Suicidal

Yeah man. I'm on 2 mg of Klonopin per day, at night. I first need to wean off the 1 mg of Alprazolam, and then, go ahead and do so with the Klonopin. But the thing is, my tinnitus has ALREADY reached bad levels of loudness... But still, I must do it.

Can you tell me your story of Klonopin? So, after continued use, you started experiencing worse and worse tinnitus?

 

You should be fine, just take it very slow.

What happened to me is probably one in a billion but these drugs have the ability to f*** your life up beyond recognition.

I was on Klonopin for 4 years from 2016 to 2020. 1 year later a car alarm went off near me, a super loud one, and it caused a retrospectively tiny spike in my previously super mild tinnitus.

I went to my doctor and asked for Klonopin, the day after the first pill I had taken in over a year, I heard this weird electrical noise and it just kept getting worse and worse. All doctors told me it was my anxiety and that the spike would settle down so I kept taking the Klonopin. This went on for 6 months, me still thinking it was the car alarm, and I got worse and worse with all these crazy horrible electrical noises.

By the 6-month mark, the tinnitus had progressed into this insane dentist drill type sound in my head. I finally found out it was the Klonopin and that I was paradoxical on the drug the entire time, so I withdrew for 6 months and at the very end I ended up with ridiculously severe hyperacusis. I can't watch TV, can't go outside, all sounds cause me significant pain. This has been happening since January and I have seen some improvements but it is still very very bad.

The only good news I have about this is that the electrical stuff seems to be getting better, but I am stuck with like four or five tones that fortunately are not super loud but very reactive.

I can't give you any medical advice but the go-to is switching everything to Valium, then tapering slowly.

If you need them, you need them, but you need to be prepared for the worst if you are one of the unlucky ones.

 

We are all different. Klonopin helps me a lot and touch wood, I haven't had a problem with it in 13 years. I take it about twice a month for 1 or 2 days and then stop. It reduces my severe tinnitus to manageable levels over 12 hours.

 

I'm glad it works for you Michael.

 

I have very often wondered if the Ativan has held me back from improving my reactivity, or just ultimately making my sounds more electric in nature. The Ativan has never made me worse, in the beginning it made a huge difference/gave relief with tinnitus and mood, now it’s nothing much at all for either and honestly I think my overall mood the following day is suffering from the drop off rebound because I take it in the evenings. It needs to come out of my system regardless, but I am also struggling mentally a lot lately so got to have a plan in place whether I can get mood benefits from microdosing or trying a “safer” SSRI.

 

This is key.

Give your experience, but too often this then leads to people bashing a medication and scaring people away.

 

Yes, I want to be clear, benzos are pretty much the only thing that seems to alleviate tinnitus for people and until an actual treatment or cure is available, people will continue using these.

My life is pretty much completely destroyed though. I went through so much getting off of this medication and the cruel irony is that the main complaint is 90% better and I think will even leave in time, but just a conversation with a buddy who came over a few days ago spiked my tonal tinnitus and it hasn't come down yet. So I am taking the sitting in my bedroom approach to let the hyperacusis heal.

 

Yes, I've followed your difficulties, buddy. You're just about off the Clonazepam now? Yes, Clonazepam and Alprazolam seem the main stay of treatment. A shame, but at least a couple of choices nonetheless.

I have noticed Cyclobenzaprine and Flupentixol do benefit some people a lot?

 

Yes, I have been off since February 6th and have seen some improvements. I do not want to take any other drugs and if I survive this somehow, I will never take another drug in my entire life.

Not directed towards you, but I'm wondering if anyone has opinions on when suicide becomes merciful and not cowardly. A year past onset? 2 years? 10 years?

I have been going through this for over a year, I have no recollection of my past life life. The love of my life left me and all of my friends moved out of Colorado right before this happened so I am literally homebound and alone. None of my family will come to visit me.

Everything I need to end this complete torture is sitting in my closet. I told myself I will give myself until May 31st. Enough is enough.

 

Although many people think suicide is a cowardly act, I think it takes enormous courage to end your own life.

 

Don't give up. I've had tinnitus for 30 years. I know hearing aids don't work for everybody, but they have been a miracle for me.

 

Yeah I'm scared shitless of suicide and I don't want to die. If it was just the noise, maybe that would be okay. But I can't fucking go anywhere, watch TV, do anything.

I need to give it some time. I just got off of the poison.

 

Let’s not glorify it.

 

I absolutely hate that I'm back here. I think I feel best posting my dark thoughts here because people know what they're getting into when they click the thread. This time is especially painful as I had a massive setback after I noticed my hyperacusis was starting to slightly improve and I was feeling more habituated to my tinnitus. Although my tinnitus had been worsening, I was mentally getting stronger and stronger. I had seen significant improvement in my hyperacusis and mental space most notably over the preceding month (late February-March) or so. How painful it is to have the carrot of hope dangled in front of me and then be tossed off a cliff to lower depths than before. I really got a taste of hope of beating this, and I was in a place where I could fight a little harder. Now it's back to the gutter, this is a new level of insanity.

Of course, when things were going right, I "messed up". The moments that F me up are always so painfully innocuous; I dropped a fork on a table while I was facing to my right, so my left ear got hit with the blow. I've had plenty of errant sound exposures, but for some reason this one stuck much harder. I felt a mild sharp pain on the sound onset that lingered and built throughout the next week. I've experienced symptoms that I hadn't been through since the beginning weeks/months of these prior 7 months. This includes nausea and loss of appetite. The tinnitus is so overwhelming it's been hard(er than usual) to get out of bed, let alone think clearly. I had to call in for a leave of absence this past Thursday as things were getting too bad. And I don't throw in the towel easily, I've been working through increasing tinnitus for years now, and the last 7 months it's been amazing I worked at all like I did. My remote job was previously helping me keep sane and motivated. I now have zero ability to do a full-time job like this.

My left ear is insanely painful, my tinnitus in both ears is screeching/rumbling/whizzing/whirring; an alien torture symphony. My left ear feels like my right ear did at the beginning of this all 7 months ago, but worse. My hyperacusis is regressing again instead of continuing to trend better. If the physical pain didn't make me feel like ending it, this reversion of the past SEVEN months would. Why does something like a fork dropping cause my ear to feel like it was shot? And the damage is permanent. It keeps stacking, never backing down.

 

Hang tight buddy,

As I can gather from your writing, you were on benzos for 4 years and are coming up on two months clean time. I am sure your brain has a lot of readjusting to do, i.e. 2 months vs. 4 years. If you are able to exercise, you should do this regularly. Wake up very early and go to sleep early, eat well.

Please give yourself time to adjust and don't underestimate neuroplasticity. We are rooting for you and sending you hugs and encouragement. All of us who post on this thread understand your pain and anguish.

One day at a time and build on any small victory.

Love and peace,
Daniel

 

Not what I was doing.

 

Just read your post @Theezy, so sorry my friend. Can you take leave from work? Are you taking any meds? Perhaps the Abraham Shulman cocktail may help.

Take care and let us know how you are going.

DL

Bear hug, silent of course!

 

Please, does anyone know when Dr. Shore's device will be available? I have a noose around my neck, I can't live anymore. I hate this world where papers and permits are more important than human life.

 

I have visited this thread many times but never felt the need to post until now. I'm just so very, very tired. I'm tired of dealing with this stupid noise and ear sensations, I'm tired of being cautious (wary/afraid) of every noise, wondering if this is going to be it for me. I've been trying so very hard to cope. I don't know why habituation is so far out of my reach as I've been at this over a year. My first ever ear infection gave me a really loud new tone. I haven't been sleeping well. And it's dawned on me that my son, my sole reason for living, is young enough that he won't remember me or have any trauma if I go now. I only have a limited window for that. So I feel like it's now or never to make that decision.

Tinnitus has destroyed my life, my marriage. It sucks the joy out of my every moment. It has not improved for me, only gotten worse. I'm not the same person and I mourn the person I was. I was at the happiest time of my life when tinnitus came to ruin it forever. I'm young enough that I have years of worsening to look forward to. There is nothing but pain and suffering in my future.

I'm just so lost and alone. I've been going to therapy for months which hasn't been helpful at all. My family is tired of hearing about it. I'm so done. I feel guilty because I know there are others that suffer more than me, but yet I feel this way. I am afraid to die but I'm also afraid to live.

 

Hang in there, we WILL get there! Praying that habituation or a cure come soon. Please don't give up.

 

I am sorry to know tinnitus has done this to you @Ngo13 and I understand how you feel. Although I am not living your life, reading your post brings back memories when I was in total despair with this condition and felt at a complete loss what to do. This was back in 2010. My ENT consultant saw the desperate state I was in and prescribed me Clonazepam, which helped me immensely. Some people are against taking medications to help cope with tinnitus and I do understand this.

However, when tinnitus reaches the severe levels of what you are enduring, it can devastating to a person's mental and emotional well-being and therefore, I believe they should pursue every option that is available to them, to help get their life back on track. My doctor advised me to only take Clonazepam when the tinnitus was very severe and try not to take it too often. It worked for me and fortunately I haven't had a problem with it in 13 years.

If you haven't tried any medication to help you cope with the tinnitus, please consider it and talk things over with your doctor.

Wishing you all the best,
Michael

 

Hello everybody.

I know this is extremely tough for some people and it can be very disheartening for others who are just starting with either this condition alone or with hearing loss + tinnitus (mine is the latter, sadly).

Please, hang in there for a bit longer. I have hope there will be a solution to all of our hearing problems in the future. I know it in my heart that somebody will find something, even accidentally, that will heal all of us and it would be in the least expected place.

Please think about it, the cure could come tomorrow, or in a week, or in a few months. We will never know if we don't try going for just a bit longer. I am going to do that not just for the cure, but for my family that needs me. The last thing I want is for them to carry my burden for the rest of their life. I am going to suffer for them and I don't mind, because I love them more than anything.

 

I know exactly what you are going through. My family broke up too, I lost my job. I am in tears every day. Over 5 years of tinnitus, I have accumulated a deficit of thousands of hours of sleep. No one understands that the cursed sound is like razor blades in the ears and in the brain. I tried everything. 5 antidepressants, benzodiazepines, rTMS, ketamine, acupuncture...

Every day I wonder if my children will forgive me when I'm gone forever. Because my suffering is greater than my infinite love for them. If you feel that no one understands you, maybe you will be at least a little pleased that I understand you completely. I believe everything you are going through.

The only thing I still believe in is the device of Dr. Shore. Although I hate how slowly everything progresses. I don't think she understands what it is about. Her goal is research, to know how things work in the brain, not to help people. But that's just my opinion.

And I want to tell you something else. Know that you are an extremely strong person. Extraordinary. Because you endured what others would have given up with long ago. You should say it out loud, that you are an extremely strong person. God bless you.

 

Brother, I completely understand you. My daughter is also at an age that she'll not remember a thing if I take the suicide route and my marriage is also being destroyed because my wife is absolutely exhausted of hearing me talk about tinnitus, how bad it is, how little rest I get, how I was happy before and now my life is ruined.

I'm also tapering off the benzos right now to try to give my brain a chance at REAL neuroplasticity (not the bullshit on YouTube channels where you talk positive to yourself and that's it) and try to upregulate my GABA receptors since my tinnitus was not caused by hearing loss but by extreme cannabis withdrawal (believe it or not, but of course I'd want you to believe it).

The comments of people here actually gave me some hope and strength but as you and I know, when a marriage falls apart, it feels like the whole world is coming down on you and that if nobody is going to love us, we might as well cap ourselves.

Hang on, brother. Aside from that. I understand you. I completely understand you.

 

By this time next year, it's surely going to be out.

Or a few years, or a few more decades or in the next century (where we will all be gone). The thing is just that we really don't know when this cure will ever be made or if it will be made. I hope AI speeds up the process.

 

@roy1159, how are you doing?

 

Last night I stood up from the dinner table and a fork slid off my plate towards the hardwood floor.

Reflex kicked in and I stuck my bare foot out to cushion the drop.

Fork fell horizontally and hit the top of my foot on its flat side, rolling off with a mercifully subdued clang.

Moral of the story:

Both my body and brain would rather my foot impaled by a fork, than have to tolerate one more tinnitus spike.

 

So I've been binge eating for a week now (and possibly a couple of weeks before), and I'm feeling as suicidal as ever. Not being able to rest when I want to is surely going to kill me.

I asked my wife if she'll be fine if I kill myself because of all the suffering I'm going through and she said yes. So I suppose I have the green light.

I still love my daughter and her so much though... But I feel like sometimes this infinite love can't match the infinite suffering that severe tinnitus is.

It's out of my mind how a disease can be so life-wrecking, yet no doctor whatsoever seems to give a shit about it.

It's truly a one-way ticket to Hell.

 

It truly hurts me to read things like this. You have my full sympathy and I agree with you wholeheartedly that doctors don’t care about us.

Dr. Shore’s device is, at most, a year away. Could you give yourself such time, however hard that seems? It would be such a waste to end your life when there is a possible solution on the horizon.

 

Just like Lenire was going to be the saviour. Isn't there a forest where people can go to die like in the Matthew McConaughey movie? Cheaper than VAD...