Suicidal

I think it might be that prolotherapy on your jaw, no? I looked it up on Mayo Clinic, and it says an irritant is injected to stimulate growth in the connective tissue in the joint. And we know how connected all the nerves in the jaw are to the auditory cortex. I think it's just a waiting game for whatever is going on in your jaw right now.

But I don't know shit about fuck, so don't believe anything I say.

 

The only weird thing is the recovery timeline. I only noticed it was affecting my sleep like 3 weeks later, and then it started causing serious problems in my waking life another 2 weeks later. And it keeps going up or down, with no apparent pattern to it relative to sleep levels. I’m really not sure what to make of it, honestly.

 

I really think I am closing on on my own demise. There is no help and I can not do this much longer. I want peace. I juts have to get over christmas and new years, so I dont traumatize my family even more, and then I think I am ready to go.

 

Just screamed on the phone with my mother and smashed several things in my home. It's gonna get even worse. I die tonight.

Not even 3 glasses of wine has calmed me down. There is no help.

Edit: Took a benzo. I found a package that expired in the back of a cabinet. It's life or death, so what the hell. Now I'm a little calmer... but probably only for a little while. Crying is still locked in my throat, but my head is now aching so bad from all this crying.

Because it's Christmas, this meltdown feels 10x worse. I feared this would happen today, but I didn't expect it to feel so intensely awful. The fact that you're expected to feel merry and jolly in the arms of family just makes this breakdown feel so much worse. This is without an inch of doubt the worst day of my life. I just tried to scrape up all the glass I broke earlier. I toyed with the thought of taking a piece of the glass and cut my writs, but I am too much of a coward. I'm so hoping I can survive and somehow overcome this but I think it will take a miracle.

 

I don’t see what the point of living is? It’s just another year of torture. And please don’t cut your wrists. That will only end up with huge scars and a trip to inpatient psych.

 

What if there will be no peace and quiet...?

 

You’re dead. You are ensured not existing. It’s neither peace nor quiet, you just cease to exist. It just puts an end to the suffering.

 

Sounds tempting... Everyone has their own hour and everyone will have to check for themselves one day...

 

I’ve officially set it up. This is not to say I will do it right away. This is actually a way for me to hold on even longer. Having the option of leaving any time I want now will help me put up with this by a tenfold. Part of my suffering is very much this feeling of being trapped in it, being trapped in this life with no where to go. As dark as this may seem, I’m relieved to finally have a place to go now if things should turn worse. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can keep on fighting this shit now with way less fear.

 

It’s very sad to see the posts on here but I understand.

 

The thought that our life is transient has helped me get through many a long night.

 

There will be. I don't believe one bit about that other foolishness.

 

The only issue here is if you don’t do a good job you can end up like Christopher Reeves but with screaming tinnitus. Now that’s scary! I had a close call with that.

 

it’s funny I never had these thoughts until tinnitus and hyperacusis.

 

What foolishness...? Imagine if there will be tinnitus again...

 

I am not at all interested in having this conversation. You'll have to take that up with somebody else.

 

Merry Christmas fellow suffering people.

 

Merry Christmas.

 

Yeah. Being crippled is the greatest fear.

I also think there's nowhere traditional that you're going. No heaven or higher plane. You just cease to exist. It's depressing to think about and ironically makes me want to die more.

Remaining existence with loud tinnitus and frequent ear pain is no existence at all.

 

Lol heaven. If you believe in that I assume you still believe Santa brought you those presents!

 

It would be nice if there were.

Maybe it isn't what we think, but lack of evidence doesn't prove it cannot be.

Yes it's akin to saying unicorns could exist even though there's no evidence... but this universe is vast and nutty.

Who knows what there is after death. It may well be nothingness, but consciousness might not simply poof out of existence.

We just don't know. And that helps people cope.

I think stopping death and suffering altogether is far nobler than pedalling hope for a pretty far flung what if.

 

I believe the whole universe is consciousness. We just perceive a little bit of it as individuals.

Dying just shifts our focus. We might then become an ant or another human.

 

Been a long time since I visited this forum. My tinnitus is much worse of late. I understand the severity of suicidal thoughts, but as a Christian it doesn't appeal to me. Suicide would hurt those around me more than I can accept.

In the past, I attended a few group therapy sessions in a San Francisco clinic on severe tinnitus. One lady shared her thoughts as she prepared to slit her wrists. She was lying in her bathtub, razor blade in hand, rockets and machine guns battering her mind like they had for years. She decided she had reached her point of breaking. Eyes closed, with trembling hands she touched the corner of the blade to her left wrist, ready to slash. Having thought it through, she would do the first cut forcefully then quickly transfer the blade to the other wrist and open up the other arm. Whatever happened after that would be welcomed.

Or maybe not. It suddenly occurred to her that these noises could follow her into eternity. Forever this living hell. That was unthinkable. She climbed out of the bathtub, threw the razor blades into the waste basket and made a cup of tea.

After sharing that during the session we all fell silent. Me, with my multi-frequency radio screamers and barreling Niagara Falls in the background seemed pale to her constant machine guns. I hate it but it gave me perspective. She smiled at everyone and said, "Hey folks, we are blessed. We can see, we can hear, we can taste, we can speak, we can love one another. We all have our arms and legs. Hang in there, God never gives us more than we can handle."

For what it's worth. Merry Christmas, God bless you all. This is truly a curse but it didn't come from the good of the universe. Hang in there, you will get through it and there is truly hope on the horizon with research. <3

PS: If you can get your hands on a pair of Bose HearPhones, get them! Bose stopped making them but they occasionally show up on EBay. They rock! And, they help me forget the evil noise for most of the workday.

 

I read that before, and it makes no sense. it is totally false. Why do millions kill themselves if some god doesn't give us more than we can handle?

Sorry, you're entitled to your belief, but I personally think it's BS. Plus scaring people and making them feel more trapped, like myself and others who are already in total panic, with some faaaaar fetched scenario, is frankly NOT cool. That might not be your or Artem's attempt, but that could be a consequence. I don't believe that scenario, but I also know how an anxious mind works, I've lived with it many years.

Presented with a notion enough times and it will start to latch onto it, so I really don't need to hear these things.

 

My absolute certainty that there is nothing after death is what's helping me cope. If someone convinced me that these Christian fairytales or other religious mumbo jumbo nonsense is real, I would freak out. The scariest thought imaginable to me is a reality where the Christian God actually exist. That would be the most terrible thing I can think of. But when there is nothing, it means I always have a way to peace and quiet if things gets too bad. I can always end my suffering whenever I want. Religion is garbage.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I support you.

 

I continue because, well... there is nothing after this, nada. So I bear the discomfort and still hope for the best. And don't think I'm a naive person, sometimes it's really hard, but I just cry and go on. It's like dealing with a loss of a close one. That person is always on your mind, and he/she will never come back. Sometimes it's too much and you cry, but you still go on.

 

To Lurius and The Danish Girl:

RIGHT ON - we do not need to hear absurd horror stories (reminiscent of those Rod Serling "Twilight Zone" episodes) about how tinnitus could follow us into Eternity.

It absolutely requires the functioning of ear organs, a brain, and a nervous system to have this condition.

It is indicative of a very serious break with Reality (not to mention flat out crazy) to speculate that this could be Eternal.

 

Nothing after death is depressing. Some people believe in something worse but I haven't read anything about what they are talking about, to comment on it.

 

Reincarnation?