Suicidal

Discussion in 'Support' started by jeremy06, Oct 14, 2018.

    1. Lane

      Lane Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ototoxic Drug
      Hi @carolinet617 -- Just to mention, a guy on another forum I often visit wrote THIS POST in which he questioned whether just breathing in oxygen from an oxygen concentrator might be as effective as an mHBOT chamber. I've used my chamber regularly for several months now, and have gotten a pretty good sense of what to expect when I go in. It's been on my mind to try just the oxygen concentrator without the pressure, to see if this guy's hypothesis has any merit. It would certainly be a much cheaper alternative if it was--though I have my doubts.

      @John Mahan -- Wow, kind of surprised by your reaction(s). Your words "push back" seems to imply that I was "pushing" something to begin with. That's certainly not my intent, and would go against my the purpose of most of my writing on this forum; which is to provide information that I think "might" be relevant to people who I would expect would read it. In my post, I tagged @carolinet617 specifically. In her reply, I didn't get any sense whatsoever she felt I was pushing anything on her.

      Regarding your objections to the following that I wrote:

      I can't help but think that if people who are considering suicide would give this a try, it might not only give them a viable option to suicide, but could also forestall or eliminate the need to even consider benzodiazapines.

      I'll try to break it down a bit, and hopefully address your concerns: My breakdown would be:

      I can't help but think it [HBOT] "might" forestall or eliminate the need to even consider benzodiazapines.

      I wrote this from my own experience. In the first weeks following my tinnitus onset, I was trying desperately to cope with the devastating effects of the drug I was given, which was WAY more than the blaring tinnitus. I did talk to my doctor about getting a prescription for valium, which I had used in the past. He suggested Lorazapam, which had a shorter half life, and which he thought would be a better option.

      So he gave me a prescription for the lowest dose possible (1 mg), and I tried a 1/4 tablet. I decided to lay down, and see if I could get some desperately needed sleep. I did fall asleep, and about a half hour later was awakened by having a mini-seizure. I told my pharmacist what had happened, and he somewhat angrily said that's not possible. But I did an online search, and discovered that not only is it possible, but it does happen.

      In the following weeks, I managed to try both a soft chamber mHBOT unit, and a hard chamber one as well. Both of these not only gave me extraordinary relief from my abject misery caused by my tinnitus, but gave me tremendous relief from my badly battered psyche as well. A truly life-altering development and relevation. Why would I not want to share this on a forum (especially a thread on suicide) where people are going through similarly devastating times as I was?

      Realizing I would probably want and/or need this therapy for the rest of my life, I decided to look into purchasing my own home unit. I did finally purchase one several months later. But during those intervening months, I did get some valium, and occasionally took about .25 mg (about 1/10 the strength of Clonazepam), which took the edge off of my tinnitus when things could become too intense.

      I'm truly puzzled by your above comments. You seem to think I hold a view different from yours, Carolines, Linearb's, and Michael's when it comes to the judicious use of benzdiazapines. My views are in fact, almost identical, and I "liked" or "agreed" with them literally everytime they succinctly shared how they carefully and thoughtfully use their benzodiazapine meds. Benzos do have their place, and I would never suggest otherwise.

      Wow, quite a quip. All I try to do is share what works for me. I (honestly) try to do it in a way that emphasizes how well it worked for me and/or others. I don't believe I ever "push" anything on anybody, and I certainly don't try to "play medical doctor". I try to treat people as respectfully as I can, so that they don't think I'm pushing anything on them. My own philosophy is that once a person starts feeling something is being pushed on them, they usually begin to tighten up and not want to hear much more. I have no interest in doing that.

      What I try to do would be along the lines of saying, "You may want to consider this". Literally everything I mention is meant to be a "starting point" for somebody who might have an interest in following up on what I've shared. Not many people do that, and I recently got to the point where I was about ready to quit frequenting the forum. It wasn't until I got a PM from @Star64 saying how much she appreciated my meaningful posts that I decided to stick around. I know my perpsectives will not win a lot of popularity contests, but for somebody who prefers to look outside of conventional approaches to health care, I feel I can offer a number of starting points for them.

      So John, how does a person find a balance between sharing what works for them, without coming across as trying to push something? Given your reaction, it makes me think I've yet to find it. And it again makes me wonder whether I should even continue to post here. -- It's seeming it may be about time to at least exit this thread, as those who are currently having the most difficulty don't seem particularly interested in what I'm writing. Even though I'm coming from a place of having a long history of suicidal ideation myself. -- I wrote about it fairly extensivly in THIS POST, in case anybody's interested.
       
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    2. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      I have been awake all night. I went to bed at 10. Woke up at 1130pm. I don't know if the noise in my head woke me up or not but I lay there all night unable to go back sleep.

      My life is spiralling out of control. I've just had my 15 year old son cry in my arms when he was leaving for school. He knows I'm am suffering and suicidal.

      I told him I won't let this beat me. But I felt like I was lying. I'm torn between continuing to live like this... noise in my head, now keeping me awake, destroying every aspect if my being. I want it to stop but I know that I cant make it stop and if I continue to live I will suffer it. My family will be decimated.

      What other choices are there? Way I see it, if I live, I live in perpetual suffering. If I die, I leave others to suffer for the rest of their lives too.

      There must be other options. Another way.

      Will I EVER get better? Will I ever find peace within myself again? My local crisis team are coming to see me this morning.
       
      • Hug Hug x 4
    3. John Mahan

      John Mahan Member

      Location:
      US
      Tinnitus Since:
      2016
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      unknown
      You need medical help Allan. Call your doctor with a cry for help. See a psychiatrist.

      Many of us have been to your place of desperation. Please make that call today.

      Most of us don't have strength of will to endure loud tinnitus when it first shows up. We get better. Through improved mental health, many times tinnitus softens. It moves more to the background as we get on with our lives.

      Right now you are sick and hyper focused on it. You must seek help and get on a proper medication to change your brain chemistry so you can cope. You must sleep to replenish your body and mind and this is helped tremendously by medication.

      We are all pulling for you and know your pain.
       
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    4. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      It seems to me that what matters is not how badly damaged one's cochlea is, but the speed at which it got damaged. In other words, if it has taken 50 years for someone to lose 50% of their hair cells, the brain has had time to adjust and there is no tinnitus. If one loses 1% of one's cochlear hair cells in one minute, the brain notices that all of a sudden it isn't getting any signal from those cells and so the self perpetuating cycle of tinnitus begins. Note that I don't have any medical background, so the above is just based on what I have been reading over the past 2 years and 7 months.
       
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    5. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Benefactor

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      I am in a lot of pain now.
       
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    6. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      What has happened Daniel?
       
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    7. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Benefactor

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Best friend died... too broke to attend funeral.
      I read my audiogram, it’s bad, I need hearing aids.
      I will be ok, I'm a fighter. Just sad between my ears, my financial status and the loss of my mentor and greatest friend. His name is Konstantin Simon, a famous artist from Russia.
      Thank you for your concern Star64.
      I am not gonna do anything stupid.
      I am having my son practice reading to me in bed now.
      Big hug to you.
      Thanks for looking out for me,
      Love Daniel
       
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    8. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      I am so sorry Daniel, it is hard when we lose someone close to us, plus you have had a double whammy being told you now need hearing aids. On a positive note I am glad you are OK and won't be doing anything stupid. Getting your son to read to you in bed, I remember those days...Enjoy them Daniel, children seem to grow up fast. I took my grandaughter for a reading day at the local school today, she is 5, she starts school next year at the end of January, I can"t believe how quickly the years have flown by...
      Big hug to you to Daniel, always here for you:huganimation:
       
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    9. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      Corticosteroids also helped my tinnitus, but like you stated I had to give those up also due to the side effects....I do not have much luck finding medications that help my tinnitus as they all have caused me additional problems, I am currently typing this post to the most loud intrusive tinnitus I have ever experienced, but you what I do not care at the moment, in 5 minutes I might, but I have decided I have to live with tinnitus med free and that means not letting it bully me into not having a life, if only my other symptoms settle this might happen on an even better level benzo withdrawal is hell, but I will not let it win either....
       
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    10. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      Are you ok?
       
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    11. Agrajag364

      Agrajag364 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      09/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown
      Allan, I don't know why life can be so cruel and make us suffer. But I do know it's like a pressure cooker if you can't talk to anyone in real life about JUST how bad you feel. Often that's what leads to suicide, it's said that's one reason why the male suicide rate is higher. You said your wife shuts you down cos she can't handle it - I do sympathise as my partner can be like this, he is a really lovely person but I have had so many health problems in recent years sometimes he just cannot handle discussing it too much. I know I'm lucky as I have a supportive family who will listen to me. But does your wife know just how bad you feel, that you have actually sat there and almost gone through with suicide? Have you tried talking to your adult child about just how bad you feel? I know parents don't want to burden adult children, but I know I would want my parents to tell me of any problem that was troubling them.

      They say that when a person committs suicide, often the family and friends feel the deepest anguish over the question, what could I have done, why didn't he talk to me about just how bad he felt?

      I think the bickering from other folk on this thread would be better continued on a different thread than on this one, given what a serious subject is being discussed and how upset some people on this thread are.
       
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    12. Daniel Lion
      Ape-like

      Daniel Lion Member Benefactor

      Location:
      SE Asia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise trauma, hearing loss
      Yeah, I am ok.

      Got the blues. I’ll snap out of it ASAP.

      Thanks Allan. We will both be ok, and god willing will share a pint a few years from now.

      Take care friend.
       
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    13. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      Be very proud of yourself and know that what you have achieved is truly heroic! Keep standing tall and kick down the next door full of obstacles!
       
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    14. Allan1967

      Allan1967 Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      1997
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ear infection
      I've talked to her a lot, in fact that's all I talk about. My eldest is a mental health nurse and has been very supportive.

      With the crisis team today we talked about suicide legacy...in that I would pass on that tendency. I already knew this and it fills me with horror that my son would more than likely follow. He's a sensitive soul. Out of my 3 kids he is the one I worry about most.

      One of the team that visited said she gets it occasionally.

      There has to be a pathway to learning to come to terms with tinnitus and the hyperacusis and moving forward with life, accepting what I have and doing the best I can under the circumstances.
       
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    15. Chinmoku

      Chinmoku Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Unknown, possibly medication
      How was the meeting with the local crisis team, Allan?
      It is meagre consolation, but there are others here who suffer similarly, and in that sense you are not alone. Here people do understand.
      I still hope we can get help from an unexpected source.
       
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    16. Michael Leigh

      Michael Leigh Member Benefactor Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Brighton, UK
      Tinnitus Since:
      April /1996
      Life Is Problematic

      I have spoken to many people that have intrusive tinnitus. Some that are new to its sudden onset, and others that have habituated for a while, but for some reason a resurgence of the tinnitus has lasted longer than a spike, and has left them feeling insecure and with the believe that things wont improve. I just want to say that I have also been in these situations.

      At times like this, one might find themselves thinking: My life is over. Why can’t they find a cure? Why did this happen to me? Someone phoned me up who was having a particularly difficult time with his tinnitus and said: Every time that he’s out he can’t stop looking at people’s ears and wondering what it would be like to be them and not hear the sound of roaring tinnitus. He was feeling sorry for himself and rightly so, as we are all entitled to feel this way. I wanted him to try and look at his situation a little differently.

      I explained that even the most optimistic and successful people have down times and they don’t necessarily have tinnitus, for life is problematic and few of us go through it without problems. We have no idea what another person is going through so be careful what you wish for. He continued listening. I know tinnitus isn’t easy especially when it’s severe but hold on to the thought that it will improve.

      In an attempt to make him feel better I mentioned that life throws challenges at us and puts obstacles in our way. Perhaps if everything came easily to us we would never grow and develop and in some cases not reach our full potential without some struggle, or appreciate the good things that we have in life. He mentioned that he was a maths teacher, happily married with two children and had a business with his brother. He agreed that things hadn’t always gone smoothly but overcoming certain problems and issues in his life seemed to make everything worthwhile, until he got tinnitus. I understood where he was coming from, but at the same time trying to reassure him that things would improve although it may take a little time.

      His doctor prescribed an antidepressant but he didn’t want to take them and asked me what I thought. It wasn’t my place to advise him on this issue but I told him of my experience with medications for my tinnitus and the help I had received at ENT.

      When I first had tinnitus I had taken antidepressants for a while, which helped me not to become too down. In later years I took clonazapam 2x 0.5mg when my tinnitus was severely intrusive after a second noise trauma, the medication helped a lot. I was advised of it’s addictive nature and closely monitored by my GP.

      This gentleman kept in touch and told me he decided to take the anti-depressants. Then he went quiet for a while. One evening I got a call from him, telling me his tinnitus had reduced and was improving all the time. He had returned to work and was in a much better place and very happy.

      Don’t give up because your life can turnaround as it did for me.

      Michael
       
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    17. Bill Bauer
      No Mood

      Bill Bauer Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Acoustic Trauma
      Were you born in the USSR, Daniel?
       
    18. just1morething
      Benevolent

      just1morething Member Benefactor

      Location:
      U.S.
      Tinnitus Since:
      2008
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      barotrauma, noise exposure, TMJ, neck?
      So sorry to hear. I suppose that is spiking your tinnitus. Mine is high pitched today...hard to deal with.
      Take care Daniel.
       
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    19. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      Count me in on that pint too, here's looking at better days for everyone :huganimation:
       
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    20. David S

      David S Member Benefactor

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2013
      Allan, yes you will!

      I want you to know that I have been exactly were you are now. I also have three kids that all have been crying in my arms. They had to watch how I day by day lost the spirit of my life. I know that they could see the panic in my eyes. Somehow I decided to stick around even if I just could not do much more than go back and forward to the bed and bathroom and have short conversations. Almost stooped eating. Sometimes I was out of control of anger. It was not much of a life but I took it day by day. Slowly realized that they out of love rather wanted me like that than not at all. Through them I understood that I had a great life to fight for. Step by step I managed to turn my life around and I now live a very good life. I still hate my tinnitus but it dose not have me under control anymore.

      Allan do not think too much now. Do not be too rough with yourself. Just let time work for you. Try to follow some guided meditations on your phone. It will at least kill another 30mins of your life. Your limbic part of the bran will soon give up. Just decide like I did that leaving your family is not an option. I took that decision early on and it was quite I relief.

      Do you have anything to take before sleep? It is essential! I used Imovane for several years and it worked very fine for me. Now i sleep like a baby again.

      Hugs
       
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    21. Lane

      Lane Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ototoxic Drug
      Some of the best advice on this thread. -- Sometimes the stranglehold of our minds are our biggest obstacles. That's why I find it essential to spend time in nature every day, even if for only 10 minutes. Down by a creek, laying on the ground, with my feet up against a tree. And accept deeply the peace and tranquility they all have to offer. Helps get me out of my own way (my own mind). The gentle, soothing--yet powerful--healing power of nature should never be underestimated.
       
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    22. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      Thanks for the kind words fishbone, I am trying my best to get myself in the best shape possible for both the fight against tinnitus and benzo withdrawal because I believe if I can get my physical health to the best of it's ability my mind will follow....I now walk/jog 5kms everyday regardless of the weather, working my way up to a run :) I am 55 lol and have not done this for a while....I also bought a skipping rope, now all I need is the rocky theme song playing.... tinnitus is horrendous in itself to deal with let alone the benzo beast

      Your support has meant a lot to me only another benzo survivor can truly understand the fight you have to go through. In the early days even though I was not posting due to benzo brain, I was reading all your positive posts so I am planning on being a warrior like yourself and kicking both conditions to the curb;)
       
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    23. Star64
      Kick ass

      Star64 Member

      Location:
      Melbourne Australia
      Tinnitus Since:
      2001
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Noise induced
      I did not realise your son was a mental health nurse, it's a very rewarding career. I worked as a mental health nurse for 8 years and 3 years in a drug and alcohol nursing role both were challenging but the most fulfilling and rewarding. I Remember my other nursing friends who were working in cardiac or surgical roles questioning my choice of nursing I remember telling them you might not think it is as glamorous as your roles but helping people through tough times due to mental health reasons was just as important as physical problems...I am a big believer our minds and body work as one with the mind playing the biggest part in dealing with all conditions....plus I still remember saying to them anyone one of us in our lives at somepoint may need to place the catch me before I fall call....and hopefully some compassionate nurses will be around to help us.....I am one example that has needed this help.....so great to hear young people are still interested in this type of nursing as I know when I went through uni everyone wanted to surgical nurse or do midwifery also great careers but we need more people working in mental health it is a vitally important role...
       
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    24. PeteJ
      Depressed

      PeteJ Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      02/2019
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      acoustic trauma?
      If it's too loud and nothing reduces it, eventually you will commit suicide. That's what will happen to me. There is no way around it. All the kind words in the world don't matter. You don't have this. It sounds like an external noise. How did it get like this? No one can tell me.

      Just a lot of gibberish.
       
    25. jay777

      jay777 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      benzo/ headphones
      It was a walk in the park compared to my tinnitus.
       
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    26. jay777

      jay777 Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      10/2017
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      benzo/ headphones
      Maybe not. If I could sleep I could withstand the torture.
       
    27. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      I am always here to support you in your journey. I been through hell, in both cases(Had zero support in both cases and beat the odds in both cases alone) , it is my duty to support those that are afflicted and those that need help!
       
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    28. billie48
      Sunshine

      billie48 Member Benefactor Ambassador Hall of Fame

      Location:
      Canada
      Tinnitus Since:
      03/2009
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      not sure
      I am late to this thread as I have been busy enjoying salmon fishing season in Pacific Canada. One thing I want to say to Alan and other struggling members is "Never trust what the brain is telling you about the future during the darkest time of the T journey which mostly is right at the beginning of T or when it hit a new level. Also our perception of T will change over time and can improve drastically so there will be less suffering even for the same T".

      We have all been through those dark, dark days of our respective struggle, with similar dark thoughts of ending it all but many of us did make it safely on the other shore. Looking back, I often tell myself 'had I known that good life can still be back, I would have saved all those nightmarish struggles and sufferings. I was dealing with ultra high pitch T plus severe hyperacusis and with prior condition of anxiety and panic disorder for decades plus PTSD due to family tragedy of losing my only son at 5. So when T & H first hit, it was nothing but nightmares and relentless anxiety & panic attacks. I had to survive on medications just to cope each day. I never thought I could survive T & H but today, even with T still loud and ultra high pitch. miraculously life is back to normal and I am travelling/cruising often to enjoy life as much as I can. If anyone would tell me during my darkest time that good life can be back, I would not believe it. But I am now. Am I the only one? Not really. The success stories are full of such success. I encourage you read the success stories to give yourself hope. Your perception of T will change for the better over time and you won't suffer as much even with the same T. I share my success story with below link and it contains many helpful strategies. So don't panic nor despair. Good day will be back. Give it some time and try out good strategies and sound advice from the good members here. Good luck. God bless.

      my success story
      https://www.tinnitustalk.com/thread...w-i-recovered-from-tinnitus-hyperacusis.3148/
       
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    29. fishbone
      Shitfaced

      fishbone Member Hall of Fame

      Tinnitus Since:
      1988
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      loud noise and very bad sickness
      I identify with all that you say, it's like me typing it out myself. You are 100% correct, when you say that we should not let our brain and emotions grip us while we are in major afflictions. In our darkest times, we really do not think that we will see that rainbow down the tunnel. We are so stuck in afflictions and in our heads and our emotions see no way out. I will share one of the MANY brutalities that I have faced in my life. When I was a teen, I had a bad case of vertigo and it would come and go, come and go. At one point I had it for 1 month straight. I was forced to go to school dizzy, and i had to hold on the hand rails of the stairs to not fall down. I was dizzy and scared. I felt like puking all day long. Kids pointed fingers, laughed. It took all my COURAGE and willpower to walk to class, sit in a classroom and in a chair dizzy and then actually read and study, I went the entire month and could not skip class.

      Every day I asked my maker to please help me, this is pure hell. I never thought I would make it. I never thought my vertigo would go away. Folks vertigo is one of the MOST difficult things that ANYONE can go through, it DISRUPTS your life and existence. It's pure hell and I do not wish it on anyone. I always asked, why was I chosen for this life of HELL and afflictions. I have had it hard and still do, but even though all of it, my duty is to help people.

      This is just one story, I can share MANY more. As @billie48 beautifully wrote it out, I know life is hard. I know we suffer, I know we think, there will never be a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. Keep that faith, DON'T listen to what the MIND is telling you. The mind can be our greatest asset or our biggest downfall. Keep that faith and take small steps to help make your life a little better. It may not happen overnight, but It can happen.

      Ty @billie48 for your post, honestly I could have written it myself because we share so much of the same values, bless you!
       
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    30. Lane

      Lane Member

      Tinnitus Since:
      February, 2018
      Cause of Tinnitus:
      Ototoxic Drug
      And then there's the old adage: "The mind is a useful servant, but a very bad master". One of its problems is it likes to follow ruts (can anybody relate?). This is a real vulnerability it seems we all face when confronting new and challenging situations like tinnitus. The mind wants to find solutions by sticking with what it's familiar with, but finding some kind solution to these confounding new challenges usually force us to go beyond old ways of thinking. Perhaps a proverbial silver lining?
       
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