLion

      TLion Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2006
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      stress/loud concert
      Thanks for your reply. From what I read, I thought you were doing better. Do you also have the loud reactive kind of tinnitus? How old are your kids? Is your wife supportive?
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    21. AfroSnowman
      Balanced

      AfroSnowman Member Podcast Patron Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      04/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Nonnatural energy source
      I manage, I work, I socialize, I don't isolate or live in fear, but mostly it is not a fun way to live, every day is a challenge. My kid is a teen, my wife is very supportive, but obviously it is a stressor for our marriage and lives.

      I don't know, I guess it is reactive, in that it changes in response to sounds, but it also changes in response to nothing. Loud, intrusive, unmask able, piercing, fluctuating, multi-tone, changing over the day with the base tone not entirely unlike getting a tooth drilled.
       
      • Hug Hug x 6
    22. Strawberryblonde
      Greedy

      Strawberryblonde Member

      Location:
      United Kingdom
      Tinnitus Since:
      1st mild (12/2015) mild-mod (5/2022)
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Many reasons who truly knows
      Same with my GP. During a bad time years ago I was prescribed seven 2 mg Diazepam pills and that was it.
       
      • Hug Hug x 2
    23. Travis Henry
      Cynical

      Travis Henry Member

      Location:
      Dallas,TX
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      1 Moderna Vac, Noise and stress I guess, its killing me
      I am fighting hard, but I'm being tortured into the ground.
      I feel you there.
       
      • Hug Hug x 3
    24. Travis Henry
      Cynical

      Travis Henry Member

      Location:
      Dallas,TX
      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      1 Moderna Vac, Noise and stress I guess, its killing me
      Why can't there be more awareness of this trap. Why can't there be one thing to treat and lower tinnitus. We get swept under the rug and washed out as mental cases when none of us would be suicidal if it wasn't for tinnitus.

      I'm going to be gone soon. I dunno how to fight this any longer. I can't take care of myself or do anything. The ringing is so loud even in quiet. Things keep getting worse. I have no desire to die at all. I love life and everything. Fucccck.
       
      • Hug Hug x 8
      • Agree Agree x 2
    25. TLion

      TLion Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      2006
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      stress/loud concert
      How do you work and manage? I’m at my wits’ end. How is this possible? How long did it take you?
       
      • Hug Hug x 1
    26. DeanD

      DeanD Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Microsuction
      @AnthonyMcDonald, how did you manage to get 15 tones down to 3?

      Did it all just happen slowly, tone by tone, after your move to the US and quieter living?
       
    27. AnthonyMcDonald
      Confused

      AnthonyMcDonald Member

      Location:
      Russia
      Tinnitus Since:
      06/2021
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      I can't really notice a turning point. I guess it was very gradual.
       
    28. Theezy

      Theezy Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Concert/Rave?
      The fact that a suicidal thread is one of the most popular on this site is awful. We have accomplished so much with modern medicine yet a condition that can manifest as constant torture and agony has such an incredible lack of understanding let alone treatment options. I think part of the problem is "tinnitus" patients are all grouped together. From someone who is not bothered by mild stable tinnitus only heard in a quiet room to someone who is housebound with tinnitus that screams in a dozen different alien frequencies along with hyperacusis and facial pain that reacts to any sound above a whisper. I have lived both ends of the spectrum as I started out mild for years, and I am now severe. The experience of my initial mild tinnitus is not in anyway comparable to what I have experienced for the last 5 months.

      I have slowly become housebound due to my tinnitus increasing at less and less sound. The majority of days I experience noxacusis (burning facial pain). I have unavoidable increases in baseline tinnitus sounds/loudness a couple times a week now. Crinkling bags make me feel like my head is exploding. I have kept quiet hobbies such as drawing, setting up an aquarium, chess, cooking, and watching shows quietly. No matter what, and despite sparse days where I feel hope, it all continues to get worse. I have quite seriously worsened (incremental baseline increase or additional sounds) dozens of times over the past 5 months. I promise you it's taken more strength than I ever had to even make it the first month let alone 4 more of increasing intensity. Now I'm so far in and increases happen so easily, it truly feels like a blackhole.

      I fucking love my family, I love my friends, I love my life, I love skiing, I love fly-fishing, I love rock climbing, I love backpacking, I love going on vacation with friends, I love going to weddings, I love going out to new restaurants and bars and good conversation, I love talking on the phone with friends for hours, I love so much in this world man! As of right now, I have no more tears. I'm angry as hell that this condition that I dealt with for so long has slowly and now quickly taken everything from me. I turned 29 on Wednesday. I had a beautiful night with my parents and grandma. The next day I made sushi with my incredible friends who came to *quietly* celebrate my birthday. I fucking love this life so much, but the unrelenting progression of everything beyond a point of unbearable agony makes me truly wonder if this was my last.
       
      • Hug Hug x 9
    29. Theezy

      Theezy Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      11/2014
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Concert/Rave?
      I held onto hope and worked on CBT/habituation techniques through 5 months of increasing tinnitus. This week it’s increased too quickly. I don’t realistically see having much more time when my head and neural system is fried like this. There’s an electrical factory inside my head. And a train station, and a plane cabin, and a bus stop. It’s that intense. Oh and if I accidentally drop a fork or sneeze the wrong way, it permanently worsens. Wouldn’t have thought this was possible during the first 7 years of tinnitus so I understand some of may not believe my experience.

      For me it didn’t get better, it got exponentially worse. I know I look like a whiner lately, but I want you to know I was a strong person before this. I kept in good shape, I climbed mountains and backpacked through wilderness areas, I snowshoed with a 40 pound sled in tow and camped in -42F conditions on a frozen lake in the middle of nowhere. I earned a Master’s degree. I spent a week in the hospital with a collapsed lung and 2 broken ribs. The condition I’m currently experiencing is legitimately 100x harder than all of those combined. The normal hardships of life can’t hold a candle to the physical sensations I am feeling 24/7.

      With the aggressive progression of the past months, it’s absolutely too much to live with - every day is now worse than the last. Everyday sounds regularly permanently increase my baseline tinnitus, and I promise you it’s even worse than it sounds. It’s pure torture and it’s not survivable, let alone possible to function. I’ve lived with this condition for 7 years, it slowly and then quickly took everything from me.

      Please continue the fight for tinnitus and hyperacusis research, and help others avoid this cruel fate.

      Sincerely,
      A 29-year-old who’s entire life was stolen from him
       
      • Hug Hug x 11
    30. DeanD

      DeanD Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2022
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Microsuction
      I know how bad things have been for you @Theezy - hang in there!

      I am going through the same, am also catastrophic and bedbound now and have same thoughts as you.

      I have been submerging myself in to success stories section recently as for some kind of hope. And I am very much a stats guy. I thought so many were simply habituation stories (habituation is good if it can be achieved as we both know but much more challenging for severe cases) but I was more surprised that 70% of more than 200 cases I have been through so far said their tinnitus decreased in volume from onset to time of success story, or went away in full. Not just habituation, but actual tinnitus volume reduction.

      It's more possible than I think, in our negative mindset, believe it to be possible, even if not guaranteed.

      I know some of these cases may have had it mild, but there were some that also had it really rough and tough before stabilising and then slowly to reduction. A number of people said their tinnitus reduced as external sound was introduced, but I know personally how risky that sounds to sufferers like us, hence I've been avoiding it too.

      Some of the noise induced cases in these stats had hyperacusis too.

      For noise trauma cases, like yours, the average time of onset to a reduction in tinnitus allowing a life at least semi-livable was 14 months - and for the majority the first 6-8 months were the toughest and roughest.

      It may also be worth noting that 20% of the noise induced cases I've read had it go away completely, and this took an average of 18 months.

      These are real cases from real people, some of who made hundreds of posts on Tinnitus Talk and were a regular part of the community before we joined.

      I feel like the decision that sent me down this nightmare path has taken me on a route through damn Mordor. It looks a tough long journey ahead and it would be so easy to give up, but if I can wait out that time - get through dark Mordor - and make it back to the Shire, I may be battered, bruised, beat-up and exhausted - but if it's possible, how sweet it would be to actually enjoy a long forgotten passion again, and finally... half a smile once again.

      Each day you get through, and wake the next morning, is potentially a day closer.
       
      • Friendly Friendly x 5
      • Optimistic Optimistic x 3
      • Informative Informative x 1
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