Suicidal

It seems to me that what matters is not how badly damaged one's cochlea is, but the speed at which it got damaged. In other words, if it has taken 50 years for someone to lose 50% of their hair cells, the brain has had time to adjust and there is no tinnitus. If one loses 1% of one's cochlear hair cells in one minute, the brain notices that all of a sudden it isn't getting any signal from those cells and so the self perpetuating cycle of tinnitus begins. Note that I don't have any medical background, so the above is just based on what I have been reading over the past 2 years and 7 months.

 

I am in a lot of pain now.

 

What has happened Daniel?

 

Best friend died... too broke to attend funeral.
I read my audiogram, it’s bad, I need hearing aids.
I will be ok, I'm a fighter. Just sad between my ears, my financial status and the loss of my mentor and greatest friend. His name is Konstantin Simon, a famous artist from Russia.
Thank you for your concern Star64.
I am not gonna do anything stupid.
I am having my son practice reading to me in bed now.
Big hug to you.
Thanks for looking out for me,
Love Daniel

 

I am so sorry Daniel, it is hard when we lose someone close to us, plus you have had a double whammy being told you now need hearing aids. On a positive note I am glad you are OK and won't be doing anything stupid. Getting your son to read to you in bed, I remember those days...Enjoy them Daniel, children seem to grow up fast. I took my grandaughter for a reading day at the local school today, she is 5, she starts school next year at the end of January, I can"t believe how quickly the years have flown by...
Big hug to you to Daniel, always here for you

 

Corticosteroids also helped my tinnitus, but like you stated I had to give those up also due to the side effects....I do not have much luck finding medications that help my tinnitus as they all have caused me additional problems, I am currently typing this post to the most loud intrusive tinnitus I have ever experienced, but you what I do not care at the moment, in 5 minutes I might, but I have decided I have to live with tinnitus med free and that means not letting it bully me into not having a life, if only my other symptoms settle this might happen on an even better level benzo withdrawal is hell, but I will not let it win either....

 

Are you ok?

 

Allan, I don't know why life can be so cruel and make us suffer. But I do know it's like a pressure cooker if you can't talk to anyone in real life about JUST how bad you feel. Often that's what leads to suicide, it's said that's one reason why the male suicide rate is higher. You said your wife shuts you down cos she can't handle it - I do sympathise as my partner can be like this, he is a really lovely person but I have had so many health problems in recent years sometimes he just cannot handle discussing it too much. I know I'm lucky as I have a supportive family who will listen to me. But does your wife know just how bad you feel, that you have actually sat there and almost gone through with suicide? Have you tried talking to your adult child about just how bad you feel? I know parents don't want to burden adult children, but I know I would want my parents to tell me of any problem that was troubling them.

They say that when a person committs suicide, often the family and friends feel the deepest anguish over the question, what could I have done, why didn't he talk to me about just how bad he felt?

I think the bickering from other folk on this thread would be better continued on a different thread than on this one, given what a serious subject is being discussed and how upset some people on this thread are.

 

Yeah, I am ok.

Got the blues. I’ll snap out of it ASAP.

Thanks Allan. We will both be ok, and god willing will share a pint a few years from now.

Take care friend.

 

Be very proud of yourself and know that what you have achieved is truly heroic! Keep standing tall and kick down the next door full of obstacles!

 

I've talked to her a lot, in fact that's all I talk about. My eldest is a mental health nurse and has been very supportive.

With the crisis team today we talked about suicide legacy...in that I would pass on that tendency. I already knew this and it fills me with horror that my son would more than likely follow. He's a sensitive soul. Out of my 3 kids he is the one I worry about most.

One of the team that visited said she gets it occasionally.

There has to be a pathway to learning to come to terms with tinnitus and the hyperacusis and moving forward with life, accepting what I have and doing the best I can under the circumstances.

 

How was the meeting with the local crisis team, Allan?
It is meagre consolation, but there are others here who suffer similarly, and in that sense you are not alone. Here people do understand.
I still hope we can get help from an unexpected source.

 

Life Is Problematic

I have spoken to many people that have intrusive tinnitus. Some that are new to its sudden onset, and others that have habituated for a while, but for some reason a resurgence of the tinnitus has lasted longer than a spike, and has left them feeling insecure and with the believe that things wont improve. I just want to say that I have also been in these situations.

At times like this, one might find themselves thinking: My life is over. Why can’t they find a cure? Why did this happen to me? Someone phoned me up who was having a particularly difficult time with his tinnitus and said: Every time that he’s out he can’t stop looking at people’s ears and wondering what it would be like to be them and not hear the sound of roaring tinnitus. He was feeling sorry for himself and rightly so, as we are all entitled to feel this way. I wanted him to try and look at his situation a little differently.

I explained that even the most optimistic and successful people have down times and they don’t necessarily have tinnitus, for life is problematic and few of us go through it without problems. We have no idea what another person is going through so be careful what you wish for. He continued listening. I know tinnitus isn’t easy especially when it’s severe but hold on to the thought that it will improve.

In an attempt to make him feel better I mentioned that life throws challenges at us and puts obstacles in our way. Perhaps if everything came easily to us we would never grow and develop and in some cases not reach our full potential without some struggle, or appreciate the good things that we have in life. He mentioned that he was a maths teacher, happily married with two children and had a business with his brother. He agreed that things hadn’t always gone smoothly but overcoming certain problems and issues in his life seemed to make everything worthwhile, until he got tinnitus. I understood where he was coming from, but at the same time trying to reassure him that things would improve although it may take a little time.

His doctor prescribed an antidepressant but he didn’t want to take them and asked me what I thought. It wasn’t my place to advise him on this issue but I told him of my experience with medications for my tinnitus and the help I had received at ENT.

When I first had tinnitus I had taken antidepressants for a while, which helped me not to become too down. In later years I took clonazapam 2x 0.5mg when my tinnitus was severely intrusive after a second noise trauma, the medication helped a lot. I was advised of it’s addictive nature and closely monitored by my GP.

This gentleman kept in touch and told me he decided to take the anti-depressants. Then he went quiet for a while. One evening I got a call from him, telling me his tinnitus had reduced and was improving all the time. He had returned to work and was in a much better place and very happy.

Don’t give up because your life can turnaround as it did for me.

Michael

 

Were you born in the USSR, Daniel?

 

So sorry to hear. I suppose that is spiking your tinnitus. Mine is high pitched today...hard to deal with.
Take care Daniel.

 

Count me in on that pint too, here's looking at better days for everyone

 

Allan, yes you will!

I want you to know that I have been exactly were you are now. I also have three kids that all have been crying in my arms. They had to watch how I day by day lost the spirit of my life. I know that they could see the panic in my eyes. Somehow I decided to stick around even if I just could not do much more than go back and forward to the bed and bathroom and have short conversations. Almost stooped eating. Sometimes I was out of control of anger. It was not much of a life but I took it day by day. Slowly realized that they out of love rather wanted me like that than not at all. Through them I understood that I had a great life to fight for. Step by step I managed to turn my life around and I now live a very good life. I still hate my tinnitus but it dose not have me under control anymore.

Allan do not think too much now. Do not be too rough with yourself. Just let time work for you. Try to follow some guided meditations on your phone. It will at least kill another 30mins of your life. Your limbic part of the bran will soon give up. Just decide like I did that leaving your family is not an option. I took that decision early on and it was quite I relief.

Do you have anything to take before sleep? It is essential! I used Imovane for several years and it worked very fine for me. Now i sleep like a baby again.

Hugs

 

Some of the best advice on this thread. -- Sometimes the stranglehold of our minds are our biggest obstacles. That's why I find it essential to spend time in nature every day, even if for only 10 minutes. Down by a creek, laying on the ground, with my feet up against a tree. And accept deeply the peace and tranquility they all have to offer. Helps get me out of my own way (my own mind). The gentle, soothing--yet powerful--healing power of nature should never be underestimated.

 

Thanks for the kind words fishbone, I am trying my best to get myself in the best shape possible for both the fight against tinnitus and benzo withdrawal because I believe if I can get my physical health to the best of it's ability my mind will follow....I now walk/jog 5kms everyday regardless of the weather, working my way up to a run I am 55 lol and have not done this for a while....I also bought a skipping rope, now all I need is the rocky theme song playing.... tinnitus is horrendous in itself to deal with let alone the benzo beast

Your support has meant a lot to me only another benzo survivor can truly understand the fight you have to go through. In the early days even though I was not posting due to benzo brain, I was reading all your positive posts so I am planning on being a warrior like yourself and kicking both conditions to the curb

 

I did not realise your son was a mental health nurse, it's a very rewarding career. I worked as a mental health nurse for 8 years and 3 years in a drug and alcohol nursing role both were challenging but the most fulfilling and rewarding. I Remember my other nursing friends who were working in cardiac or surgical roles questioning my choice of nursing I remember telling them you might not think it is as glamorous as your roles but helping people through tough times due to mental health reasons was just as important as physical problems...I am a big believer our minds and body work as one with the mind playing the biggest part in dealing with all conditions....plus I still remember saying to them anyone one of us in our lives at somepoint may need to place the catch me before I fall call....and hopefully some compassionate nurses will be around to help us.....I am one example that has needed this help.....so great to hear young people are still interested in this type of nursing as I know when I went through uni everyone wanted to surgical nurse or do midwifery also great careers but we need more people working in mental health it is a vitally important role...

 

If it's too loud and nothing reduces it, eventually you will commit suicide. That's what will happen to me. There is no way around it. All the kind words in the world don't matter. You don't have this. It sounds like an external noise. How did it get like this? No one can tell me.

Just a lot of gibberish.

 

It was a walk in the park compared to my tinnitus.

 

Maybe not. If I could sleep I could withstand the torture.

 

I am always here to support you in your journey. I been through hell, in both cases(Had zero support in both cases and beat the odds in both cases alone) , it is my duty to support those that are afflicted and those that need help!

 

I am late to this thread as I have been busy enjoying salmon fishing season in Pacific Canada. One thing I want to say to Alan and other struggling members is "Never trust what the brain is telling you about the future during the darkest time of the T journey which mostly is right at the beginning of T or when it hit a new level. Also our perception of T will change over time and can improve drastically so there will be less suffering even for the same T".

We have all been through those dark, dark days of our respective struggle, with similar dark thoughts of ending it all but many of us did make it safely on the other shore. Looking back, I often tell myself 'had I known that good life can still be back, I would have saved all those nightmarish struggles and sufferings. I was dealing with ultra high pitch T plus severe hyperacusis and with prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades plus PTSD due to family tragedy of losing my only son at 5. So when T & H first hit, it was nothing but nightmares and relentless anxiety & panic attacks. I had to survive on medications just to cope each day. I never thought I could survive T & H but today, even with T still loud and ultra high pitch. miraculously life is back to normal and I am travelling/cruising often to enjoy life as much as I can. If anyone would tell me during my darkest time that good life can be back, I would not believe it. But I am now. Am I the only one? Not really. The success stories are full of such success. I encourage you read the success stories to give yourself hope. Your perception of T will change for the better over time and you won't suffer as much even with the same T. I share my success story with below link and it contains many helpful strategies. So don't panic nor despair. Good day will be back. Give it some time and try out good strategies and sound advice from the good members here. Good luck. God bless.

my success story
https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/

 

I identify with all that you say, it's like me typing it out myself. You are 100% correct, when you say that we should not let our brain and emotions grip us while we are in major afflictions. In our darkest times, we really do not think that we will see that rainbow down the tunnel. We are so stuck in afflictions and in our heads and our emotions see no way out. I will share one of the MANY brutalities that I have faced in my life. When I was a teen, I had a bad case of vertigo and it would come and go, come and go. At one point I had it for 1 month straight. I was forced to go to school dizzy, and i had to hold on the hand rails of the stairs to not fall down. I was dizzy and scared. I felt like puking all day long. Kids pointed fingers, laughed. It took all my COURAGE and willpower to walk to class, sit in a classroom and in a chair dizzy and then actually read and study, I went the entire month and could not skip class.

Every day I asked my maker to please help me, this is pure hell. I never thought I would make it. I never thought my vertigo would go away. Folks vertigo is one of the MOST difficult things that ANYONE can go through, it DISRUPTS your life and existence. It's pure hell and I do not wish it on anyone. I always asked, why was I chosen for this life of HELL and afflictions. I have had it hard and still do, but even though all of it, my duty is to help people.

This is just one story, I can share MANY more. As @billie48 beautifully wrote it out, I know life is hard. I know we suffer, I know we think, there will never be a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Keep that faith, DON'T listen to what the MIND is telling you. The mind can be our greatest asset or our biggest downfall. Keep that faith and take small steps to help make your life a little better. It may not happen overnight, but It can happen.

Ty @billie48 for your post, honestly I could have written it myself because we share so much of the same values, bless you!

 

And then there's the old adage: "The mind is a useful servant, but a very bad master". One of its problems is it likes to follow ruts (can anybody relate?). This is a real vulnerability it seems we all face when confronting new and challenging situations like tinnitus. The mind wants to find solutions by sticking with what it's familiar with, but finding some kind solution to these confounding new challenges usually force us to go beyond old ways of thinking. Perhaps a proverbial silver lining?

 

Thanks man, I’ll be ok.
I know you will be too.
Take care friend

 

Thank you David S. I was taking 10mg melatonin and CBD oil before bed and it was working fine, but things have gone south in the past fortnight. My tinnitus has increased to the point at night there are times it's like a dentist drill focusing on one miniature fine point in my brain. I personally think the Lenire device is in part responsible.

Thank you for the advice... is there anything else you did?

 

It's actually my eldest daughter Star, she has been a great support. As you have x.