In Loving Memory of Brian Jordan Pariente (Brian P)

[Frayact]

I didn't know of Brian until I found this thread. As someone who has dealt with this beast on and off for 26 years, I can only imagine what drove him to the ultimate decision. I've had days where I didn't think life would ever be the same again, and nights where I wished I could fall asleep and never wake up. As I write this, I'm into my third week of a terrible relapse after having three years of virtual silence (for reasons completely unknown).

I did consider suicide when I was at my lowest point with tinnitus in 1997. But I had to convince myself that life still had some value and that I would get through the nightmare. But I feel like I've slipped back into that dark well and am starting over. Antidepressants have helped, but they can only do so much.

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I hope Brian has found peace and is free from the pain that we've all experienced. As sad as it is, I also understand.

 

[Forever hopeful]

This is just heartbreaking.

RIP Brian. I pray you are in a better place.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends.

@Damocles, very nice tribute.

 

[LilSass]

There are no words really; life can be so fragile.

Be in peace Brian <3

 

[Guywithapug]

Rest easy bud.

Hopefully you're enjoying complete peace and tranquility.

 

[Vicki14]

Heartbreaking to hear of this and the thin line between sanity and complete despair this condition constantly is.

I truly hope that Brian has found the silence he so desperately wanted and that the rest of us find the strength, courage and hope to continue this journey x

 

[Ela Stefan]

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I hope Brian has found peace and is free from the pain that we've all experienced. As sad as it is, I also understand.

One of the things I did in all these years of tinnitus despair and mourning about the old life was reading about NDE (Near Death Experience) accounts. Turns out that indeed we know very little about life and I really believe there is life after death. It's not so much about believing but about proving it. People who have had an NDE can truly say there is more. You search and search and do find there is more than this, what we live now. Those people explained it coherently and the feelings they had while having an NDE really make you wonder. None of them talk about being punished for this life. Just that you have the full sense of what you did and are helped to overcome it. And there is tons of research on past lives and solved cases.

Yes, it is a huge injustice... and without answers! I never knew such a tormenting thing as tinnitus existed. It has made me feel and act things out I never knew could be inside of me. I didn't recognize them being a part of me... such a stranger I felt in myself!

I can say this, Brian. You will have all the support, love and peace that you asked for.

 

[Gee82]

One of the things I did in all these years of tinnitus despair and mourning about the old life was reading about NDE (Near Death Experience) accounts. Turns out that indeed we know very little about life and I really believe there is life after death. It's not so much about believing but about proving it. People who have had an NDE can truly say there is more. You search and search and do find there is more than this, what we live now. Those people explained it coherently and the feelings they had while having an NDE really make you wonder. None of them talk about being punished for this life. Just that you have the full sense of what you did and are helped to overcome it. And there is tons of research on past lives and solved cases.

Yes, it is a huge injustice... and without answers! I never knew such a tormenting thing as tinnitus existed. It has made me feel and act things out I never knew could be inside of me. I didn't recognize them being a part of me... such a stranger I felt in myself!

I can say this, Brian. You will have all the support, love and peace that you asked for.

Same here, since I got tinnitus and suicide became a real option I started a spiritual journey that turned all my beliefs upside down. I spoke to people who had NDEs and I even visited a medium; that was an incredible experience that proved to me the existence of an afterlife.

Rest in silence Brian.

 

[Ela Stefan]

Same here, since I got tinnitus and suicide became a real option I started a spiritual journey that turned all my beliefs upside down. I spoke to people who had NDEs and I even visited a medium; that was an incredible experience that proved to me the existence of an afterlife.

Rest in silence Brian.

On the other hand, this is also keeping me a lot on the question loop - Why me? I know evil people around me who are just fine.

 

[Elmer B Fuddled]

Sometimes things just seem to become so unreal. Very sad to hear of another tinnitus sufferer passing.

May you rest well.

Condolences to his family and friends.

 

[WisconsinGuy]

RIP Brian.

I'm a new guy here but I read a lot of your posts already. I hope you have found peace.

 

[ToriaM34]

I don't post a lot on here but I'm often lurking and would always read Brian's posts, I liked how blunt and unapologetic he was. I felt sick when I first saw this post and have been thinking about him a lot these past few days. I hope he is finally at peace now, but it's so sad it has to come to this.

 

[BuzzyBee]

So sorry to hear this. Rest in peace Brian.

 

[Lane]

I really believe there is life after death.

I started a spiritual journey that turned all my beliefs upside down.

Hi @Ela Stefan & @Gee82 -- I've long had an interest in spirituality and past lives.

My own spiritual perspectives tell me Brian is going to be just fine (just like all of us). He's decided to make a rather dramatic turn for now, but in the long run, it's fairly inconsequential. I believe we're all on a common spiritual journey that ultimately leaves us much wiser and kinder. It's only a matter of time before we all leave this world for good, and the difficult challenges we've faced in many lifetimes will some day be a far distant memory.

Best to Brian... Best to All...

 

[DaveFromChicago]

What particularly broke my heart when I learned about this was my recollection of Brian's very smart and calming advice regarding how to remain unaffected by Michael Leigh's irresponsible, outsized, grossly misinformed obnoxiousness (the latest of which was his recommendation about Magnesium Citrate; once again, if you take this and go anywhere you can very well have an accident that you will very sorely regret).

 

[Jerad]

I never knew such a tormenting thing as tinnitus existed. It has made me feel and act things out I never knew could be inside of me. I didn't recognize them being a part of me... such a stranger I felt in myself!

I've also been feeling this way, not recognizing the "stranger" that has taken residence. I've had thoughts and feelings of complete hopelessness, emotions I would've never had prior to all these problems (severe tinnitus and hyperacusis); things that run counter to my former self.

Really, I think these conditions show us that there's potential strangers lurking within us all; we all have breaking points and can only endure so much suffering.

Those who don't understand what drives a person to suicide—or at least thoughts of it—have never seen true hell; the type of thing that swallows the very essence of life itself, where joys and hopes are trapped within the confines of memories, out of reach; where you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. You feel dead already, in a sense, like a walking tombstone that yearns to be alive. That's true suffering. You only want to live, but life has denied you that privilege.

So I understand why Brian ultimately did what he did and why these conditions make sufferers feel there are no alternatives.

 

[Jack Straw]

Very sorry to hear this. My condolences to his family. RIP Brian.

Stay strong everyone!

 

[Matchbox]

Jesus FUCKING Christ, I was just reaching out to this guy and kept thinking of everything he constantly told/warned me about.

And now THIS?!

We need a real FUCKING cure. He needed real FUCKING help, not just patronizing bullshit!

 

[jlc0581]

RIP dude... may be there with you soon, also from the vaccine.

 

[dayma]

RIP Brian. Prayers to you and your loved ones.

 

[Frayact]

I've also been feeling this way, not recognizing the "stranger" that has taken residence. I've had thoughts and feelings of complete hopelessness, emotions I would've never had prior to all these problems (severe tinnitus and hyperacusis); things that run counter to my former self.

Really, I think these conditions show us that there's potential strangers lurking within us all; we all have breaking points and can only endure so much suffering.

Those who don't understand what drives a person to suicide—or at least thoughts of it—have never seen true hell; the type of thing that swallows the very essence of life itself, where joys and hopes are trapped within the confines of memories, out of reach; where you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. You feel dead already, in a sense, like a walking tombstone that yearns to be alive. That's true suffering. You only want to live, but life has denied you that privilege.

So I understand why Brian ultimately did what he did and why these conditions make sufferers feel there are no alternatives.

Hi Jerad,

Those of us who have been there, as a result of tinnitus or some other medical condition, have a hard time explaining to people (at least I do) what that feeling is like. I know this isn't a depression forum per se, but what tinnitus can do to some of us definitely takes us down that road. For me, when the tinnitus is at its worst or when I have a relapse, I don't feel like the same person I once was. All my interests disappear, and I don't have any passion for things that usually bring me joy. This is classic Depression defined. Of course, there are millions of people who suffer from depression who have never had tinnitus.

I bring this up because, had I not at least tried an antidepressant to help me get through this, I might have made the same choice that Brian did. I've often wondered what drove people who seemed to "have it all" (Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, for example) to end their lives knowing full well how it would affect their families. Something in the brain is obviously not right.

I started a new AD last week called Prestiq (actually, the generic called Desvenlafaxine). The noise in my head has quieted down, and I'm starting to feel like I'm being lifted out of that dark well. I'm not suggesting that it's a miracle drug or that everyone else will respond the same way. And I have no idea if Brian took medication. But if you (or anyone else) here feels like there's no hope, please talk to a good psychiatrist or doctor. There's no shame in asking for help. It's not a cure for anything, but it can certainly be the difference between living and deciding NOT to live.

 

[Jerad]

Hi Jerad,

Those of us who have been there, as a result of tinnitus or some other medical condition, have a hard time explaining to people (at least I do) what that feeling is like. I know this isn't a depression forum per se, but what tinnitus can do to some of us definitely takes us down that road. For me, when the tinnitus is at its worst or when I have a relapse, I don't feel like the same person I once was. All my interests disappear, and I don't have any passion for things that usually bring me joy. This is classic Depression defined. Of course, there are millions of people who suffer from depression who have never had tinnitus.

I bring this up because, had I not at least tried an antidepressant to help me get through this, I might have made the same choice that Brian did. I've often wondered what drove people who seemed to "have it all" (Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, for example) to end their lives knowing full well how it would affect their families. Something in the brain is obviously not right.

I started a new AD last week called Prestiq (actually, the generic called Desvenlafaxine). The noise in my head has quieted down, and I'm starting to feel like I'm being lifted out of that dark well. I'm not suggesting that it's a miracle drug or that everyone else will respond the same way. And I have no idea if Brian took medication. But if you (or anyone else) here feels like there's no hope, please talk to a good psychiatrist or doctor. There's no shame in asking for help. It's not a cure for anything, but it can certainly be the difference between living and deciding NOT to live.

Thanks for reaching out, @Frayact. I appreciate it and I'm glad you've found a medication that's helping. I've never taken an AD or benzos, but have thought about it before. I've lived with OCD and anxiety almost my entire life, managed okay without any meds.

Unfortunately, I'm very sensitive to meds and my severe tinnitus and hyperacusis get worse off everything, seems like. So if a drug has tinnitus or hyperacusis on its side effects profile, I'm always afraid to try it because it's a gamble I've lost countless times. Not sure why my body is so sensitive.

I know Brian's severe tinnitus and hyperacusis were triggered / worsened by the COVID-19 vaccine and benzos (Clonazepam, I think).

I'm not considering suicide, to be honest. I don't feel like that's an option, but I do understand why some people feel that's their only option. When a person's quality-of-life becomes too unreasonable, when the suffering becomes too immense and unbearable, they feel one with the darkness and claustrophobia. The walls close in and they're trapped, like there's no way forward, no way out, but down... 6 feet under. It's like being swallowed by a black hole. Their emotions reach an "event horizon" of sorts and there's no turning back. It's sad they're driven to that, but I understand why. It's a darkness we'd wish on no one.

As for me, I feel like my life is in shambles because I have severe tinnitus that is a feeling, too—not just a sound. If it were only a sound, I'd be okay. But it's also a physical sensation. The frequency is so high that I feel sharp, zap-like pain, as if electricity is shocking me. Some days, like today, it's better. I'd say 1 day a week usually. On those days, I feel like it's not so bad because the painful aspects are reduced enough to make the condition tolerable or reasonable. I'm a reasonable guy. I don't expect perfection. But existing with essentially a shock collar around your neck is a hard pill to swallow.

 

[Barry098]

@Damocles - very poignant and sincere eulogy...

I didn't know Brian, and I just happened to find out about his passing through reading @Exit's profile page. It breaks my heart though that while we are here in the 21st century and have some form of a treatment for pretty much every type of disease known to man, we still don't have a single effective treatment for tinnitus. WTF? This is both absurd and tragic! Curing this disease should be a top priority in the medical establishment. I would much rather have a disease that would kill me but make me want to live rather than live with a disease which won't kill me but make me want to die! When will the medical establishment wake up and find a treatment for this disease with the urgency it obviously requires!

RIP Brian.

 

[Pau Marti]

And I have no idea if Brian took medication.

@Frayact, Brian started to take Clonazepam, just 4 weeks, very low dosage. He stopped it cold turkey and shortly after he started to experience nasty withdrawal symptoms (hallucinations, as far as I remember). Then he reinstated Clonazepam for 6 weeks and tapered. I recall him saying that while tapering from 0.250 mg to 0.125 mg his tinnitus became much more severe. He switched over to Valium but he didn't improve. He never took any benzo before. He was prescribed Clonazepam because his mild tinnitus got worse after his second vaccine. Nobody told him how to taper the drug off.

He also took some ADs after his first suicide attempt but without positive results.

 

[Wrfortiscue]

@Frayact, Brian started to take Clonazepam, just 4 weeks, very low dosage. He stopped it cold turkey and shortly after he started to experience nasty withdrawal symptoms (hallucinations, as far as I remember). Then he reinstated Clonazepam for 6 weeks and tapered. I recall him saying that while tapering from 0.250 mg to 0.125 mg his tinnitus became much more severe. He switched over to Valium but he didn't improve. He never took any benzo before. He was prescribed Clonazepam because his mild tinnitus got worse after his second vaccine. Nobody told him how to taper the drug off.

He also took some AD's after his first suicide attempt but without positive results.

Yeah the COVID-19 vaccine worsened his tinnitus. Klonopin (Clonazepam) taper caused the nasty tones. He said he was somewhat doing better before the Klonopin too. He was allowing time to heal, kept getting worse and acquiring new tones. After having a small better period he got a helicopter tone and that's it.

 

[Exit]

In one of his posts I've read he got a short spike from the first COVID-19 vaccine around a day after the injection.

He didn't see the connection as he was busy living his life with a non-issue tinnitus.

It's just sickening that society and especially the medical environment can't grasp the difference and stop with the mumbo jumbo "treatments" and outright dangerous ENT tests.

Even HIV is today a perfectly treatable disease while we're stuck in a loop of screaming noises, ear pain and solitude while being looked like we're just having a weak mental "attitude".

Follow your gut instinct and don't be socially pressured into complacency with this disease.

 

[Steph1710]

Follow your gut instinct and don't be socially pressured into complacency with this disease.

Absolutely! This is why I am vocal as possible about tinnitus and hyperacusis. I am never going to walk through life pretending this doesn't impact every facet of it - because it does!

Having to be hyper aware of everything is tiring. Waking up to noise and pain everyday is tiring. Having to explain our condition(s) to people so they don't accidentally hurt us/make us worse is tiring. Not being able to fully switch off even when sleeping is tiring. Having to be sociable is tiring.

I have many hidden disabilities, but out of all of them, tinnitus and hyperacusis are truly the worst. I think many on here would agree.

As someone else beautiful said in this thread - we understand Brian. We truly do. <3

 

[Wrfortiscue]

Follow your gut instinct and don't be socially pressured into complacency with this disease.

Unfortunately some of us are forced to do this just to have a semblance of a life. No treatments, no options, just carry on, or don't.

 

[kingsfan]

I'm sad to say I am just hearing of Brian's passing. Rest in peace, friend.

 

[blamingeverything]

@Frayact, Brian started to take Clonazepam, just 4 weeks, very low dosage. He stopped it cold turkey and shortly after he started to experience nasty withdrawal symptoms (hallucinations, as far as I remember). Then he reinstated Clonazepam for 6 weeks and tapered. I recall him saying that while tapering from 0.250 mg to 0.125 mg his tinnitus became much more severe. He switched over to Valium but he didn't improve. He never took any benzo before. He was prescribed Clonazepam because his mild tinnitus got worse after his second vaccine. Nobody told him how to taper the drug off.

He also took some ADs after his first suicide attempt but without positive results.

Brian P seemed to have quite a few demons haunting him that pre-existed tinnitus.

The Clonazepam adverse reaction could be causal but it must be considered within a network of his other issues.

 

[Jerad]

Brian P seemed to have quite a few demons haunting him that pre-existed tinnitus.

The Clonazepam adverse reaction could be causal but it must be considered within a network of his other issues.

There are different grades of "demons." Lightweights. Heavyweights. Intellectuals. Some strong; manipulative. Some heavy-handed and quite oppressive. They eat you for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then throw you up for second helpings. Some are just too powerful and devour your life to the core, leaving nothing untouched or unclaimed, as they nibble on all your facets until none are left. Brian met one of those "demons," unfortunately—debilitating tinnitus and hyperacusis.

For those afflicted by them, solutions can seem hopeless and out-of-reach. The problem is, there are just too many unknowns with these conditions. Their cause and mechanisms-at-play pose too many questions. They guard their secrets quite effectively, in almost conniving & heartless ways. When trying to treat them or find a cure, they often outsmart us at every corner, making us worse and worse.

I, personally, am in such a state that I'm almost afraid to try any treatment. One wrong move and a permanent worsening sets in.

I think Brian reached a similar stage and felt trapped. These "demons," at their worst, do just that to a sufferer.