Suicidal

I was habituated, then I got worse. Unimaginably worse. I've gotten 1/3 better since then due to avoiding triggers that seem to be indicative of what's happening to me, but I know where my suicidal point is.

My shit doctor said the mind is a powerful thing instead of helping me, until the mind breaks of course.

I've had the static tinnitus before. Don't tell me there isn't a difference. One is completely livable and annoying at best, or a maskable ringing/pinch behind your head/tone on one side. The other... complete chaos, filling the void around you with garbage humming wavering sound effects with volumes you can't hide from, or pain listening to anything outside your home. It's the real meaning of fear. Your life stops and you realize what's waiting for you.

 

If I had told you the amount of medical problems I acquired after tinnitus and hearing problems it would sound like a cruel joke. I'm f***in 21 with the health of a 80-year-old. But it doesn't really matter as I was debilitated when I 'only' had the hearing problems and tinnitus and should have ended my life then and there. There is so much suffering and dysfunction that anyone can accept. I see people around me cry over the pettiest things which infuriates me, I wish I had these problems, I wish I could function.

I want to be able to walk without severe pain before I end my life, however long that may take.

 

I appreciate you being so open about your struggle.

I fervently wish I had the answer to what has caused your burden of pain. I have read mounds of literature, research papers, and gone through numerous websites hoping to find an answer for my own tinnitus. My problems seem to pale into insignificance compared to what you are dealing with.

Unfortunately I'm not a doctor, so would not be qualified to diagnose, however I can suggest: have you investigated Fibromyalgia, quick check on Google says this condition can cause both tinnitus and neuropathic pain. If you haven't investigated this then perhaps you could seek professional medical advice and tests? Something else that has come to mind is Hashimoto's Disease, a condition of the thyroid. Have you checked for either of these, might be worth seeking medical advice if you haven't. I won't give you platitudes, you don't need them.

I do hope you find an answer, preferably in this life, however if not, then I hope you can "hang in there" long enough to know you have done all you can to help yourself.

 

Wish I could give you 30 thumbs ups, you're tougher than some guys I know from my military days.

 

Geeesh, the boredom from living with hyperacusis, tinnitus, floaters and the depression that come along. Every day's the same: Wake up, look at meaningless stupid stuff online. Maybe read a bit. Take a small walk in a quiet wooded area nearby. Back to the computer. Prepare some food. Look at the clock 100 times to see how much time has passed now, because all I am a bit exited about is the prospect of sleeping.

I have so much built up energy inside me that boils within me. I am actually starting to worry I might snap and hurt somebody one day. I am a tiger in a cage. Going more and more crazy each day.

 

Man I don't even think I will wait for my legs to get better. I'm so done with this hell already.

I'm looking for a rental apartment in a high building I can jump from. I will write a letter in the meantime.

How life can go from normal to this at my age, so young. Unreal.

I actually have nothing left in this life anymore... nothing

 

Anyone else also get tinnitus even in their dreams all the time? I have no escape.

 

Sometimes. Also my floaters follow me into my dreams once in a while. In my dreams I am also often worried about loud noise and my hyperacusis, as I am when I'm awake.

 

I was prescribed Gabapentin and Clonazepam after I injured my back Interestingly enough, I believe this was the initial cause of my tinnitus. The tinnitus was very mild, but started after I did a micro taper of Clonazepam. The doctor who prescribed those drugs changed my life forever.

 

I'm so profoundly sorry to hear that. I suppose the sentiment of my statement, however misguided in terms of the specifics, was that before anyone exits, they should exhaust all options. However I'm also personally aware that when one is already at the edge, it's hard to take that risk because if it gets any worse it would be past the point of any tolerance whatsoever, and perhaps even in passing we should try to afford ourselves as much comfort as possible, so maybe that last bet isn't worth making.

I'm not really sure either way, I'm suffering very greatly today. The more I suffer the less I speak here, because it seems so beyond me to presume to instruct anyone in anything when this level of pain is present.

At the end I guess all I can say is that I meant well.

 

Just a side note because I wish someone had told me about these drugs before I was prescribed them. To me Gabapentin was every bit as difficult to stop as Klonopin/Clonazepam.

 

Is it a benzodiazepine?

 

I did not mean anything directed at your post at all. Please forgive if it seemed that way. I was just thinking about my experience. I appreciate your posts and I know you have a good heart. Hoping you have a better night and quieter tomorrow.

 

Same.

 

No, Mirtazapine is not a benzodiazepine.

 

No, but for me it has proven to act worse then a benzo. Trying to taper off is worse then when I tapered benzos. I read that other people also have this experience + the heavy side effects. Benzos had no side effects on me.

 

Why did you try to taper off Mirtazapine? It has been a godsend to me. I don't mind taking it for the rest of my days.

 

I've been tapering just to see if it would affect my tinnitus one way or the other, as I first got on it about 9 months ago. So far no change really.

 

Is there anyone else whose tinnitus just keeps changing day to day, week to week, month to month, in terms of sounds? I think one of the reasons I'm having such a hard time is I literally get changing sounds all the time in both ears. So I don't really have a familiar noise, just an always changing soundscape. It really makes me feel mentally ill and it's one of the reasons I think I feel so debilitated.

It would be nice to know about others like that if you are here.

Same thing with distortions, sometimes they are there and sometimes they aren't so it's just tough to cope. I don't know if on a given day something will mask me or make me hear distortions/reactivity.

At 10 months I just feel so tired. The fact that it's all over the place means the only way I could habituate would be if I literally walled off all auditory input, because it's so busy my brain is always assessing ah is this tinnitus or environmental. This has been a challenging week for me.

 

Sorry buddy.

 

Is this real or not... especially solid tones, really bothers me. It turns out certain sounds are just causing reactive tinnitus with new tones that are indeed new tinnitus tones. It's awful and not fun to continuously get worse for no reason other than living.

 

Me. My tinnitus is constantly changing, adding new tones, fluctuating. Since onset 2.5 years ago it has slowly evolved into a higher pitch, more piercing tone accompanied with more tones. It’s so exhausting. I find it impossible to habituate to this.

 

I'm wondering what should I do with all the money I have saved. I thought about going on a trip to burn my money before I off myself but then COVID-19 happened and my physical health deteriorated beyond repair.

As much as I accepted the fact that my life is over I can't help but be jealous of everyone around me when I'm outside seeing people living life, it's so unfair.

I still insist to rehabilitate my legs before offing myself even though I'm suffering tremendously. I guess it has to do with the fact that I will be dead soon anyway so it doesn't matter. I'm doing nothing with my life anyway.

I will make sure to redirect people in my life to Tinnitus Talk so they can have a glimpse of what I have been through, but words aren't enough to describe it.

I have reached the point where I'm not afraid of offing myself anymore, that fear is what kept me alive for over a year, this and the false hope that things would somehow get better with time.

At least I tried.

 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to taper Mirtazapine since it seems to do no harm and it's the only drug that can be used long term to help me sleep.

 

My tinnitus changes day to day. I never know what I will wake up with but it resets in my sleep. No 2 days in a row are ever the same.

 

Mirtazapine can damage the optic nerve, so if you intend to use it long term it might be a good idea to get your eyes checked for Glaucoma.

 

To AliasM:

Very perceptive analysis of this state that never allows for an equilibrium; for seven and one half years when waking every morning I have had to determinedly neutralize my body-flooding panic that the day will be utterly ruined by a spike. Even when it is not, I know that the longer I go without a spike, the closer I am getting to the next one.

The writer Phillip Roth said that he regarded God as an insane father; tinnitus is especially sadistic in that it will lull me into the belief that it may eventually disappear, and then ambush me when I least expect it with day-long near incapacitation.

 

Same here. I'm not even capable to distinguish all these different sounds. Its so fucking loud.

You are not alone in this.

 

I don't think I'll be around long enough for it to cause any further damage, but thanks for the tip anyways.

 

Because I am worse than ever, and I think it's the Mirtazapine that's hurting me. I can also barely walk up the stairs anymore. I get winded so easily and that's probably also due to Mirtazapine. Plus I feel like a zombie on it, most of the time.

I got a load of eye floaters after being on Mirtazapine for some months. I have talked to others who have experinced the same with Mirtazapine. It's an awful drug... or at least for me it has been.